Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.
She was the poster model for St. Peter Girl beer.
AAAshley-Amber
[from memory] "I'll cure what 'ales' you." [giggles]
It's hard to believe she's real.
Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad.
He's not the Maytag repairman, is he?
[Daria and Brittany enter Steve Taylor's study]
Dad, this is my classmate, Daria.
SSteve
Hey, Daria. Steve Taylor. Always glad to meet one of Britt's friends. [shakes hands with Daria] You like cosmetics? I'll get you into a focus group. The pay is a joke but there's free lip gloss out the ying yang. Good stuff, too. They try it on cats first. You meet my wife? Boy, was she a knockout when she was young.
[Brian runs through hall, laughing]
SSteve
That's my Pebble Beach hat, you little turd! Gerald Ford sold me that hat!
[Brittany and Steve run after Brian]
Cool thoughts... a river running to the ocean... far from here...
CCupid
[knocks on the window] So, you'll help us, right?
Why not? I'm obviously having some kind of nervous breakdown. I'll just ride it out and see where it takes me, Zelda Fitzgerald-style.
Daria, something's wrong with Mom and Dad. Daria, who are you talking to?
Uh...my imaginary friend?
[from her room] Okay, I'll come back.
SPSt. Patrick's Day
The girl mustn't know about us!
Right, because you can't be seen by other mortals.
SPSt. Patrick's Day
No! It'd be having to talk to the little twit that'd drive us crazy!
CCupid
You know, you're getting kind of heavy...
SPSt. Patrick's Day
Shut up, you bloody...IDIOT!
[Cupid drops St. Patrick's Day with a loud thud]
My imaginary friend fell down.
God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.
You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately.
It has been nice. Very nice.
[feels upset] Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore!
We can't have another kid, Helen!
Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way.
[Helen and Jake begin to argue]
[comes in] Hey, what's going on?
[angrily] Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery! [leaves angrily]
Oh, oh, and you want to blame me!
Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone!
Hi, guys. [guys greet Quinn eagerly] I was wondering if you could do me a teensy-weensy favor.
GGuys
I can do it. No problem!
Great! I need help planning the dance.
JJeffy
[clears throat] Quinn, we'd like to help but, uh, you know... we're guys.
Gee, I hope everyone here isn't too busy to come to the party I'm having while my parents are out of town.
GGuys
[cheering] Yeah, we're there!
Quinn, I just want to say that I'm really sorry about our fight. I don't even care who was at fault. I just hope you're not still mad.
I could never stay mad at you, Sandi.
Good. So you'll be at my party next Saturday. I mean, it wouldn't be the same without you, Quinn.
GGuys
[chanting] Saturday, Saturday, Saturday!
Saturday? But that's the same night as the dance.
GGuys
[chanting] Dance, dance, dance!
You're kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that's too, too bad. I mean, I can't un-order all that free pizza.
Well, I can't un-order, um, the free soda and tacos I was going to order.
Outdoor turbo-jet hot tub.
Preferred seating for the popular.
SQSandi and Quinn
[to guys] Well?!!
Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.
But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
So, we're more or less even on the night.
Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
[snow begins to fall]
[pounds on door] Come on, you little punk, open up! Open this door, you little brat!
Oh, my God, let us in! Hello?
[Stacy whimpers]
VVal
So I said, "This is Val talking, not just some ordinary teen loser from Loserville."
VVal
Anyway, I am through with famous guys. I'm sticking with fashion designers and studio heads, at least for the time being.
VVal
Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter -- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."
VVal
Wow, you are so existential. But didn't you write down anything I said? [phone rings] Hang on. [into phone] You got Val, go. How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so wack -- I am their demographic. They wouldn't know edgy if it bit them in the butt. Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial for tomorrow, would you? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Thanks for saving my life, helpmate. [hangs up] I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think?
VVal
Sorry about all those phone calls.
Oh, I just think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't everyday your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.
VVal
I was NOT dumped! And I am much more famous than that pathetic, B-list, pseudo celebrity! Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.
Except the adults making a nice fat living off of it.
What do YOU mean? What do you mean, pushing yourself as some kind of role-model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self images even worse?
VVal
Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.
Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without? Your readers aren't going to be teenagers forever, unlike you. A real role model would be teaching them stuff they can use.
VVal
30-something?! You know, I came here to do an article on a smart girl who's cool, because smart is cool. But cool is cool, too, and smart that doesn't get cool isn't so smart, is it? You can forget about New York, Daria. You know, deep down you're nothing but a... a...
VVal
You almost made me say it! [leaves, then sticks head back in] I don't really look like I'm 30-something, do I?
You're that girl from Quinn's house.
Are you getting counseling, too?
[trance-like] I'm the counselor. It's volunteer work... to help the socially... challenged.
You're going to counsel me? Of course. It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic. Okay. Is this going to take long?
[begins reading very slowly] "You... too... can learn to... make..."
"... friends. Making... friends..."
Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here before we graduate.
"Making friends... is..."
[taps foot impatiently] Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
"... important. Friends can be... very..."
[clock ticks from 3:00 to 3:01]
Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?!
You made me lose my place. [grunts softly in frustration] Let's see... "Making friends... is... important..."
Mrs. Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend.
Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.
No, no. I'm looking for Daria.
[split-screen between Jane and Helen]
Daria? Why are you calling here?
She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating her at work.
They probably haven't let her off yet. I bet she's still in the back room, bagging nuts.
What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills there?
Yeah, that's the thing. She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and the most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter.
What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts. [groans in frustration]
Jane, since you're staying with us and all I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...
Maximum of 3 questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.
Nope. Unless you count TV.
Sex? Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?
Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's best friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering...
Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route.
Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?
[into phone] Well, actually, Eric, would you mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow? Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine. It's just that my family was just... no. Yes, sure, of course. Not at all. Anytime -- never!
Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls?
If I recall correctly, Taco Thursday was pretty similar.
I was on the radio today. Bing and the Spatula Man invited the Fashion Club to critique the outfits of some less stylish students.
Marconi would be so proud.
That Spatula Man is funny!
As are most men named for kitchen utensils.
Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! [taunting] Mom's going to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole...
Enough with the guacamole! [into phone] No, not you, Eric!
I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese!
[starts blushing and sweating] "What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into...hey, you know, it's the darndest thing! I can't feel my arm! [starts wheezing]
Blurk! [passes out in the guacamole]
[picks his head up from the bowl] Mom's...gonna miss...the guacamole... [passes out again]
[turns around, drops phone] Jakey!
[shrieks] The bats of death! They've come for me!
Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.
Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from now on.
There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking.
Assuming he's on any medication.
This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family.
And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!
Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.
That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there anything we can get for you?
Yipe! [EKG machine beeps] I want my mommy.
[Daria struggles to drive on a busy freeway]
No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.
How would you know? [a tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her] Dah! A giant truck!
[Daria pulls over and Quinn starts to drive]
I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?
God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?
It's all about attitude. You're too timid, Daria. I could do this all day.
Actually, I wouldn't mind if...
Your turn. [pulls car over]
But you just started. [sees hitchhiker approaching] No way! We are not picking up some insane, murdering serial killer. How reckless can you get?
He's not a killer. I recognize him. It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis.
Mom and Dad would crucify us.
[sarcastically] Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.
You mean, I'm an accessory?
Whatever. Look, lighten up. You drive and I'll keep him from murdering us.
TTravis
Howdy! I sure do appreciate this.
You're not going to murder us, are you?
See? All you have to do is ask.
TTravis
Well, that ornery bull caught sight of my red shirt and that was about it. He must have chased me around that pasture ten times before I could climb over the fence.
Wow, Travis, what a great story!
Yeah. It was just as good as the first time I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie.
TTravis
Heck, Dareeah, we could go find that bull right now. The pasture's only 20 miles away.
We have to get to Fremont and bail out the band.
Come on, Daria. Stop being timid.
TTravis
Band? Hey, what a coincidence! I'm a musician, too.
Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty.
Play us something, Travis.
TTravis
Do you like country music?
It's practically the only music I can listen to.
Shut up, Shorty. Go ahead and play us something, Travis.
TTravis
Here's a little tune from Mr. Conway Twitty. Hope you like it. [plucks guitar]
