Oscar quotes from Corner Gas

Oscar

Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime.

Marvin Drey the Taxman

We did call.

Oscar

You did not!

Oscar

What'd you call me on the phone for?! My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime!

Emma

Who was that?

Oscar

I don't know, some jackass.

Oscar

Here you go, jackass. Read 'em and weep!

Marvin Drey the Taxman

Jackass?

Brent

It's not just you. Remember the butterfly.

Hank

Plan 'B'.

Oscar

What the hell are you doing?! Those are the real papers! Jackass!

Brent

See? It's not just you.

Oscar

Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?

Emma

Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty. [holds up spoon]

Oscar

Really? [Oscar snatches the spoon and cleans it]

Oscar

I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me.

Emma

A crush...on you? You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.

Oscar

What the hell are you talking about? Dogs lick me all the time.

Emma

So who's got a crush on you? Is Helen Keller back in town?

Emma

You're going to the doctor.

Oscar

Over my dead body!

Emma

That'd speed things up.

Emma

You're going to the doctor, Oscar, and that's the end of it.

Brent

Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about?

Emma

Your father won't see a doctor.

Oscar

He's just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I know it. They get you there so they can touch you all over the place.

Brent

[sarcastically] Yeah, that's why most people go to med school: so they can feel up old men. [to Emma] You know, legally.

Oscar

Plumbers in lab coats.

Emma

You love plumbers.

Oscar

There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So what are they gonna tell me? The best-case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man.

Brent

Dad--

Oscar

He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead.

Brent

You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're going to be around for a long time.

Oscar

How can you be so sure?

Brent

Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.

Oscar

A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's gonna get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it--

Brent

[disgusted] Dad!

Emma

What's he talking about?

Brent

Viagra.

Emma

Oh, for pete's sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask.

Brent

Agh, Mom!

When your father ran the place, the customer was always respected.

Oscar

Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wingnut and come pump my gas!

Brent

Well, he's a people person.

Wanda

If anyone wants to give Oscar $1.20 to shut up about the bottle thing, he's in the corner.

Oscar

I'm a senior!

Brent

Jeez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crowsnest?

Oscar

Ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer

Not the Belgium I've been to.

Brent

I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?

Emma

Brent!

Lacey

You know what, I-I can't, I'm driving.

Brent

Honest to God, Dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.

Emma

Hey Brent. Where do you keep the canned pasta?

Oscar

Not canned pasta, Alphaghetti! Her memory's going.

Emma

I remember. You want Alphaghetti.

Oscar

If you remember, then why did you bring home Dinoghetti?

Emma

What difference does it make?

Oscar

You can't spell with dinosaurs!

Brent

The Alphaghetti's over by the-

Oscar

I know where it is! I'm still playing with a full deck.

Emma

I don't know why you insist on Alphaghetti, you won't even eat the Es.

Oscar

Oh! Everyone knows you don't eat the Es!

Emma

Then why are they in there?

Oscar

Because they're in the alphabet. You'd know this, if your memory wasn't going.

Emma

Come on Oscar. Let's go home, I'll make you some Alphaghetti.

Oscar

I want the kind with dinosaurs!

Davis

Uh … I came to use your skate sharpener.

Oscar

Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.

Davis

I heard we almost lost Brent.

Oscar

What do you mean?

Davis

The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.

Oscar

They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?

Karen

That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?

Emma

Did you turn it off?

Oscar

Yes I turned it off.

Emma

I think it's having a seizure.

Oscar

It's okay, the carb's just sucking on the fuel pump.

Emma

I feel like we should shoot it.

Oscar

I'll remember that when you start coughing.

Emma

If I ever make sounds like this, I'll welcome the bullet.

Hank

Hey Oscar, does your friend Russell like to lie on the kitchen floor with a phone in his hand?

Oscar

No.

Hank

Then either this guy ain't Russell, or your friend Russell's dead.

Oscar

Told ya he was here.

Oscar

How'd you lose your sense of smell in the first place?

Davis

I got hit in the face with a ball.

Oscar

Then what you need to do is get hit with a ball again.

Davis

I don't think that'll work.

Oscar

Why not?

Davis

Because this isn't Gilligan's Island.

Davis

I feel strange. I smell burning toast

Oscar

Oh, now the big guy's gonna have a seizure. Wait I smell it too.

Emma

Damn thing.

Davis

Do you know what this means.

Oscar

I caught your epilepsy.