Josh Nichols quotes from Drake &amp; Josh

[happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks] I love you guys.

[injured] Dude, you're crying.

Josh

[injured] He kicked me in the throat.

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[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask the viewers random questions]

(happily) Hello, what's your name?

Josh

(happily) Hi! Who are you?

What is your favorite thing to eat?

Josh

What games do you like to play?

DJDrake and Josh

(happily) Me, too!

Hey, do you like me?

Josh

Do you wanna be my friend? (Smiles creepily)

Aw, thank you!

Josh

(offended) What is that supposed to mean?

You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!

Josh

(outraged) What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go get your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!

A present? For me?

Josh

Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!

[holding a plate of cookies] A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!

Josh

I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --[offscreen boy spits in his eye]... did you just... you spit in my eye!

Mmm... these are my favorite!

Josh

Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh!

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I'm so mad!

Josh

Yes, I can tell by your violent banana-chewing.

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TThronton

[finds Maria and Drake kissing each other; enraged] MARIA!!!

MMaria

Thronton!

Josh

Free popcorn???

TThronton

What are you doing, Parker!?

Kissin' a girl, what are you doin'?

[Maria tries to explain]

TThronton

You were kissing my girlfriend!

Oh, ya know, that reminds me of a funny story-

TThronton

What's the matter with you!?

MMaria

I'm sorry! He's just an awesome kisser.

Josh

Ah, no, he's not, no, he's not! Thronton, you're way better! Kiss 'em, kiss 'em right now!

TThronton

Not a chance! We are over!

Aw, c'mon, Thronton!

TThronton

And you, you are uninvited to my birthday party!

Wha- Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I didn't know she was your girlfriend!

Josh

Yeah, he didn't know she was your girlfriend!

TThronton

You, too! Uninvited!

Josh

[sobs] AUGH! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area.

LLady

[taps Steve's shoulder] Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom?

I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!

Thornton

UNINVITED!!! [storms away]

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[Drake enters his and Josh's room]

Hey.

Josh

Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize?

Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized.

Josh

Well, perfect, and?

He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs.

Josh

[groans] I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything?

Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton.

Josh

I don't wanna get even. [whining] I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY!

Bro, Thornton hates us.

Josh

Well, let's make him love us again.

I tried.

Josh

Well, maybe we can... [notices Drake's autographed Beatles Abbey Road album] Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan?

Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. [hides it in his arms] Don't even think about it.

Josh

I'm telling you, if we give him that album--

Absolutely not.

Josh

I guarantee you he'll re-invite us.

Dude, I love this album more than I love myself.

Josh

Dude.

Okay, but I love this album a lot.

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[after giving Drake's Beatles album as a birthday present to Thornton, but being denied entry to his party, Drake glares at Josh]

Josh

Will you quit looking at me like that?!

No! I'm gonna continue looking at you like this for several more minutes. [Drake angrily widens his eyes and glares at Josh harder]

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[looks at his watch] It's time! [he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh] You ate my enchilada!

Josh

There was no note!

You ate my enchilada!

Josh

There was no note!

You ate my enchilada!

Josh

I thought we settled this!

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[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula] Walter, she's here.

Ooh. [walks before the front door]

Who's here?

Helen, with her grandmother.

[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]

Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. [Lula breaks the door in]

LLula

Where's the bathroom?!

Did you just break our door in?!

LLula

I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do?

Josh

Maybe ring the bell again.

LLula

[to Helen] Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? [Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]

What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny?

Helen

Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. [introduces everyone else] That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...[forgets who Walter is]

Walter!

And uh, what do we call you?

LLula

Lula. Where's the bathroom?

Right there through that door.

LLula

Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! [walks into bathroom and slams door]

Is she always so--?

Helen

Buh-bye! [goes away]

I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week.

She's not, she's staying in your room.

What?!

You're gonna stay in the boys' room.

DJDrake, Josh and Megan

What?!

Josh

This is an outrage!

Where are we gonna stay?

[to Drake and Josh] Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week.

Aw, this is horrible.

It's not that bad.

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[Alan Kirm plays his auto-tuned made version of Drake's song after tricking Josh into signing away creative rights, the boys are displeased]

What do you think?

Josh

Uh, well....

I hate it!

[stops the song playing] You hate it?

Yeah, that's not even my song. What'd you do to it?

Uh, we just had our best mixers and producers work on it 6 days straight. It's great.

Josh

But it's not the song you said you like.

Yeah, it is. It's just been improved.

No, it's been ruined!

Josh

Drake...

Look, don't "Drake" me! They can't do that to my song!

Sure, we can. We have a signed contract that gives us complete creative control.

Look, no, you don't! I didn't sign any contract.

Your manager did.

[turns to Josh, who realizes his mistake] You signed a contract?

Josh

[meekly, feeling bad and nervous] Uh...

We'll let you guys discuss this privately.

[Alan and the others leave the room, while an enraged Drake gives a nervous Josh a bitter look]

Josh

Don't be mad...

[furious] OH, I AM WAY PAST MAD!

Josh

I made a mistake.

How could you sign away creative control of my song?!

Josh

I was mesmerized by a giant shrimp!

You didn't read the contract, did you? How could you sign a contract without reading it?!

Josh

He said it was the standard stuff.

OH my god!

Josh

[stuttering] M-M-M-Maybe I can fix this, alright? I'll go talk to Alan as your manager.

No, you won't!

Josh

Look, maybe I could fix--

No, you're not my manager anymore, alright?! YOU'RE FIRED! I mean it!

[Without another word, Josh sadly leaves the room, while Drake sits down and sulks]

Man, I have a headache.

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[The boys sleep on the mattress; Drake wakes up to find himself hugging Josh's foot against his face. He yells, and Josh wakes up in alarm]

Josh

Why are you screaming?

'Cause there was a big, hairy foot in my face!

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[Drake arrives home]

Super Bowl's on.

I don't care.

Josh

Come on, the commercial's up in about 2 minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song.

It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof.

Josh

Why?

Because you're not there. [walks away]

Josh

Drake! [runs after Drake]

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Man, I don't understand. Why would they end up using my version of the song?

Josh

Like you said, bro. Sometimes, when people play dirty, you gotta play dirty back!

You put fruit flies in Alan Krim's car?

Josh

Better! I switched the CDs.

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Mindy

[yells; panicked after crazy Steve goes insane] Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk!

JHJosh & Helen

Crazy Steve!?

Mindy

WHO ELSE!?

Josh

But it's Monday, you can't schedule crazy Steve to work on a Monday!

Helen

Monday's his bad day!

Mindy

Well, no-one TOLD me that!

COCK-CA-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!!

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NMNick Mateo

Which 1 of you switched the song?

[feeling bad for being angry and mean to Josh, shares the blame] I did.

Josh

I did.

We both did! Okay?

Well, guess what. There's rules and laws about television broadcasting. We can turn you into the FCC for what you did!

NNick

Yup, you guys could be in a lot of trouble. [smiles] But you're not.

We're not?

They're not?

Josh

What are you?

NNick

In the last 24 hours, we've gotten over 30,000 emails and phone calls from fans wanting to buy your song. This morning, we made the song available on the Spin City Website. There were so many downloads, it crashed our server. Drake Parker, I think you're about to have yourself a #1 hit.

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[ending from The Amanda Show]

I want the shrimp.

Josh

I want it.

[snatches the shrimp] I want it!