Willow Rosenberg quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

[pulls a glowing orb out of her bag] What the hell is it?

Giles

It appears to be paranormal in origin.

Willow

How can you tell?

Giles

Well, it's so shiny.

Xander

[re: Riley's commando hand movements] What's with the hand move? D'you see that? Does that, like, mean somethin'?

Willow

It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo." [mimics pulling a train whistle]

It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.

Xander

Hey Riley! What's the [Mimics gesture] all about?

Riley

It means yell real loud, so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance.

Willow

Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and ... slithered away to do badness.

Giles

In all fairness, we don't really know about the slithered part.

Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.

That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: [speaking to a chicken foot] "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."

Willow

Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.

Well, I get to run the store, right?

Giles

[alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.

Willow

We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.

Tara

I said "quirky."

Giles

Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.

[angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.

Xander

See there? She'll be great.

Willow

Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.

Willow

Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.

It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara

There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Buffy

Where did you send him?

The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.

Willow

It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.

It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.

Tara

There's a world without shrimp? [pause] I-I'm allergic.

Willow

He's probably in Troll Land.

Buffy

I only care that he's not here, and I got this nifty souvenir.

Buffy

Oops...

Xander

The place is trashed enough anyway.

I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.

Tara

O-o-our relationship?

Willow

We're friends.

Tara

Good friends.

Willow

Girlfriends, actually.

Tara

Yes, we're girlfriends.

Willow

We're in love. We're... lovers. [puts hand on Tara's knee] We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.

I meant your relationship with the Slayer.

Tara

[hastily] Um, just good friends. [Willow takes her hand off Tara's knee.]

Willow

Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are-

The faster they stomp you into nothing.

Joyce

I think we're just about ready for pie.

Xander

And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.

Buffy

Xander!

Dawn

Gross.

Xander

You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.

Joyce

I'm taking it as a compliment.

Giles

Yes, everything was delicious.

Yes. I'm going to barf, too.

Joyce

Everyone's so sweet.

Xander

How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?

Willow

[groans] I had too much nog.

Tara

Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.

Dawn

My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.

Willow

That's... bad.

Xander

Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.

Willow

Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.

I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.

Xander

The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.

Tara

There's a Santa Claus?

Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.

Dawn

All true?

Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...

Tara

The reindeer part was nice.

Willow

Have you seen the blue one? Joyce liked the blue one.

Tara

I can check the Laundry room again if you want.

Willow

What about Purple? What does Purple mean?

Tara

I think Purple means royal.

Willow

I can't be Royal when I'm at the hospital. "Oh look at me I'm Queen of everything". [Crying] I have to go see Buffy and be supportive. Why do all my clothes have stupid things on them? Why can't I dress like a grown up? Can't I be a grown up?

Tara

Shh, darling. [Kissing her on the head]

Willow

Tara, I can't do this.

Tara

We can do this.

Willow

We can be there for Buffy and Dawn.

Tara

We can be strong.

Willow

Strong like an Amazon?

Tara

[Laughs] Like an Amazon.

Willow

I wish I had the blue.

Are they gonna cut the body open?

Willow

Oh my God! Would you just... s-stop talking? Just... shut your mouth! Please!

What am I doing?

Willow

How can you act like that?

Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I-is that the helpful thing to do?

Xander

Guys--

Willow

The way you behave--

Nobody will tell me.

Willow

Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!

But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I knew her, and then she's-- there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead... anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And... and Xander's crying and not talking, and... and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why! [She begins to cry.]

Willow

[long pause] We don't know. How it works. Why.

Xander

I'll tell you what it is is. It's the frickin' doctors. I mean, they just let her out, clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here's a band aid, next. They should have checked her over, kept her in. We don't got enough monsters in this town, the doctors gotta help them out?

Willow

Xander, it just happened.

Xander

[Nearly crying] Things don't happen. I mean they don't just happen. Somebody's gotta...

Spike

I'm not going in.

Xander

And you're not leaving those. You really think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?

Spike

This isn't about Buffy.

Xander

Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.

Spike

They're for Joyce.

Xander

Like you cared about her. [Spike moves closer to Xander]

Willow

Guys. Not here.

Spike

Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand.

Xander

And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.

Spike

I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. And she was the only one who didn't treat me like a freak.

Xander

Her mistake.

Spike

[scoffs] Think what you want. [He throws the flowers to the ground and stomps off]

Xander

Un ... believable. The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.

Willow

[looking at flowers] Xander... He didn't leave a card.

Tara

Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff like lying to my family and staying out all night.

Buffy's boinking Spike.

Willow

Oh. Tara's right. Grief can be powerful, and we shouldn't judge--

Tara

What are you, kidding? She's nuts!