Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Carla

Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?

Sam

I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.

Cliff

How'd it go?

Sam

I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.

Norm

What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?

Sam

That's right.

Norm

Okay, for a second there I was offended.

Carla

Hey teach, I'm Carla LeBec. Listen I got this business problem. I'm being audited by the IRS and I'm a little scared.

Well don't be. The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists. They're people just like you.

Carla

Boy I'm in worse trouble than I thought.

Norm

It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up

Carla

That's illegal

Norm

Okay, if you don't wanna...

Carla

No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!

Sam

Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.

Cliff

What's that?

Sam

Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.

Carla

Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.

Sam

Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.

Carla

He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?

Frasier

I'm just going to the men's room to check my hair.

Carla

I already checked. It's not in there.

What about a friendly game of pool?

Sam

No, I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.

Carla

You haven't lived.

Carla

Sorry. No suds tonight, Norm. You are still our designated driver, remember?

Norm

I know that. You know that. But did you have to call every bar in town and tell them?

Frasier

Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality. It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus pocus. Before you know it this woman will be holding your hand once a week, charging you $100 an hour, and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.

Carla

And how is that different from you?

Frasier

Well [pause]...I can prescribe drugs.

Woody

I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her why would I be sleeping with somebody else?

Carla

Wait a minute. You've been going out with Kelly for over a year and you're not sleepin' with her?

Woody

Of course not. That's the sort of this you wait to do after you're married. Right, Mr. Peterson?

Norm

Well you keep believing that, Woody.

Carla

I know how we should celebrate. Why don't you just take me right on top of the bar like you did in the old days?

Sam

I never did that.

Carla

Then who was that guy? Oh that was the manager of the bar where I worked before this. Hey can anyone give me a ride to The Broken Spoke?

Carla

Wait a minute, Sammy. Look. Rebecca just said she was leaving here and never coming back.

Sam

Yeah.

Carla

Oh man, this is terrible.

Frasier

What?

Carla

Sammy finally struck out for real.

Sam

What are you talking about here?

Carla

We all knew it was taking a long time but we thought that eventually you two would be doing the horizontal hokey pokey.

Norm

I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.

Carla

It's the end of an era.

Sam

Yup, I guess that's it.

Sam

What's with the getup?

Carla

It's Indian Summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.

Sam

Protection from what?

Carla

The eyes of men.

Sam

What are you talking about?

Carla

Every time I've conceived a kid it's been during Indian Summer. It's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy. I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me, or see me or I'll be shooting out kids like a Pez dispenser.

Carla

Have you ever seen so many yuppies with gold cards?

Rebecca

John Allen Hill worked his magic, and we reap the benefits.

Carla

I love these charge slips. Look here. They put down a five for a tip. All I have to do is stick a one in front of it and I got 15.

Cliff

No, kale's more of a family of greens. Anything with a pungent aroma and a loose head can be called kale.

Carla

Get you another beer, kale?

Lilith

Excuse me. I have to check my messages.

Carla

You got one from Madame Tussaud. Get back to the museum.