Abby Lockhart quotes from E.R.

Luka

[discussing what they'll need to get ready for the baby. Abby realizes that they'll need two of everything, one for her place and one for his] So, if we have twins, we need to have four of everything?

Abby

I'm not having twins.

Luka

Ahh, identical twins run in my family.

Abby

Are you kidding me?

Luka

What? I mean, chances are really small.

Abby

If your mutant Croatian seed causes me to have twins, I ...

Luka

Listen, look at it from the sunny side. If we have a custody fight, each one of us is going to take a kid.

Luka

Identical twins.

Abby

[still laughing] Got it. Let's go.

Abby

Crap! [she ducks behind a clothes rack]

Luka

What? [Abby pulls him behind the rack]

Abby

It's Debbie Dawkins, from the pharmacy.

Luka

Who? [He tries to peer out, and Abby smacks him in the arm]

Abby

Don't look! If she spots the two of us in a baby store together holding bags of stuff, she's gonna tell everybody!

Luka

I don't even know who she is-

Abby

She knows who you are!

Luka

I don't think so!

Abby

Oh, Luka- every woman who works in the hospital knows who you are, trust me.

Jerry

[about Pratt's suit] Dr. Pratt! Who's the lucky lady?

Pratt

Oh, no, no- it's nothing like that, just a little charity event I gotta attend to.

[adjusting Pratt's tie] Oh, don't you be coy, Pratt! Chicago's 50 hottest bachelors are being auctioned off to benefit the Chicago Health Coalition! [Pratt chuckles]

Jerry

Impressive!

[peeved] I, the 51st hottest bachelor, didn't make the cut.

Abby

How's Olivia feel about this?

Pratt

Feel about what?

Abby

the fact that someone's buying a date with her boyfriend?

Pratt

Aw, I wouldn't put it that way! It's a good cause- she's cool.

Haleh

[sarcastically] Really? Your African-American girlfriend is cool with her African-American boyfriend bein' put up on the block for a bunch of rich white women to bid on?

Pratt

[grins] Take it easy, Angela Davis. How do you know they're all white? See ya!

Abby

Really impressive how you guys can leap from misogyny to homophobia in a single bound!

Frank

Hey, you're the one who was just calling Albright a bitch.

Abby

Oh, right- after you did! Anyway, that's not the point- the point is, why is everybody so bigoted around here?!

Ray

No more overnights for Abby.

Yeah, Kovac, your woman's starting to sound a little kooky.

Abby

Oh, Morris, I swear to God, if you ever- ever- refer to me as someone's 'woman' again, I will slap you silly with this hole-punch! [she shoves said hole-punch in his face, startling him]

Ray

Don't you mean bitch-slap?

Why are you still here?

Abby

Uh, 'cause my fridge at home was empty and I was hungry

[looking at the ice cream sandwich she is eating] Didn't I see you eating one of those 20 minutes ago?

Abby

This is my third.

Third? What are you, pregnant?

Abby

What? What are you talking about?

Oh my God, you are!

Abby

You're crazy.

You are, aren't you??

Abby

No...

You are totally pregnant!

Abby

So what, you're in love with Albright.

I am not!

Abby

Oh Morris, come on.

You shut up.

Abby

You shut up too.

You shut up first!

Pratt

Shut up about what?

Nothing.

Abby

Nothing.

Luka

So what do you think?

Abby

About what?

Luka

The baby's sex is right there on that amnio report.

Abby

Did you know that the X chromosome contains three times as much genetic information as the Y? Do you think that's why men are simpler?

Luka

And you didn't ask.

Abby

[noticing a gift basket full of baby items] Hey, what's this?

Frank

Oh, that's for you and the little bastard.

Abby

Thanks, Frank.

Kerry

Hey, congratulations!

Abby

Thank you. It was supposed to be a secret. [looks pointedly at Morris]

Wha- everybody was saying you were getting puffy! I was trying to defend you!

Abby

I'm getting puffy?

Luka

You're not getting puffy.

Abby

Got anything for me, Chief?

Oh, yes. For you: Anal warts-

Abby

Every girl's dream.

And raw oyster anphylaxis.

Chuny

Ugh, how can anyone eat those things?

Abby

They're supposed to be an aphrodisiac.

Trust me, they work.

Kerry

All right, Who left a kielbasa in the drug fridge? This is a clear JCAHO violation. Who didn't know that?

Abby

I'm guessing Frank, his name's on it.

Kerry

Well, someone tell him to keep his sausage to himself.

Abby, you get fever rash. I will take dog bite to the ear lobe. Wait, no...you take dog bite and I'll take the rash. It could be Rubella. We wouldn't want our baby getting a TORCH infection.

Abby

What?

TORCH infection. You know, herpes.

Abby

I know what a TORCH infection is.

Then you know it wouldn't be good for our baby.

Abby

Why do you keep calling it "our" baby?

I don't mean our baby like you and me. I mean like our baby, like an ER mascot.

Abby

This baby isn't anybody's mascot. [she walks away]

Oh, come on! Don't go away mad!

Abby

Good Lord, what is that?

Luka

What?

Abby

That smell. It's really bad. It smells like... ass.

Neela

You do realize how close you are to the ER?

Luka

Abby, we...we need to finish our talk.

Abby

No, we don't actually cause you know what, I understand.

Luka

No, no you don't.

Abby

No, I do.

Luka

Listen...

Abby

No, you listen, I - I mean...sorry. I just..I...I'm...you know what? I know that we're not married and um...and we don't live together and we really haven't defined our relationship and I know that that's mostly, probably all because of me, but you looked at me and said that we were going to do this together. And I know that you'll be back before the baby's born, but I just...I just hate that you wanna go, and I hate that I hate that you wanna go, but I'm just a little bit...scared, Luka and um...I don't want to do this by myself, but if I have to I - I can and I will.

Luka

I'm sending Pratt.

Abby

To help me with the baby?

Luka

To Darfur. He... he... he.. He volunteered. Long story.

Abby

The thing is, yes it's gonna get harder and harder, but that doesn't mean that right now they're not better off together.

Luka

Like you were better off with your mother? [Abby gives him a look] Sorry.

Abby, You can't give me Haldol. You can't give me Haldol, Abby. I'm not crazy. You understand?

Abby

It's OK, it's OK.

Hey Ray! Come here, buddy, come here. Come here buddy, come here buddy. These freaking chicks are losing their minds. Come here and help me man!

Abby

Get Luka.

[to paramedic] What, are you gonna amputate my leg? [to Ray] Yeah, run to daddy, little bitch. Run to daddy little bitch.

Mothers often eat their own young in the wild and we just think it's part of nature, right? But when women kill their children, it's a crime, and we think they're crazy.

Abby

What?

Well, I mean, it just makes you wonder, right? Are the lions crazy too? Or are women like Susan Smith and Andrea Yates just acting upon some primitive impulse that's deep within our genetic maternal make-up?

Luka

Am I interrupting something?

Just some girl talk.