Ed Stevens quotes from Ed

Ed

[to Molly about Carol] If you're not born with broad shoulders and a strong jaw, there's only one way to get the girl... you make a complete ass of yourself.

Ed

[to Mike] You know when you go into a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular. That's my staff.

Ed

Sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so completely wrong for one another. It's fate's nasty side, I guess.

Ed

I came up with a theory on women. Women are just fancy men. You know what I mean? Start with a man, add a bunch of interesting bells and whistles, and you've got a woman.

Ed

[defending Stan in court] Without the world of possibility, what do we have left?

Ed

[about the mailman] Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.

Ed

[To opposing counsel, after presenting love letter that Dick wrote to Ceela] I think you're looking at a 7-10 split.

Ed

[to Phil] Stuckeybowl is a family place - a nice place. It's not a stripper kind of place.

Ed

[introducing the Festival of Ducks] Quack, quack. That's all I got... beer's over there!

Ed

With all due respect, sir, this is a full-assed bowlathon.

Ed

Jaspertown can kiss my Stuckeyvillian ass!

Ed

Oh Carol, I know about your attraction to me... let's just stop torturing ourselves, and let's start doin' it already!

Ed

[to Phil] I can never tell where the admiration leaves off and the condescension begins.

Ed

Stuckeyville... the place where broken hearts go to mend.

Ed

[to Carol, at her birthday party] Didn't you wish for a deep, long, soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?