Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

After all that had happened, I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me. Even though I had managed to get the car back home without him knowing, it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

Chris

Dad?

Julius

Yeah, son?

Chris

I have a confession to make. I drove your car to school today.

Julius

You what?

Chris

I'm sorry. I really am.

Julius

Son, I'm very disappointed in you, but as long as you're safe, that's all that really matters.

Chris

Thanks, Dad.

Julius

But one more thing...

Chris

Yes, Dad?

Narrator

Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.

Chris

I think we should get a dog.

Narrator

I'd always wanted a dog, but my parents always said no. But maybe the robbery would make them change their mind.

Rochelle

For the umpteenth time, Chris, we are not getting a dog.

Narrator

Wishful thinking.

Narrator

Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, but that didn't stop them from readin' it.

Drew

Check this out. Matlock at 4:00. When Nashville star Dolly Parton gets arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock.

Tonya

Look at this: Moses Gunn is gonna be on The Jeffersons.

Drew

Did you know that Little House on the Prairie was closed-captioned for the hearing impaired?

Tonya

Stephanie Mills is gonna be on Captain Kangaroo!

Julius

Blackie, get outta my chair!

Narrator

He's guardin' it.

Blackie, ataca! ¡Ataca!

Narrator

To y'all who don't speak Spanish, that means "attack."

Rochelle

Believe me, there have been many other problems.

Narrator

One time the house flooded.

Rochelle

Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius

No. Now we have a swimming pool.

Narrator

Another time a plane dropped a load.

Rochelle

Can we call the insurance company now?

Julius

No way. Now we have new luggage.

Narrator

And another time, aliens took over.

Rochelle

Now can I call the insurance company?

Julius

No, I've always wanted to go to another planet.

Narrator

I thought I'd never see Blackie again.

Chris

Blackie, cómo estás? How are you?

Narrator

And he thought he'd never seen me before.

Chris

[Blackie growls] Blackie, remember, it's me, Chris, tu amigo. Hey papi, tranquilo. Papi, tranquilo. [Blackie chases him] No, no, no!

Todo el mundo odia Chris. (Everybody hates Chris.)

Julius

Chris, this is it. You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food.

Narrator

Dogs aren't used in dog food, but this wasn't a good time to correct my father.

Narrator

Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy: prank phone calls.

Tonya

Do you have pig's feet?

Yes. Yes, we do.

Tonya

Well, if you wear shoes, nobody will notice.

Narrator

Not only did I learn Spanish, I also learned about a whole new world. A world that, ironically, wasn't too different from the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves, a Puerto Rican Doc, a Puerto Rican Risky, and even a Puerto Rican Jerome.

Hey! Papi de otra calle! (Little dude from another street!) Lemme hold un dollar, papa. [Chris gives him a dollar]

Narrator

Everything was different, but gettin' robbed still hurt.

Gracias, hermano. (Thank you, brother.)

Julius

They took my meat! All of it! Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna!

Narrator

If they stole that stuff earlier, maybe he wouldn't have the gout.

Greg

Here's a couple books on dog training.

Chris

You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?

Greg

I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.

Narrator

That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

This dog is a lover, not a fighter.

Narrator

In fact, Blackie was such a lover, we have to go to commercial right now.

I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven. Either I pass it, or it's your ass.

Narrator

It's not my ass's fault you suck at math.

Chris

What time is it?

Mr. Omar

8:45.

Narrator

8:45 was a quarter past late as hell.