Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Sam

[Frasier] left here pretty angry. I keep calling the house. The machine keeps picking up.

Carla

Oh, Lilith answers?

Carla

Fools, non believers, can't you see what the evil [foosball table] has done? You're trapped. You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.

Cliff

We always do that.

Carla

Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.

Norm

That is kind of eerie.

Sam

Guys listen up for a second please. When Rebecca comes in she's probably not going to be feeling too good so just take it easy on her. All right?

Norm

What's the problem, Sam?

Sam

She called off the whole wedding.

Carla

Get out.

Sam

I went over there last night. She was a real mess. She was clear about one thing. She doesn't love [Robin] and there's no way she's gonna marry him.

Norm

Yeah Sam, she's in agony.

Lilith

Ordinarily Sam, people don't deal with depression by putting on a wedding dress and acting giddy.

Carla

Except maybe Clavin.

Lilith

Ah Frasier, here you are. Where are the dysfunctional men?

Carla

Throw a rock.

Carla

Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.

John Hill

Tell me Carla, clinically speaking are you considered a dwarf or a midget?

Carla

Say is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?

John Hill

Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. The gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.

Carla

You know two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.

John Hill

Shrike.

Carla

Bullet head.

John Hill

Slattern.

Carla

Hatchet face.

John Hill

Well must be off. Till next month then.

Carla

He's good people.

Carla

Hey guys did I miss anything?

Norm

Sam hasn't started yet. Where've you been?

Carla

I've been visiting the other team. Ran into somebody I used to get hot and sweaty with.

Norm

Who's that?

Carla

The other team.

Sam

Say Carla, I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?

Carla

Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby stick a bottle in their mouth.

Sam

Great, okay, good.

Okay I'm ready.

Carla

Here's everything you need to know about customers. Remember you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip. And if they start to act crabby, just stick a bottle in their mouths.

Sam

Do you think guys have a biological clock? You know like they know it's time to have a kid.

Carla

Oh yeah. Usually when they say, "Hey Carla, you want to go out tonight?"

Carla

Sam, I'm gonna read your mind. Okay, think of something.

Sam

Right now?

Carla

Yeah.

Sam

Okay.

Carla

You're thinkin' about your car.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

You're thinkin' about some babe.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

Wait a minute. Give me a minute. I can do this. Just give me a chance. You're thinkin' about your hair.

Sam

Nope.

Carla

Come on, Sam. That's everything you ever think about.

Rebecca

Carla, do you think I'll make a good mother?

Carla

Nope.

Rebecca

What do you mean?

Carla

You asked me a question. I gave you an answer.

Rebecca

But I'm serious.

Carla

Sorry I'm just being honest.

Rebecca

You're not being honest. You're being mean.

Carla

Sometimes you get a twofer.

Lilith

Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.

Rebecca

Are you going to get your hair done for that?

Lilith

Why on earth should I?

Carla

Well at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean if that baby goes, we are dead!

Lilith

That hardly seems just, coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

Carla

What are you doing down here, Hill? Hair Club for Men meeting?

John Hill

Oh I didn't see you down there Miss Tortelli. Although frankly, [sniffs] you do announce your presence.

Carla

So have you decided what color you're going to dye your head for Easter?

John Hill

Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam?

Carla

[Yelling in Mr. Hill's face] SAM! HILL'S HERE!

Carla

You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?

Sam

Yeah right.

Carla

How many cards do you get on Father's Day?

Sam

That doesn't mean anything.

Carla

Sammy sooner or later you're gonna have to face the possibility that whether you like it or not you might just possibly have a low sperm count.

Sam

You're fired!

Rebecca

Who's birthday? One of your kids?

Carla

Yeah right, you see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.

Norm

Celebrating the birthday of a dead guy. That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.

Carla

It's double mocha chocolate fudge.

Norm

Long live the king.

Excuse me miss, I've been sent to collect some specimens.

Carla

They're sitting over there on the other side of the bar.