Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Are you Christopher?

Chris

Yeah.

Dickerson said you can get the Devil out of this little girl. [we see a possessed girl next to him]

Chris

If I don't have a woman by the time I'm 60...

Narrator

I'll kill myself.

Chris

What you think I am, a snitch?

Narrator

Yes!

Chris

[about watching Drew and Tonya] Ma, I can do it. I mean, I know how much you've been looking forward to this and I wouldn't want you to miss it because of us.

And the award for "Best Kid Pretending Like He Gives A Damn About His Mother's Anniversary When He Really Wants To Get Out Of The House So He Can Sneak Out And Do Something He Doesn't Have Any Business Doing" goes to... Chris!

Chris

I got all the emergency numbers: Fire, Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA, IRS, NAACP, and the NBA.

Narrator

In case Chris Mullin breaks in.

Chris

Lemme make it up to you. Lemme take you out again.

No. Never. Het. Noya. No, no, no, no, no, and no.

Narrator

Unfortunately for me, Kelly spoke 15 languages.

Jo. Cuwa. Momo. Tla.

Narrator

Was that Cherokee?

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Narrator

Kelly didn't realize that I was avoidin' bein' seen with her. She just thought I was the greatest phone boyfriend ever.

Chris

I guess my favorite rappers are Run-D.M.C.

I love Salt-n-Pepa.

Chris

My favorite character from the Rocky movies is Clubber Lang.

I love Captain Drago.

Chris

And I jumped off the top stairs, started flyin', and landed on the Mary Jane Girls.

I had the exact same dream, except I landed on Rick James.

Narrator

About the only thing we didn't talk about is when we'd get together again.

Julius

Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?

Jerome

This? Nah, this was an accident. I thought this was my house.

Chris

You live across the street.

Jerome

Sorry man, I'm dyslexic.

Chris

Ma! Can I go to Times Square with Tasha, Peaches and Malvo?

Rochelle

Hell, no!

Narrator

New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle

This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator

No you're not!

Rochelle

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator

Not my sister.

Tonya

This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator

Yes you will!

Rochelle

[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya

Chris did it!

Narrator

Not my father.

Julius

I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator

Stop lyin'!

Julius

Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator

Not my brother.

Drew

This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator

We'll see about that!

That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Chris Rock

[narrating] In every city, people have disasters they need to survive. In Miami, they have hurricanes, in San Francisco, they have earthquakes, and in New York, we had blackouts. You never knew when one was gonna happen, and you didn't want to be on the street when it did.

Look out!

Mr. Omar

Hey, Chris. I can't believe this. There's rioting, looting, people are getting killed.

Chris Rock

I know, it's tragic.

Mr. Omar

"Tragic"? It's great. Stay up.

Chris Rock

[runs and sees an explosion and yells in shock] Oh! [knocks on door] Help! Let me in! There's a blackout!

Go away, get out of here!

Chris Rock

[narrating] Next to "We're the Jehovah's Witnesses. Can we have a minute of your time?", "Let me in! There's a blackout!" is the only guarantee somebody will not open a door.

Chris Rock

[knocks on door] Help! [grunts, but easily opens the apartment door, enters, and closes the door]

[cocks rifle] Hey! [Chris raises his arms] Don't you move a muscle.

Chris Rock

[narrating] I survived the blackout outside. Now I needed to survive the next worst thing: A white man inside.

Chris Rock

Do you think I stole something?

No, I'm just a freaky old man who likes to see the inside of pockets.

Drew

Where were you, Chris?

Chris Rock

[narrating] With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.

What are you, a Good Samaritan?

Chris Rock

[narrating] In Brooklyn, bein' nice only aroused suspicion.

Rochelle

[to Peaches, about her leopard-skin jacket] So, what do you think?

Chris Rock

[narrating] I think a leopard cub is missin' his mommy.