Cheers quotes

Rebecca

Frasier, listen: I know Lilith coming back changes everything, so I'm just gonna step out of the picture, and there's no hard feelings.

Frasier

[completely oblivious to all she's saying] That bitch! Thinks she can waltz back into my life and start calling the shots!

Rebecca

I know what we almost had was very special, but we have a very special friendship too, so I think we should just leave it at that.

Rebecca

I think we should just focus here, because, you know Frasier, I'm trying to be very gentle, because I wanna let you down easily, I don't wanna break your heart...

Frasier

[mimicking Lilith, still ignoring Rebecca] "I spent three days on a bus! Wah, wah wah!" Well cry me a river, bunhead!

Rebecca

[finally losing patience] FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!? I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!

Sam

All we need is – uh, what – a little winning attitude, right? A little positivity. [to the Irish band] Hey, fellas, do me a favor. Play us a little something to get us in the mood.

[singing] "They broke into our Dublin home, the dirty English dogs. They took away my sister and they beat my Da with logs. Limey scum, limey scum, I toss a bomb and still they come." Everybody! "Limey scum, limey scum..."

Sam

That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.

Woody

I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

Paul

How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?

Norm

Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.

Cliff

You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.

Norm

Exhilarating?

Cliff

I meant humiliating.

Carla

Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.

Sam

Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.

Carla

Look, Sammy.

Sam

What?

Carla

No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?

Ditto for me, too, Sam.

Sam

Oh, no no... [he leaves]

Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm... by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin - I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.

Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because... if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work. The way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called AMERICA.

Frasier

But he didn't SAY anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep.

Woody

Wow, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.

Frasier

Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten-percent of the vote.

Woody

Ho ho. Two Hanover things in one day!

[interviewing candidate Woody] So what you're saying is there are no easy answers.

Woody

Well, not for me there aren't.

Frasier

[after a night of drinking Carla's special drinks] Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?

Woody

Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. Very simple: first, put on your pajamas; then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water; and then, you vomit 'til your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the mornin', you feel brand new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?

Norm

Okay, okay, but only two.

Norm

Okay, Cliff, you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt.

Cliff

It's a big American flag there, Norm. With the motto: "God Bless The U.S. Post Office."

Cliff

What's mine say?

Norm

"I Love Vera."

Sam

Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?

Cliff

Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!

Norm

Fighting with ma, huh?

Cliff

Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.

Sam

I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.

Cliff

Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...

Frasier

[interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

Sam

[on the phone with Rebecca] I'll be over as soon as I can. [hangs up] Shoot.

Woody

Who was that?

Sam

Ah, it's Rebecca; she's all upset. Your father-in-law invited her over to his place to listen to music tonight. She thought she was supposed to be his date; got all dressed up in a fancy dress. Turns out she's only there to tend bar.

Woody

How could she make that mistake?

Sam

Oh, come on, Woody. Put yourself in her position: you know, attractive guy asks you over to his place to listen to some music, wants you to wear a fancy dress... you'd go wouldn't you?

Woody

Oh, no. No, my high school drama teacher tried that one on me. "Once bitten, twice shy," my friend.

Rebecca

Do you know what I am. I'm a phony. I'm a great big phony. Pretending like I liked Mahler just so some rich guy would ask me out. I don't even know his first name.

Woody

Gustav. Gustav Mahler.

[about the retirement home] Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?

Cliff

Oh, yeah, Ma. Don't worry. Your insurance policies will cover it.

Oh, that's convenient. You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.

Cliff

These are your golden years.

Oh, bless your heart. You've given me what every mother dreams of: a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers.

Sam

The woman I choose is gonna feel very special. You know, like when a great chef picks the perfect pork chop.

Frasier

[sarcastically] That's beautiful, Sam.