Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Greg

What are you doing?

Chris

Turning to MacGyver.

Greg

But I wanted to watch NOVA.

Tonya

NOVA?!? What is that?

Greg

It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.

Drew

Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.

Chris

Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.

Rochelle

Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?

Narrator

Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"

Greg

Thanks!

Narrator

I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.

Monk

How come you don't do your homework like that, Chris?

Narrator

Because I'm too busy cuttin' up boxes.

Julius

Why don't you just fly to Vegas?

Oh, um... I'm, um... I'm claustrophobic.

Narrator

Not to mention truthophobic!

Narrator

Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.

What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?

Greg

[waking up] 1942.

Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.

Chris

It's because he's staying at my house for a week.

Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

Greg

I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.

Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

Narrator

She was Don Imus in a dress.

Greg

[angrily] Why didn't you wake me up?

Chris

You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.

Greg

That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!

Chris

Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you coulda flown to school. [walks away]

Narrator

Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

Narrator

I decided on an ultimatum.

Chris

Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not gonna give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave. It's a matter of principles.

Doc

Is that an ultimatum?

Narrator

Well, is it?

Chris

Yeah.

Mr. Fong

What are you doing?

Chris

Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.

Mr. Fong

No homework! You have work-work!

Chris

But Doc always let me start my homework.

Mr. Fong

Well, you are not at Doc's anymore! Go fix the menu numbers!

Narrator

I was gettin' minimum wage and havin' minimum fun.

Narrator

People found the idea of getting food delivered in Bed-Stuy unbelievable.

Doc

Delivery in Bed-Stuy. Unbelievable!

Rochelle

Julius is never gonna sleep with me again and everybody's gonna think I'm...

Narrator

My mom's career as a hair model was over faster than Pacman Jones' career as a citizen.

Greg

OK, Smartypants, do I say "hi?" Do I say "hello?" Or maybe "hey?" Or even "hey, hi?" The possibilities are endless! We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.

Narrator

I know what you'll be wearing: a look of frozen terror.

[speaking Chinese] You look like Lionel Richie.

Narrator

About as much as you look like Yoko Ono.

Narrator

No matter what I did, it seemed like I was supposed to be doin' somethin' else.

[speaking Chinese] You're sweeping my foot, fool!

Narrator

When I washed the floors...

Mr. Fong

Lionel Richie, set the tables!

Narrator

When I set the tables...

Mr. Fong

Lionel! Organize the fortune cookies!

Narrator

When I organized the fortune cookies...

Mr. Fong

5:30! Lionel Richie, go wash the dishes!

Narrator

He wouldn't talk to the real Lionel Richie like that.

Mr. Fong

Lionel Richie, you're back just in time for another delivery.

Chris

I'm not goin' back out there. This neighborhood is too dangerous for deliveries. You're basically sendin' me out there with a sign sayin', "Hey, I got money. Please rob me." Plus, I almost got shot.

Mr. Fong

My nephew has been shot by the Chinese army seven times.

[speaking Chinese] In the face!

Narrator

He should stop attackin' China.

Greg

I've been having a hard time with my Mandy situation. This girl could be my future ex-wife, and I don't wanna mess it up.

Narrator

Greg still isn't over his parents' divorce.

Narrator

After two years at Corleone, I'd gotten used to bein' the only black kid, but it had two major downsides. One downside was I was the only black kid, and the other was I was the only black kid.

Let's celebrate the day Chris' people finally realized they were emancipated! Happy Juneteenth, Chris! [blows a party horn in Chris' face]

Narrator

I thought things would never change, but then Albert arrived.