A character in Duckman
Voiced by Jason Alexander
Duckman · 48 quotes
Most-quoted character in Duckman: in 37 of its 48 quotes
Most scenes with: Cornfed Pig (13), Aunt Bernice (7), Fluffy (5)
Greetings. I have interfered with your television signals to inform you of my intention to command and dominate your everyday lives. You are now all completely and totally under my control.
DuckmanPhew! I thought something was wrong with the TV.
Duckman[pointing a knife at Cornfed] Stay outta this, porky!
Easy, Duckman. I know over two hundred ways to kill a man.
You could glue an open jar of rats to his face, then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out through his face.
[Brief silence]
Two hundred and one.
DuckmanShut up, both of you! I'm sick of looking at you!
You're not sick of looking at Sherry! You spent the last six days watching that videotape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for!
[to Cornfed] You said you erased that.
Erased, ran off thousands of copies - it's such a fine line.
Duckman[driving from the hospital] Cornfed... do you think I'm attractive?
...Sorry, Duckman. I don't date people I work with.
DuckmanNo, spam-for-brains, do ya think there's anything wrong with my bill?!
You mean the fact that it curves to one side, the nostrils don't match, it's covered with nicotine stains, acne, scars, varicose veins, and it whistles when you chew? [he turns to Duckman for a beat] I mean, no. Nothing I can see.
DuckmanThe reason people come to the Duckman Detective Agency is Duckman, not Cornfed!
[over intercom] Phonecall for Mr. Cornfed.
Fax for Mr. Cornfed.
Carrier pigeon for Mr. Cornfed.
Semaphore for Mr. Cornfed.
Smoke signals for Mr. Cornfed.
Duckman[shouts out the window] CORNFED DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE!!!
Hmm, let's try him at home. [picks up a phone and dials Cornfed's number]
DuckmanWhat are you bothering me with that stuff for?! I told ya - he's gone! Fired! He was nothing but a big pink weight on my shoulders, and we're better off without him!
If you say so...
How's the case going without him?
DuckmanCase? What case? Oh right, the case! I was just about to put it to bed. [chuckles] Along with the client.
Hmm. The kind of joke he'd probably enjoy telling when Cornfed was around.
DuckmanHey, maybe it's time for you two hairballs to do something around here besides irritating the hell outta me!
You want our help?!
On a case?!
DuckmanI'll start with a couple questions, not that I don't already know the answers. I do. I just wanna, you know, see how you're thinking. Suppose you're the chairman of a large--
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Chair person.
DuckmanSuppose you're the chair person of a large corporation that makes meat on a stick.
Oh, Mr. Duckman! We couldn't support the killing of animals for food!
Nor the senseless slaughter of trees for sticks!
DuckmanOkay... You're the chair people of a large, environmentally friendly corporation that produces wholesome apples. Now! You're supposed to prove that someone died of natural causes. What would you do?
Are the apple free-range, or are they grown in captivity?
[Duckman throws Fluffy and Uranus out the window, who then land on the street and get run over by a streetsweeper]
DuckmanDid I ever tell you my dad's last words to me?
Mm-hmm -- "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on."
DuckmanBefore that!
Duckman (runs into biker bar and trips on bottle into a biker)
Watch it jerk.
DuckmanWho you calling jerk you Long haired, Fat Bellied, Goofy Tattoo'd 60's Villager Wannabe Biker freak?
Little bubbly?
DuckmanI know it's the water jets plus that dam digestive problem of mine. I..mm.. you didn't mean the water did ya?
DuckmanHummana Hummana Howwa
Very impressive Mr. Duckman, but why are you telling me in Cherokee that you have raccoons in your pants?
DuckmanIt looks a lot worse than it actually is.
Not unlike nipple clamps.
[Duckman walks onstage in front of an audience]
DuckmanI know you all came here to see Iggy Catalpa, because you think he's funny. Because you like his style. Because you just plain like him, right?
Yeah! Yeah!
DuckmanBut you just think you do! Because you are manipulated into thinking you do—by him, King Chicken! [Bernice and others gasp in shock to see King Chicken on stage with a cane] He did it the same way they manipulate us into buying toothpaste, car wax, even politicians! All prepackaged, a least offensive, most appealing alternative. But it's precisely when humor is offensive that we need it most! Comedy should provoke! It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions! Comedy should always leave you different than when it found you!
[The audience start murmuring to each other]
The rabble seems roused.
DuckmanSure, humor can hurt, even alienate, but the risk is better than the alternative: a steady diet of innocuous, childproof, flavorless mush! Demand to be challenged! To be offended! To be treated like thinking, reasoning adults! And raise your children to be the same! Don't let a comedian, a network, a congressional committee, or an evil genius take away your freedom to laugh at whatever you want!
Well, looks like I got no choice but to find the defendant not guil--
DuckmanNot so fast! I'm taking on my own defence, and I wish to call a witness!
In light of the fact that this case is won and at the risk of sounding insubordinate, are you out of your [bleep]ing mind?
Mr. Duckman, you've only been here eight hours, and already you've turned our whole world topsy-turvy!
We spent the entire morning burning your sheets, and your mattress, and the bed, and the carpet around the bed leading into the bathroom! And the bathroom!
You have to treat people with respect, Mr. Duckman, whether it's what you say to them or how you act in their house!
Eric Duckman[apathetically, takes the fried eggs he made from their rare finch eggs] Uh-huh, look, these eggs need a little ketchup, is there anything else?
[furious] As a matter of fact, there is. Get the [beep] out of here, Mr. Duckman.
[Duckman stands in shocked silence]
You deaf, Mr. [beep]hole?! Get the [beep] out of here before we [beep]ing tear your [beep]ing [beep] off and shove it up your [beep]ing [beep]!
[They point at the door and he sadly leaves, giving a brief hopeful smile before they slam the door on him]
Ooh, that felt pretty [beep]ing good!
[groans] Blacking out. Swoon. Down I go. Must be my potassium deficiency.
Here, have a banana.
You offered me a banana? The phallic fruit? I'm uncomfortable with what that implies. I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment.
What? You can't. I didn't mean anything. Besides, it can't be harassment. I'm not even a-- [gasps]
You're not even a what? A woman? That's right. I had to appear to abandon Duckman so I could infiltrate your society because of a hunch I had as to your real identity. The broken French accent, the unnaturally husky voice, the second-rate acting. You can only be one person: Gerard Depardieu. [unmasks "Regine"]
DuckmanKing Chicken!
That was my second guess.
DuckmanI CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! [shrieks hysterically] I just want to get home for my kids' birthday, but this whole leaf-blowing, false-advertising, traffic-stopping, tax-dollar-squandering, workers-on-permanent-coffee-break, upper-class-money-dodging, stolen-car-parts-dealing, sign-changing society WON'T LET ME! And you know who's to blame?! WE ALL ARE! We say we hate lawyers, but we can't wait to sue somebody! We want leaders to make tough choices, then we vote them out when they do! We all want X-rated older-women-with-hirsute-upper-lips chat lines, then scream bloody murder when we get the bill! I ask ya - what's happened to logic in this world?!
[Two policemen arrive and put him in handcuffs]
You're under arrest.
DuckmanFor what?! I have a right to speak my mind!
We're arresting you for ranting in public without a starched collar.
DuckmanWhat kind of idiot law is--?!
[The policeman sprays pepper in his face]
Duckman[talking with two psychiatrists after being committed to a mental asylum] Sue me, I'm colorful! Doesn't mean I belong in here, making potholders with the wackos. Besides, what gives you the right to judge other people, anyway?
The diploma. Judging people is pretty much the main benefit.
That and the license plates with "MD" on them! You can park almost anywhere!
DuckmanAnd when you think about it, isn't that exactly the point?!
[The psychiatrists look at each other in confusion]
DuckmanParking?
[Both psychiatrists smile and relax]
DuckmanAnd driving, and shopping, and eating, and working. Somewhere, somehow, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. [pauses] Ah, you never forget your senior prom... [suddenly louder] You think I'm sick? Well, the only disease I've got is modern life! A schnutbusting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, put-downs, trickle-downs, shutouts, freeze-outs, sellouts, numbnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like, say, if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it'll be over before it starts, 'cause some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback, and the cab is owned by some piñata spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big, all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete! And even with all this -- with ALL THIS -- I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway, 'cause some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas, and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult! So does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits?! And is it really any wonder that I seem DERANGED?!
[Silence; both psychiatrists are stunned and speechless]
Duckman[chuckles] That's probably nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Duckman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
