Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Sam

Carla, good news. I've given a lot of thought and I decided to offer my employees a group medical plan.

Carla

Oh man, that's great Sammy. What changed your mind?

Sam

It's the right thing to do. You guys need it. You deserve it. It's important to you. Plus they passed some kind of law.

Frasier

Carla, you can't believe God has a personal vendetta against you.

Carla

Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?

Do you have a Clavin here?

Carla

Yeah, but it hasn't been flushing right lately.

Frasier

Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.

Lilith

Or some of your weekly ones.

Frasier

Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"

Carla

Because you're the loneliest man on earth.

Lilith

He has another reason.

Carla

I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?

Norm

Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.

Cliff

Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.

Frasier

You okay, Cliff?

Cliff

What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.

Lilith

Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.

Carla

Like a body temperature?

Lilith

That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

Carla

Well, that was just rude.

Ah, Miss Tortelli... is that a new hairdo, or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub? What am I saying - what would you be doing in a bathtub?

Carla

Cleaning you out of the drain.

Yeasty oil slick!

Carla

Bladder polyp!

Man witch!

Carla

Perverted goat boy!

Sluttish mole!

Carla

Seven o'clock tonight?

Make it 6:30.

Frasier

[after Sam suggests he begin dating] Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

Carla

Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Cliff

Who'd have thought it, Rebecca and Frasier? What's next, me and Carla!?

Carla

Don't say it, Clavin, don't you even think it!

Carla

Well, I guess you can stay here for the night.

Sam

Yeah, yeah. Alright, thanks.

Carla

Look, Sammy.

Sam

What?

Carla

No matter what you hear, no matter how much I scream or call for help... do NOT open the bedroom door. Got it?

Ditto for me, too, Sam.

Sam

Oh, no no... [he leaves]