Daria quotes

Jake

Have you seen this pamphlet? [hands Daria a pamphlet]

Daria

"Is Your Teenager Using Drugs? Ten Warning Signs." Yes...yes...no...maybe...sometimes...hmm, about three times a week...and not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean.

Quinn

What?

Daria

Although you might want to check her pupils.

Jake

[laughs nervously] I, uh, was thinking more about you, Daria.

Daria

Oh, then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sneak around, spying on me and looking through my sock drawer. [doorbell rings, Daria leaves]

Jake

Oh. Kiddo, which one is your sock drawer?

Quinn

I can show you, Daddy.

Helen

Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?

Jake

No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drugs.

Helen

No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?

Jake

But I...

Quinn

Hi, Daria.

Daria

Hi, Quinn.

Helen

If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.

Daria

You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.

Helen

I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? [leaves] Nurse... nurse... nurse!

Jake

You said I could have a root beer.

You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending 20 long-suffering years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be better off without him. Much better off.

Jane

Much, much better off.

Daria

And she's the living proof.

Jane

Should we get our fortunes read?

Daria

I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough.

Jane

Then how about a Ferris wheel ride?

Daria

Do I look desperate to you?

Crusades! Crusades!

Upchuck

Ladies...wait till you hear "The Ballad of the Misunderstood Minstrel."

Daria

Do I look desperate to you now?

Jane

Yep.

Daria

Let's go.

Stacy

[sobs] But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore? Oh, I wish I were dead.

Daria

Look, don't flush your entire world down the drain just because some jerk didn't ask you out on a second date. It probably had nothing to do with you anyway.

Jane

Unless you did something really stupid, like bore him with your petty problems and convoluted logic.

Stacy

Why would I do that?

Miss Lane, what are you doing here?

Jane

Trying out for track team.

You won't participate in regular gym class, but you want to join an extracurricular sport?

Jane

I like to run.

Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. [leaves]

Jane

I'd particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes.

She isn't your favorite teacher?

Jane

We have a score to settle.

I'm Evan, by the way.

Jane

Jane.

So, you think you're ready for track?

Jane

Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones.

I'm way ahead of you.

Jane

Until we get out there.

Jane

Tell me that at least I have my integrity.

Daria

Integrity is a funny word.

Jane

Well, then, at least tell me I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks.

Daria

You refused to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exchanged for athletic performance. But you didn't try to reform the system, either.

Jane

For fear of complete teenage exile.

Daria

Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway.

Jane

Come on, now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture.

Daria

You know what?

Jane

What?

Daria

They really are preparing us for the real world.

Daria

I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.

Jane

You didn't take the ring out?

Daria

Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane

I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous.

Daria

Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my navel while I slept.

Jane

Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.

Daria

Don't tell Trent.

Jane

About E.T.?

Jake

[angrily] We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now!

Daria

What are you talking about?

Helen

Out with it!

Daria

[shows her navel] Do you have a problem with innies?

Helen

Quinn, what's the matter with you?

Jake

Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?

Quinn

But... but it was there yesterday!

Daria

Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? [yawns] Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. [heads upstairs]

Quinn

She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...

Daria

Shouldn't we comfort her or something?

Jake

[laughs] Oh, let her go.

Helen

She'll get over it.

Daria

We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.

Jake

Hmm... you may be right.

Helen

That can't be good.

Quinn

Ow! God!

Mom... you know I'm not ready for kids. The whole idea makes me uneasy and I'm not sure why.

Give me that!

No, it's mine!

Mommy!

Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

Hi. [to her kids] You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. [kids scamper into living room] Boy, I'm exhausted.

Breast implants for chickens-

Not that!

Trent

[answering the phone] Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers.

Jake

Gah! Aah! I am the Morgendorffers!

Helen

[takes the phone from Jake] Calm down, Jake! Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls?...Are your parents there?...Are they in town at all?...Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane?...Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer...Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! [hangs up] Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?

Daria

My parents are probably starting to worry.

Jane

I know mine would be, if they were in town.

Daria

What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.

Jane

I'll bet he's snoring.

Hello?

Daria

Aunt Amy?

Hey, my favorite niece.

Daria

Oh!

Who is this?

Daria

Um, it's...

I'm joking, Daria. How are you? Your mother hasn't had a stroke, has she?

Daria

Well, I haven't checked her in the last half hour. How was Hawaii?

Wish I were still there. What can I do for you?

Daria

Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking of getting contact lenses.

Uh-huh. Sounds good.

Daria

It does?

Why not?

Daria

Well, isn't it kind of... vain?

Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria?

Daria

Yeah.

Do you look in them before you go out?

Daria

Yeah.

Well then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the lenses. You'll see the brimstone better.

Daria

What do you mean?

I mean, having contacts is no more vain than primping in the mirror. It just gives you different options about the way you look. It wouldn't change your personality, it wouldn't change your values, and it would set your parents back a couple hundred bucks. So, I don't see any downside at all.

Daria

Thanks, Aunt Amy.

I'd love to see how it turns out. Send me a picture, okay?

Daria

You want a picture of me with my contacts?

Either that or a shot of Ralph Fiennes. Whichever.

Jane

So now what, eagle eye?

Daria

Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.

Jane

Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.

Daria

I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.

Jane

Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?

Daria

That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.

Jane

Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?

Daria

This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...

Jane

Yeah?

Daria

I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'

Jane

You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?

Daria

No.

Jane

And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.

Daria

Um, yeah.

Jane

I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?

Daria

Yeah.

Jane

That's why I'm proud to be your friend.

"As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her... bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produce before." Oh!

What a pretty voice she has. Do you think?

Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.

I always did have a lovely voice.

Thanks!

And I looked just like you, dearie.

Eep!

Kevin

Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.

Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.

Kevin

Yeah. No.

Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off.

What a pretty girl...

Daria

[upbeat] Oh.

... that Brittany is.

Daria

[dejected] Oh.

Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mind. Let's hear what you brought to read.

Daria

I hope you like poetry.

Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.

Daria

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." [time passes] "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"

Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?

Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!