Malik quotes from E.R.

Benton

[to Carter] Just take a deep breath, alright. Need you to stay on your feet here. He's totally dry. Trendelenburg.

Carter

I think I'm going to be sick.

Benton

No, you're not. Internal CPR.

Carol

He's fibrillating!

Dr. Benton

Damn it. Twenty-five clear.

Chuny

Got a beep. Nope, it's gone.

Benton

Fifty. Clear.

Chuny

Asystole.

Carol

Well, that helped a lot.

Malik

Smells kind of like a barbeque in here.

Carter

Oh god. [passes out]

Malik

Ha, ha. Welcome back, Carter.

Mark

What's he doing on a news chopper?

Jerry

[Jerry points to the TV] Hey look there's Doctor Ross.

Malik

Turn up the volume.

Wendy

Where's the remote?

Mark

[speaks into the radio] Doug, do you read me?

Doug

Mark, is that you?

Mark

What are you doing?

Doug

I got a 12-year-old with hypothermia. I gotta warm him up fast! I'm doing the best I can.

Carol

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me....uhhh....

Doug

12 tone-deaf doctors.

Mark

11 lords a lording.

Susan

10 drummers drumming.

Carter

9 something, something.

Lydia

8 maids a milking.

Malik

7 swans a swatting.

6 geese a gagging.

5 golden rings! 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree!

Malik

Whose beeper is that?

Benton

It's coming from the patient.

Malik

[looking at the beeper] Lydia, what number did you page Gant to?

Lydia

This room, 3376.

Malik

That's the number on this pager.

Maggie

[Takes the pager from Malik. Realizes] Oh, my God.

Carter

What?

Maggie

The patient! It's Gant!

Carter

[Beat. Carter takes a closer look at the patient's face.] Dennis? [Benton and Carter look at each other, horrified.] Oh, sweet Jesus.

Mark

Malik, can you join me?

Malik

What for?

Mark

Kenny Law died. I have to tell his family.

Malik

If you're scared, you should call Security. I'm a nurse.

Jerry

Carter, what do you think the best approach with Weaver is? Contrition? Indignation?

Malik

Begging.

Carter

I think I would just appeal to her innate sense of fairness.

Lydia

She has a sense of fairness?

Carter

Yeah. Just remind her that you've been on nights now for...

Jerry

Four months.

Carter

And that you think your exemplary work history, and your many years of loyal service, marred only by one minor incident...

Lydia

Blowing up the ambulance bay.

Carter

...makes it incumbent upon her to bring you back to the land of the living.

Malik

I still say beg.

[just entered the ER] What the hell is this?

Anna

You can't come in here, the ER's contaminated!

What happened?

Anna

They just showed up covered in benzine. Okay, somebody clear out the lobby!

Jerry

[yelling back at the Paramedic who's shouting at him] You didn't control the scene! They came here in a pickup truck!

Carter

MOVE THIS GURNEY OUT OF THE WAY.

Carter

Alright, EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!! EVERYBODY shut up! [Jeanie: Send them to Mercy!] We are going to evacuate the entire ER. Check every room, all contaminated patients and staff, go to the ambulance bay right now!

Malik

Wait a minute, how do we know who's contaminated?

Carter

If you got a spot on your skin, if you got a spot on your gurney, if you got a spot on your clothes, go outside right now!

Benton

Alright, you heard him! Move, move, move, go!

Lucy

[preparing a injection] Malik, could I ask you a question? Which do you think is the better vein?

Malik

That's the one. Big and straight.

Lucy

Okay.

Malik

Just slide it in, he can't feel anything.

Lucy

All right. [she inserts the needle] It's going in. Got a flash. I'm advancing.

Malik

Sapphire pinkie ring? This man ain't got no class.

Lucy

Hooked up the line. Got the tape. How come it's not running in?

Malik

It's infiltrated. You went all they way through the vein.

Lucy

No, I was really careful.

Malik

Well, Lucy, you gotta be kind of Zen with it, okay? Now watch the master okay? It's not about seeing. It's not about feeling. It's about knowing.

Malik

Hey, Carol, I've got us a customer. SOB with a cough.

Who are you calling a "Son of a Bitch"?

Malik

[chuckling] No, ma'am, it just means "shortness of breath".

Kerry

The board is full, gurneys are lining in the halls. We've got another 30 in the rack. We desperately need to clear out the rooms and you're wasting your time on April fools' pranks. No more shenanigans for the rest of the day. Have I made myself clear?

Malik

Uh, yes. Yes, ma'am.

Yosh

Uh huh.

Kerry

Dave!

Dave

[after being awoken by Abby, dazed] Yeah.

Kerry

How much did you give him?

Luka

Ten milligrams.

Kerry

Okay, I want you to take a nap.

Dave

I'm fine.

Kerry

What did I just say?

Dave

Go take a nap.

Kerry

Before that.

Dave

Uh, no more fooling around.

Kerry

That's right. Now get back to work.

Kerry

Malucci!

Dave

It wasn't me, I swear.

I could use a sponge bath.

Chen

You up for a lap dance, Malik?

Malik

Maybe...

Stay away from me, you chocolate homo.

Malik

How did you know my stage name?

Malik

Just say no to drugs and double bacon cheeseburgers.

You know, his size was probably something he couldn't control.

Susan

Especially if he was running downhill.

Malik

I didn't even know they played pool in Croatia.

Luka

Sure. But, we just use broomsticks and goat testicles.

Malik

Get out of here!

Luka

No, it's hard. Those balls don't roll straight.

Luka

OK, listen up- I've got reassignments for all of you during the E.R. closure.

Pratt

How come you're just telling us this today?

Luka

I thought I could prevent this, but Anspaugh's not budging.

Malik

How long we shuttin' down for?

Luka

I'm not sure.

Chuny

Great- I'm sure I'll end up giving enemas in Geriatrics.

Luka

No, you're going to I.C.U. [Chuny looks relieved] Malik, Geriatrics. [Malik looks incredulous] Pratt, Family Medicine. Abby, you're going to the NICU-

Abby

Uh, I'm not going to the NICU. [Luka looks up quickly, then remembers]

Luka

Right. I'll, uh, fix that.