Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Greg

I thought I didn't have a personality of my own, but you don't.

Chris Rock

[narrating] Yay! We both suck!

Used to be an ice cream stand there.

Chris Rock

Oh, that's where they sell crack now.

That's where Jerry and Becky Rosenthal got married.

Chris Rock

Yeah. Now that's where Petey Pete got Tisha-T pregnant.

That's where Jacob Cohen got shot 30 years ago.

Chris Rock

Oh. That's where this guy is about to get shot right now.

Eat lead! [shoots a guy]

Chris Rock

Mr. Levine, it's me, Chris! Let me in! LET ME IN!!

Hey, hey, hey! Last time I let you in, I went to the hospital, almost got shipped to the farm... but you did me a favor, I saw my daughter, and me and Doc patched it up. You happy? Now, beat it!

Chris Rock

[narrating] And with that, Mr. Levine taught me everything I needed to know about white people.

Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Chris

Is he smart?

Chris, he's Asian. If you could turn his smart into black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Chris

Cool.

Narrator

If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

Narrator

While Drew was takin' his first step towards the charts, I was makin' my first step toward the mat.

Since this is your first day on the mat, I'm gonna walk you through some moves. You watch wrestling on TV?

Chris

All the time. Hulk Hogan, André the Giant, the Iron Sheik. I love all those guys.

It's too bad, 'cause all that crap is fake.

Chris

They call me the Black Plague.

Rochelle

Isn't that an insult?

Julius

I'm just glad you winnin'. We don't wanna know the things they call Jackie Robinson.

Narrator

If you really wanna know, ask Michael Richards or Don Imus.

Chris

How are we supposed to get in?

Narrator

Easy. Just wait three more years.

Chris

You got the IDs?

Greg

Is Janet Jackson in control?

Narrator

Yeah, but Michael isn't.

Narrator

While everyone else took the test, I took out the answers, and after the test results were in, I got called out.

Oh, Chris, I just never would have expected this out of you. I just don't see how you could do this.

Narrator

When you're about to go down for a crime, everybody knows it's best to throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Chris

Ms. Morello, I can explain. This test meant a lot to my mother.

I bet it did, and she must be proud of you. A perfect score on the PSAT test? That's unheard of in the history of this school! You're like a little chocolate Einstein!

Narrator

More like chocolate Pinocchio.

I'm sorry, but Chris, you're back in your regular classes as of next week, and...

Chris

Yeah, I know. Detention.

No, that would be too easy. I'm making you stay on the Academic Scholastathon Team, and as your punishment, you can go on losing along with them. Listen, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.

Narrator

Too late!

[to Judge Watkins] And I don't know who you are, but I love a black man in a suit. Call me!

Rochelle

Boy, I oughta knock you into subspace.

Chris

Isn't that ridiculous?

Mission Control. That stupid black kid is outside of the space station.

Chris

[screams] Help me!!!!! [screaming continues]

Chris

James "Bonecrusher" Smith is the first heavyweight champ with a college degree. The brother's smart.

Narrator

Then why'd he go into the face-punchin' business?

Chris

You know what? I'll bet you $5 that he beats Tyson in Vegas next week.

Greg

It's like taking candy from a baby.

Narrator

Who would do that?

Greg

Free at last, free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last!

Chris

Greg, it's spring break, not the end of racism.

Greg

So, where were we? Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain how you didn't run me over.

Chris

No, I didn't.

Greg

So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel when my face was smashed up against the windshield?

Chris

No, because if I had hit you, that meant I was driving someone's car, and that someone would go to jail for a really, really, really long time if we snitched. So, not only would you be hurt, he would be hurt also, and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?

Greg

OK, I get it. You didn't hit me.

Narrator

Spoken just like Tina Turner.

Chris

Man, it's messed up!

Greg

That's OK. We've survived worse things. Remember the time we survived those Cuban drug runners?

Where's the drugs?!

Chris

We don't have any coke, but there's a Pepsi machine upstairs.

Greg

Yeah, and remember the time we were captured by those Vietnamese guys?

Chris

C'mon! Go ahead, Greg. Go ahead! [the Vietnamese guy punches him] It's gonna be OK. It's gonna be all right. [the Vietnamese guy punches Greg] GO AHEAD!

Greg

Go fish.

Chris

Remember the time we took out that mobster? [to Greg] Leave the gun. Take the Pop-Tarts.

Greg

Yeah, we've had some crazy times.