Emma quotes from Corner Gas

Oscar

That dumb cat is stuck up our tree again! Something must have scared it.

Emma

Maybe you shooting at it.

Oscar

Dumb animal, driving me crazy.

Emma

So? I don't shoot you.

Oscar

Here.

Emma

What's this?

Oscar

The shelf you asked for, for your recipe books. It took me a while.

Emma

When did I ask for a shelf? Wait. I asked for this when Brent was a kid.

Oscar

Like I say, it took a while.

Emma

What are you building next, that change table for the nursery?

Oscar

I'm gettin' to it.

Emma

Why do you clutter up the house with junk?

Oscar

It's a hobby.

Emma

Get a new hobby.

Oscar

Fine. I'll go for a walk somewhere I'm appreciated.

Emma

That'll be a long walk.

Emma

Wanda, why don't you call? You have such a beautiful voice.

Wanda

Really? At Karaoke Night, you threw a shoe at me.

Emma

My feet were tired.

Brent

A broken pipe?

Emma

I dunno how it happened.

Oscar

[trying to fix the broken pipe] Probably his fault, all those damn showers he took when he was a kid.

Brent

Well, can't Dad fix it?

Emma

What do you think?

Emma

I need Oscar around the house. His weirdness keeps me sane.

Wanda

You and me are very different people.

Oscar

You gotta stop living in the past.

Emma

Does that mean we can finally get a digital clock?

Oscar

Sure, if you want to blow 800 bucks.

Emma

Idiot.

Oscar

Canada has more Ukrainians than any other country except one. Can you guess which one?

Emma

The Ukraine?

Oscar

Yeah, it's the Ukraine!

Emma

People who use these plates usually have something wrong with them—more wrong with them.

Oscar

Who cares? Now we can park close to things.

Emma

Where are we, Manhattan? We always park close to things.

Oscar

Gotta think ahead.

Emma

Try thinking period.

Oscar

That crazy old bird next door has trolls!

Emma

What do you mean, trolls?

Oscar

There's trolls on her lawn, first it was that stupid flamingo and then the frog with the butterfly in its mouth!

Emma

Oh, the lawn ornaments! I thought you meant she was possessed or something.

Oscar

They're all over the place! Swans and donkeys and castles and gnomes, and now trolls! It's like a stupid circus!

Emma

Gnomes and trolls, that'd be a good circus.

Oscar

Why can't we have normal neighbours?

Emma

Cuz you always frighten them away.

Oscar

I'm gonna have to do something about this.

Emma

Promise me it'll be something stupid.

Oscar

You sure told that wingnut a thing or two.

Emma

I don't appreciate being called a thief.

Oscar

She called me a thief too.

Emma

You are a thief. If she just called you a thief, she and I would be having tea right now.

Emma

[comes into the room] Where did I leave my sandwich? Oh there it is.

Oscar

That's your sandwich?

Emma

Yeah, I left it there when I went to get my milk. You didn't think Gnome Oscar made himself a sandwich, did you?

Oscar

Don't be ridiculous, and don't call it Gnome Oscar.

Emma

I don't know why we can't hire somebody to fix the roof.

Oscar

I can do it myself. It's just a roof, not rocket surgery.

Emma

Well at least get somebody to help who knows what he's doing, instead of dorkus (referring to Davis).

Davis

[wearing kneepads on his hands] Hey these kneepads are like hats for little elves.

Emma

When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important

Lacey

Mistletoe.

Brent

Hey, is that fake or real? Cause if that's real, it's probably my mom's.

Lacey

I better take it down.

Brent

Here, I'll get that.

Lacey

Are you sure?

Lacey

Brent, be careful.

Brent

I got it.

Emma

Same damn thing every year.

Emma

This one's broken. [referring to a toy that's in a community donation box]

Wanda

Let's sing Christmas carols.

Lacey

Who would give a broken toy to a needy child?

Karen

You mean a cheap child.

Oscar

It's one of those motor goats; his head's come off. [chuckles]

Wanda

I think if you look in the neck hole, you'll see there's a twenty in there.

Wanda

[singing] Joy to the world, the Lord has come …

Brent

[to Lacey] I can see what you mean about the weird stuff reminding you.

Emma

That is a big jar.

Brent

Yeah, it's hard to believe it was once filled with pickled eggs.

Brent

Oh right. Like you two have never made a rash decision at a bulk food store.

Emma

So how many are there?

Karen

What? Jelly beans?

Emma

No, jars.

Karen

Well, there's only one.

Brent

Well, you two are off to a good start. I'll let you count these beans.