Drunk Patient quotes from E.R.

[while standing on a bed] Listen up, everybody! I'm the last guy you want in the ER. [falls off the bed]

Are you married?

Susan

No, I'm a doctor.

Carol

You know what we call motorcycles around here, Ace?

No. What?

Carol

Donor-cycles.

[laughs] Donor-cycles. I like that.

Carol

You would.

100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer take one down pass it around 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

Jerry

I've never heard one go on this long.

Lydia

Seems like forever.

Jerry

He can't even count, never drops to 99, 98, just back to 100.

Haleh

So you don't mind that he's loud and smells bad, just that he can't sing the song right.

Lydia

100 bottles of beer on the wall... Sorry it's catchy.

Haleh

Who's on?

Jerry

General Lee but she's in a meeting with Anspaugh.

Lydia

I hope you aren't calling her that to her face.

Jerry

Our new chief of emergency services, would I do something like that?

Haleh

We need to pop this guy some Ativan and put him out of our misery.

Jerry

Yes, I believe there is someone asleep in the on-call room.

Wake them up.

Jerry

I can't leave the desk.

Haleh

Then find someone that can wake them up.

Lydia

We've got work to do.

Dave

Hey, how you doing, Jesse? I'm Dr. Dave.

I'm not feeling too well.

Dave

Well, what seems to be the problem?

Dave

That's...colorful.

I could use a sponge bath.

Chen

You up for a lap dance, Malik?

Malik

Maybe...

Stay away from me, you chocolate homo.

Malik

How did you know my stage name?

2:16 PM. The end of the world!

Carter

Oh, great, I have to work. I'm always working when the world ends.

Um, are you a doctor?

Neela

No, but-

Elizabeth

Yes actually, she's just not on duty now.

[holds out his injured hand] Oh- well, I got my hand slammed in a car door, and I'm supposed to get another dose of morphine-

Abby

Yeah, if you just wait over there I'll take care of that for you in a minute.

Ok. [he walks away]

Elizabeth

[to Neela] You need to start referring to yourself properly; you'll never gain the confidence of your patients otherwise.

Neela

Doesn't feel quite earned yet.

Elizabeth

Fake it 'til it does.

Abby

How come you have to panhandle?

Because they're not hiring at Hooters.

Luka

CT scan seems a little bit confused.

I am not confused.

Ray

What's the date today?

February 9th, and I want my can opener back!