Eric T. Duckman quotes from Duckman

Duckman

What? Wha-What's going on?

Cornfed

I've reversed your electroshock. Lucky I sent away for that course in neurosurgery. Hey, if Sally Struthers is selling, I'm buying. You see, Duckman, I realized that it's the person who can cheerfully accept the madness of this world that is truly insane.

Duckman

You said a mouthful, old swine of mine. That hospital may have been a stinking hellhole, but the so-called normal world is really bad. So let's face it: the only answer, the only sane way to deal with any of this... is ruthless random acts of violence! Making sure they're all wiped out, the innocent and guilty alike, in a hail of gunfire! Cleft in twain by my mighty sword! Trampled into the dust and squashed like the stupid, tiny unsegmented insects they are! And--

Cornfed

[knocks him out with ether again] Of course, I may need to do a little fine-tuning.

Cornfed

Duckman, part of me believes you're judicious and mature enough to handle unlimited power. Of course, that same part of me believes that JFK shares a townhouse with Elvis and Jim Morrison on a small Mediterranean island.

Duckman

Esta usted une snobbo? If I thought, as you do, that government should be run only by competent and experienced and smart and reasonable people, I would never have voted for term limits! Besides, me having unlimited power, the blind adoration of millions, total control over the fate of an entire people - what could possibly go wrong?

Cornfed

[to the camera] For a complete list, send twelve dollars to Journal Graphics, Washington, DC, 20300.

Duckman

So, pot roast tonight?

Bernice

You peg-legged puke-meister! We've got to go after him before he does something horrible!

Duckman

He just proposed to you, I'm thinking "horrible" is behind him.

Duckman

Listen to me, Corny. I'm more than just your partner - I'm someone who owes you money, and instead of that money, I'm gonna give you some priceless advice: don't throw your life away for that walking hefty bag!

Cornfed

You've insulted the woman I love. In the centuries-old tradition of my family, I challenge you to a duel to the death.

Duckman

You never mentioned that tradition before.

Cornfed

Dad's making another tape...

Dr. Susan Fox

And you two are... what are you two again?

We're Mr. Duckman's assistants.

Bernice

Ha! They're just here so Duckman can take phoney-baloney tax write-offs.

Duckman

So?

Mambo

Dad, it's illegal.

Duckman

Used to be, Mambo, but thanks to right-wing religious nutballs, it's now a sacred duty to God and America to disobey whatever laws you don't agree with! Err, which reminds me - if any G-men come sniffing around, we don't have automatic weapons stockpiled in the basement, okay?

But we don't.

Duckman

Riiight...

Dr. Susan Fox

This is why I got into psychology - to find complex answers to people's real problems. Of course, then I found out where the big money was: making up problems and giving people easy answers to them. So I'm gonna forget this whole thing happened.

Duckman

I already have! Let's go, gang!

Stop! Stop the wedding!

Duckman

Sold, Sally! Too late! You should've... [gasps]

[gasp]

[gasp]

Duckman

Beatrice.

Bernice

Beatrice?!

King Chicken

Beatrice?!

Beatrice.

Who's Beatrice?

Duckman

My wife. Uh, my, uh, my first wife. I-I mean... [to Beatrice] You're alive.

Well, yeah. Sure I am. Didn't Cornfed ever tell you?

Cornfed

Uh... Duckman, I can explain.