Bren quotes from Dinnerladies

Bren

I thought you said he looked like Richard Madeley!

Jean

I meant Richard Whiteley!

Tony

So, you're not pregnant, then?

Bren

Not unless sperm can get through a sash window.

Dolly

Bob's sister, who usually keeps my present pretty much at bath cube level, has upgraded me to a cafetiere!

Bren

You mean you've opened it already?

Dolly

Well, how else do I know what price range I'm batting back against? I'd done her a germicidal hand cream, but no, actually, that's not wasted, I can divert that to the paper boy.

Bren

Tony didn't tear it. It was Martin.

Jean

Ooh, this gets better. Who's Martin? Should we have had a bet on him?

Bren

He's my-

Jean

Calor Gas man?

Dolly

Mother's boyfriend?

Philippa

Chiropodist?

Anita

Stick insect?

Bren

Husband.

Dolly

Bren, we can't toast baguettes on that, can we?

Bren

No, they get stuck.

Dolly

(to her customer) No, they get stuck, thank you! What a question!

Dolly

Will you moderate your language please at this very special time? And it would be nice if we could all perhaps spare a thought for the coming of our Lord.

Twinkle

Oh, not him again. We'll be back on Rag, Tag and flipping Bobtail in a minute! Can I just finish me coffee?

Philippa

Never mind your bloody coffee. Get in the bloody bloody bloody frigging car!

Dolly

Now that's enough!

Bren

Yeah that is enough, actually, Philippa. The traffic will be crawling along anyway, 5 minutes isn't going to make any difference, we've been working really hard as well, you know. Now I don't mind how many "bloody"s you pack into a car, two in the front, two in the back, and a "frigging" on the roof rack, but some people find it offensive.

Dolly

Thank you.

Anita

I don't like 'fart face'. Even after 9:00.

Bren

That's what it is. I wish I'd met you before.

Tony

Before I had chemo?

Bren

Before I married an alcoholic? I dunno. Twenty years ago? No, not twenty years ago, I had a perm!

Tony

Twenty years ago, I think I did!

Bren

Jean, I have to say it. Excuse me, Dolly, don't listen to this. Keith is an arsehole.

Jean

I know, but you con get used to that in a person.

Anita

Who's that?

Bren

That's Christine.

Anita

And what's that smell?

Bren

That's Christine as well.

Bren

(about the smell) Have a whiff of raw bacon, it takes the edge off it.

Twinkle

Who was it? Christine?

Bren

Yeah. Might be nerves.

Twinkle

Might be mushy peas!

Christine

You're quite shallow, aren't you Brenda. No offense meant!

Bren

No, but lots taken.

Anita

When our neighbour died, when the (she draws a box in mid air)

Twinkle

Coffin?

Anita

Went through the (mimes looking through curtains and draws them in mid air as well)

Jean

Curtains?

Anita

They played the theme music from Countdown!

Bren

Did it make you cry?

Anita

No, I never watch it!