Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris

I'm training the dog in Spanish.

Julius

Why?

Chris

It's part of the attack-dog training. Like you can only talk to a German Shepherd in German or an Irish Wolfhound in Irish. [referring to Blackie] This is a Puerto Rican mutt.

Julius

Well, I don't care what he speaks as long as he stays out of my chair and you turn him into a killer.

Chris

Bueno. (Good.)

Julius

¿Qué? (What?)

Chris

Nada. (Nothing.)

Greg

Here's a couple books on dog training.

Chris

You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?

Greg

I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.

Narrator

That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

Chris

[about the dog] Can we name him?

Julius

He already has a name: Blackie.

Drew

But he's brown.

Julius

You black and you brown.

Chris

What time is it?

Mr. Omar

8:45.

Narrator

8:45 was a quarter past late as hell.

Mr. Omar

There's some videos over there you're welcome to watch. I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki a.k.a. Death, Japanese Style.

Chris

Cool, thanks.

Narrator

Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Greg

You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.

Narrator

I could.

Chris

Guess I am in there.

Greg

You're so in there, we'd have to send a search party to find you.

Greg

You can still get involved in an activity.

Chris

Like what?

Greg

I don't know. Something that plays into your strong suits.

Narrator

Problem is, all I had were weak suits.

Chris

I can't eat this. My peas are touching my mashed potatoes.

Rochelle

Are they separated now?

Chris

Mm-hmm.

Narrator

After my mother set me straight, I had to set the story straight.

You made it up?

Chris

Well, I'm sorry. I was just giving the people what they want.

Oh, this is just great. All the real killers running around Bed-Stuy, and you had to make one up. That's just lazy. What else did you make up? Is your real name Chris? Are you even black? Who knows?

Narrator

Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything black.

Lisa's right. This isn't good.

Chris

What's wrong with it?

Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields, his furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?

Chris

I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.

Oh, right. I want to read about the real black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Superfly, The Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!

Narrator

Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head!

Narrator

When I turned in my story, Lisa read me the riot act.

You call yourself a writer? This is the worst story I've ever read. I just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Do you know how many trees died for you to write this? You're destroying the ozone layer. People are gonna get cancer.

Chris

OK, OK. I get it. So, what's wrong with it?

Everything. I mean, who wants to read about some crusty old ghetto Romeo?

Chris

Well, you told me to write about something I know, and I know this guy.

Well, if this is the best you can do, maybe you should think about doing something else.

Narrator

Like the Chess Club?

Rochelle

Now, wait a minute. You know we say grace every night.

Chris

No we don't.

Rochelle

Yes we do. Shut up and bless the food.

Narrator

If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mom was gonna send me to thank Him in person!

Narrator

Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was stayin' over or takin' over.

Chris

You wearin' Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15!

Greg

I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [in a robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

Narrator

He should pray for some self-esteem!

Greg

What are you doing?

Chris

Turning to MacGyver.

Greg

But I wanted to watch NOVA.

Tonya

NOVA?!? What is that?

Greg

It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.

Drew

Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.

Chris

Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.

Rochelle

Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?

Narrator

Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"

Greg

Thanks!

Narrator

I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.

Narrator

Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.

What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?

Greg

[waking up] 1942.

Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.

Chris

It's because he's staying at my house for a week.

Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

Greg

I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.

Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

Narrator

She was Don Imus in a dress.