Emma quotes from Corner Gas

Emma

There are people starving in Afri...China.

Hank

Oh yeah, well, I got two words for ya. Boycott! I'm gonna put this place outta business.

Brent

Hank if you had the power to put companies outta business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?

Wanda

Yeah and deodorant?

Emma

Clean underwear.

Brent

Books.

Wanda

Pants that fit.

Emma

Nail clippers.

Brent

Dandruff shampoo.

Wanda

Uummm...dental floss.

Emma

Toilet paper.

Oscar

Pickup trucks.

Emma

[groans]

Brent

You don't know what we're doing, do you, Dad?

Oscar

Shut up.

Oscar

Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime.

Marvin Drey the Taxman

We did call.

Oscar

You did not!

Oscar

What'd you call me on the phone for?! My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime!

Emma

Who was that?

Oscar

I don't know, some jackass.

Emma

A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.

Brent

You're like Yoda.

Emma

I don't know what that means.

Oscar

Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?

Emma

Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty. [holds up spoon]

Oscar

Really? [Oscar snatches the spoon and cleans it]

Oscar

I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me.

Emma

A crush...on you? You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.

Oscar

What the hell are you talking about? Dogs lick me all the time.

Emma

So who's got a crush on you? Is Helen Keller back in town?

Emma

You're going to the doctor.

Oscar

Over my dead body!

Emma

That'd speed things up.

Emma

You're going to the doctor, Oscar, and that's the end of it.

Brent

Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about?

Emma

Your father won't see a doctor.

Oscar

He's just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I know it. They get you there so they can touch you all over the place.

Brent

[sarcastically] Yeah, that's why most people go to med school: so they can feel up old men. [to Emma] You know, legally.

Oscar

Plumbers in lab coats.

Emma

You love plumbers.

Oscar

There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So what are they gonna tell me? The best-case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man.

Brent

Dad--

Oscar

He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead.

Brent

You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're going to be around for a long time.

Oscar

How can you be so sure?

Brent

Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.

Oscar

A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's gonna get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it--

Brent

[disgusted] Dad!

Emma

What's he talking about?

Brent

Viagra.

Emma

Oh, for pete's sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask.

Brent

Agh, Mom!

Emma

Well, Carl Jung says that we all have a shadow figure, a...a kind of nemesis. In fact I actually found mine.

Brent

What'd you do?

Emma

I married him.

Brent

Jeez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crowsnest?

Oscar

Ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer

Not the Belgium I've been to.

Brent

I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?

Emma

Brent!

Lacey

You know what, I-I can't, I'm driving.

Brent

Honest to God, Dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.

Emma

Hey Brent. Where do you keep the canned pasta?

Oscar

Not canned pasta, Alphaghetti! Her memory's going.

Emma

I remember. You want Alphaghetti.

Oscar

If you remember, then why did you bring home Dinoghetti?

Emma

What difference does it make?

Oscar

You can't spell with dinosaurs!

Brent

The Alphaghetti's over by the-

Oscar

I know where it is! I'm still playing with a full deck.

Emma

I don't know why you insist on Alphaghetti, you won't even eat the Es.

Oscar

Oh! Everyone knows you don't eat the Es!

Emma

Then why are they in there?

Oscar

Because they're in the alphabet. You'd know this, if your memory wasn't going.

Emma

Come on Oscar. Let's go home, I'll make you some Alphaghetti.

Oscar

I want the kind with dinosaurs!

Emma

Did you turn it off?

Oscar

Yes I turned it off.

Emma

I think it's having a seizure.

Oscar

It's okay, the carb's just sucking on the fuel pump.

Emma

I feel like we should shoot it.

Oscar

I'll remember that when you start coughing.

Emma

If I ever make sounds like this, I'll welcome the bullet.

Emma

Your father's done a lot of stupid things in his time...

Brent

You just realize that?

Emma

...But he's never stolen from me.

Emma

First of all I'd like to thank Davis. I don't know how you managed all this with the money we gave you. You'd think he spent half of next years police budget on our wedding.

Davis

Haha heh heh heh ha.

Davis

I feel strange. I smell burning toast

Oscar

Oh, now the big guy's gonna have a seizure. Wait I smell it too.

Emma

Damn thing.

Davis

Do you know what this means.

Oscar

I caught your epilepsy.