Desperate Housewives quotes

We stopped off at this bar and I got bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares,right? I mean, who cares? It's a bar, and we all do it, right?

Lynette

Right.

So he tells me to watch my mouth, and I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes tryin' to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore- We done.

Lynette

Ok, whoa, whoa. Take a deep breath. You don't break up with a guy because in a weak moment he call you a whore.

And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me.

Lynette

Ok, but he didn't, and until he...

Oh, jeez, Lynette. Whose side are you on?

Lynette

I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple.

[crying] I know.

Lynette

I just.... You don't wanna throw that all away cause of a little fight with no hitting.

No. It's over.

Lynette Scavo

Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hour.

No I don't, I quit.

Lynette Scavo

What?

I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.

Lynette Scavo

Well Daddy should've checked with Mommy so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing!

But Mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me!

Lynette Scavo

It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along without their back-up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice.

[disgruntled] Ohh!

Orson

Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of!

Edie Britt

Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little Miss Adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt, well, that's just gravy.

Andrew Van De Kamp

She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she might jump off the porch.

Susan

How do you sleep at night?

Edie

Soon... with Mike on top of me

Edie

Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.

A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!

Edie

Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

Mary Alice

You can't.

Lynette

Why not?

Mary Alice

Sweetie, we can't prevent what we can't predict.

Lynette

Isn't there anything I could do?

Mary Alice

Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them.

Lynette

Who cares?! We all have pain, every one of us has pain but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!

She deserved it!

Lynette

Well, maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

How long will Daddy be gone?

Lynette Scavo

Well, that sorta depends on Daddy.

Are you two mad at each other?

Lynette Scavo

Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.

Why can't he take a time-out in his room?

Lynette Scavo

Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.

No fair, that sounds fun!

Lynette Scavo

Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.

What's petulant?

Lynette Scavo

It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futures.

Huh?

Lynette Scavo

It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!

[Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?

Gabrielle

[as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.

Wise choice. [Reading from her clipboard] For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...[Pronounces it "vo-gew"]

Gabrielle

[Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, sweetheart.

Really? Are you sure?

Gabrielle

I should know. I was on the front cover.

[Stunned] No. Way.

Gabrielle

Uh, way.

Mary Alice

The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance. Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night.

Ian

While you're in a good mood, I thought I'd spring something on you. My parents are coming to town.

Susan

Your parents? Really?

Ian

And I wondered if you might be free to join us for dinner Saturday.

Susan

Absolutely. So I assume this means they know about me?

Ian

But of course.

Susan

And they know about me as in (in a bad English accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."

Ian

That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them.

Susan

Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?

Ian

I just assumed that you were lazy.

Susan

I wish. My cooking is not good.

Ian

Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal.

Susan

Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?

Ian

Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropriate to go with it.

Susan

Right...like an ambulance.