Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Rochelle

Freeze! 'Cause I ain't raisin' no babies!

Narrator

Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Jerome

Put the tape on, little dude.

Narrator

Get outta here, big dude.

Rochelle

Is this remedy of yours gonna work?

Julius

Oh, it'll work. It's been passed down for generations. My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great-grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.

Narrator

My father's home remedies were legendary. If you had a headache...

Julius

Baking soda and a pomegranate.

Narrator

If you were nauseous...

Julius

Catfish and grape jelly.

Narrator

If you were blind...

Julius

A tin cup and a white cane.

Narrator

Hey, he couldn't cure everything.

Mr. Omar

There's some videos over there you're welcome to watch. I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki a.k.a. Death, Japanese Style.

Chris

Cool, thanks.

Narrator

Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death: Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Greg

You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.

Narrator

I could.

Chris

Guess I am in there.

Greg

You're so in there, we'd have to send a search party to find you.

Greg

You can still get involved in an activity.

Chris

Like what?

Greg

I don't know. Something that plays into your strong suits.

Narrator

Problem is, all I had were weak suits.

Oh, this is a disaster!

Rochelle

Can you believe what this is gonna do to the community?

I mean, why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when I'm tryin' to get reelected?

Rochelle

What? You worried about bein' reelected when my son is out there about to be snipped to death by a scissor killer! Is that what you sayin' to me?!

Uh, n-no, no.

Narrator

Yes!

I'm sayin', what would people think if I'm allowin' a serial killer to roam the neighborhood?!

Narrator

I hadn't seen spin like that since Usher battled Omarion.

Narrator

After my mother set me straight, I had to set the story straight.

You made it up?

Chris

Well, I'm sorry. I was just giving the people what they want.

Oh, this is just great. All the real killers running around Bed-Stuy, and you had to make one up. That's just lazy. What else did you make up? Is your real name Chris? Are you even black? Who knows?

Doc

I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.

Narrator

Both of 'em.

Doc

Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.

Narrator

Now we're up to three.

Doc

Then I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.

Narrator

OK, we're back at two.

Narrator

Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything black.

Lisa's right. This isn't good.

Chris

What's wrong with it?

Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields, his furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?

Chris

I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.

Oh, right. I want to read about the real black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Superfly, The Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!

Narrator

Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head!

Narrator

When I turned in my story, Lisa read me the riot act.

You call yourself a writer? This is the worst story I've ever read. I just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Do you know how many trees died for you to write this? You're destroying the ozone layer. People are gonna get cancer.

Chris

OK, OK. I get it. So, what's wrong with it?

Everything. I mean, who wants to read about some crusty old ghetto Romeo?

Chris

Well, you told me to write about something I know, and I know this guy.

Well, if this is the best you can do, maybe you should think about doing something else.

Narrator

Like the Chess Club?

Greg

If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.

Rochelle

Come, eat.

Narrator

Help! My mother's possessed by a nice lady!

Rochelle

Now, wait a minute. You know we say grace every night.

Chris

No we don't.

Rochelle

Yes we do. Shut up and bless the food.

Narrator

If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mom was gonna send me to thank Him in person!

Narrator

Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was stayin' over or takin' over.

Chris

You wearin' Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15!

Greg

I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [in a robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

Narrator

He should pray for some self-esteem!

Narrator

Greg was drivin' me up the wall and my dad was about to get taken for a ride.

Julius

Where to?

Las Vegas.

Julius

Seriously, man, where to?

Las Vegas, Nevada.

Julius

Man, you crazy. Get outta my cab!

Hey, no, seriously, brother, I really need to get to Las Vegas.

Julius

Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!

Would you take me to Las Vegas for $1000?

Narrator

For $1000, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.