Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

You'd think it'd be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.

Tonya

That smells good.

Who wants meatloaf?

Chris

No we don't! We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni

Tonya

My macaronni oven mitts were not stupid!

Drew

You're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaronni hotcon.

Tonya

Shut up!

Narrator

Or your macaronni macaronni bowl.

[narrating] Hey, you shut up, too.

Narrator

Get outta my voice-over booth, woman! Save that for the show, "Everybody Hates Tonya"!

[narrating] Whatever.

Narrator

I wanted to give my mother something nice because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.

Rochelle

OK, who wants pizza? [the rest of her family each grabs a slice]

Narrator

And she sacrificed on the street.

Tonya

Thanks for your coat, Momma.

Rochelle

That's OK, baby. I like the cold.

The perfume contains up to 20% more aromatic compounds than the eau de toilette, and is classified by the olfactive family, though it does not exist as a true, singular aromatic material, whereas the eau de toilette contains up to five to ten...

Narrator

You can see the rest of this 20-minute speech over at PerfumeNut.net.

Narrator

Choosin' to shoplift was the worst decision I had ever made. Even a Turkish prison would be nice compared to what my mother would do if she found out I stole.

Rochelle

[off-screen] CHRIS!! Boy, where you at!?

Chris

My mother's coming! Kill me now! Kill me now! KILL ME NOW!!

It looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.

Chris

But this isn't fair!

I know, but always remember this: When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me, and all God's children.

Narrator

I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

Greg

You know, we can't let this happen. Starsky and Hutch didn't break up.

Narrator

They were both white.

Greg

Butch and Sundance didn't break up.

Narrator

White again.

Greg

Crockett and Tubbs didn't break up.

Narrator

Tubbs thought he was white.

You know what would be a good idea? A show about cops arrestin' people.

Narrator

But what would you call it?

Rochelle

[to Mr. Perkins] Where are you gettin' this information?

Narrator

I'll tell you where he's gettin' it.

Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says.

Greg

Want some cash?

Chris

You kiddin' me?

Greg

Take it, man. I can get more tomorrow.

Narrator

Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.

Rochelle

I do not need this, OK?! My man has two jobs!

Narrator

Two jobs equals one finger.

[overjoyed] Oh, my God! Chris!

Narrator

It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.

If you wanna get along with me, don't be lazy.

Narrator

Or black.

Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl! You think I don't know I got a mole?!

Narrator

Holy moly!

I know I got a mole!

Narrator

Does your mole know about your mustache?

Vanessa

Wha-? Gloria, wait a minute!

Vanessa

[stares at Tonya for a moment] Tonya?

Tonya

What?...

Narrator

While I talked my way into a job, Tonya talked her way out of one.

Vanessa

You gotta fire Tonya.

Rochelle

Vanessa, let me talk to her first!

Vanessa

Rochelle, I don't have time for that. I'm losin' more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Narrator

Ah salaam a-lick-'em!

Vanessa

She broke up 2 marriages, she outed Jerome's uncle and she told Gloria 'bout her mole.

Rochelle

She told Gloria about her mole?...

Narrator

Oh lord, not the mole!

Vanessa

Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.

Rochelle

She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?

Vanessa

She didn't have to.

Rochelle

Oh...well Vanessa...!

Vanessa

[mocking voice] Rochelle! Either you fire her, or I'm gonna have to fire you.