Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I just wanna get my life back, you know, do normal stuff.

Like date?

Well...

Xander

Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.

[Xander starts chuckling and Buffy punches him on the arm]

Xander

[still kind of chuckling] Ow.

All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff.

S3 Faith, Hope & Trick

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It's all over school. What happened with Debbie and Pete. Except for the "Pete was a monster" part.

Yeah, a freshman told me that Pete had eight iced cafe mochas and just lost it.

That's better than the estrogen theory. I heard he took all of his mother's birth-control pills.

He didn't? Pete was a monster? Where have I been?

Xander

In your special place, Cor, which is why I adore you.

So what's the true story? What happened?

Well, we got a hold of Pete's lab books and stuff, and Mr. Science was doing a Jekyll/Hyde deal. He was afraid Debbie was gonna leave him, so he mixed this potion to become super mas macho.

The only thing was, after a while, he didn't need the potion to turn into a bad guy. He did it just fine on his own.

So it was like a real killing. He wasn't under the influence of anything?

Just himself. Uh... I'll see you guys later.

Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day.

S3 Beauty and the Beasts

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Xander

Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.

They're training.

Xander

I stand by my phrase.

S3 Homecoming

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Xander

Okay, let's not say something we'll all regret later, okay?

Crazy freak!

Vapid whore!

Xander

Like that.

S3 Homecoming

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BMs. Barton

Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!

Xander

Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?

Get in line.

S3 Band Candy

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Why are you guys so hyper?

Hey, speaking of people and things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sort of different?

Xander

Let's see. Killing zombies, torching sewer monsters, and, no, that's pretty much the same old Buffster.

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What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?

It was an accident.

Xander

What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

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[About Angel] You'd just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?

Xander

I don't need an excuse! I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason!

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Faith

Guy like that, with that kinda glove, could kill a whole mess of people.

Xander

Said the same thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care. [aims to take his next shot]

Faith

Buffy knew he was alive. [Xander shoots; Faith glares] I can't believe her.

Xander

She says he's clean.

Faith

Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out. [Xander looks at her] I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay.

Xander

[beat] Can I come?

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Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy. What's with all the tragedy masks?

Better take a seat, Buffy.

What's going on?

We know Angel is alive. Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us.

Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. But this is serious. You need help.

It's not what you think.

Xander

Hope not, because I think you're harboring a vicious killer.

This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, "I" statements only. "I feel angry." "I feel worried."

Fine. Here's one. I feel worried. About me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was way more interested in killing her friends.

But he's better now.

Xander

Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?

What is this, demons anonymous? I don't need an intervention here.

Oh, don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.

I was going to tell you, I was. It was just that I... I didn't know why he came back. I-I just wanted to wait.

Xander

For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?

I'm not going to... We're not together like that.

But you were kissing him.

You were spying on me? What gives you the right?

What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?

It was an accident.

Xander

What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?

It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...

Xander

You would stop him. Like you did last time with Ms. Calendar.

Buffy, I feel that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight. And that's why we're-we're all going to help you face this.

But he's better now, I swear. Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. He's keeping it safe for us in the mansion.

Xander

[about Angel] Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the scary guy, and leave us to clean up the mess.

[stops Xander from leaving] You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?

Xander

I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason.

Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy.

Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?

Don't you start with me.

Giles, no one's doing the "I" statements.

That's enough! Everybody. Now Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood. Our... priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to your classes.

[they leave]

Thanks for the bail in there. I know this is a lot to absorb, but Angel did find the glove, and that was a good--

Be quiet. I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer. But sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You have no respect for me, or the job I perform.

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So there's no more glove thing-y?

Xander

No. Little living flame, little mesquite, gone for good.

Sounds like we missed a lot of fun.

Xander

Then we're telling it wrong.

What do you think Buffy and Angel are gonna do?

Xander

Boy, do I don't know.

Well, he saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.

Xander

Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess.

What are you guys talking about?

Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again.

He's not my boyfriend. Really, truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool?

Xander

Yeah. Just seeing the two of you kissing after everything that happened, I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you.

I don't, just for the record.

[clears throat]

Let me guess. Gwendolyn Post, not a Watcher?

Yes, she was. She was, uh, kicked out by the Council a couple of years ago for misuses of Dark Power. They swear there was a memo.

Well, I better go. Little more damage control.

[sighs] The whole Angel thing is so weird.

Yes, well, we'll have to see how that unfolds, won't we?

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I'm pathetic, illiterate. I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

Xander

That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined score in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

S3 Lovers Walk

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This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning.

Xander

It's not that bad, Willow, really.

740? Verbal? I'm-I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

Xander

That's right. And the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.

I just... where did I go wrong?

Xander

You did amazing, Willow. As usual.

You guys get you scores?

Xander

Cordelia! Willow is very sad about her academic failure. How did you do? This is not good.

What's not good?

Xander

Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain.

Please. I have some experience in covering these things up.

Well, I can see why you'd be upset. That was my sarcastic voice.

Xander

You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.

I've been told that. But we should celebrate, do something.

Like, the four of us?

Xander

A double date! It could have potential.

Buffy! Hey, did you get your S.A.T. Scores?

Xander

By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be manning the drive-through window side by side.

They're just test scores, right? What do they really mean, anyway?

1430! Buffy, you kicked ass! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited.

Xander

Buff, that's amazing.

Let me see that.

Yeah. With scores like that, you can apply pretty much anywhere you want.

Buffy, this could, like, change your whole future.

The though had occurred to me.

Xander

Then why the sour puss?

I don't know. I guess... my future. I never really thought about it. I wasn't even sure I was going to have one.

Well, I think this is great. Now you can leave and never come back! Well, I mean that in a possible way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?

S3 Lovers Walk

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No luck reaching Cordelia?

Xander

I've left a few messages. Sixty, seventy... but you know what really bugs me? [to Willow] OK, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.

Darn tootin'!

Xander

And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.

Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

Xander

Mine is much more advanced.

S3 The Wish

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[choking and grunting] Nnrrf! Nnrrf!

Oh, God. Demon, demon. What kills a demon?!

[choking and grunting] Nnrrf! Nnrrf!

Oh, nerf. Not nerf. Knife!

Okay. That was too close for comfort. Not that slaying's ever comfy, but, you know what I mean? [sighs] If you guys hadn't been here to help...

But we were. And we did. And-and we're all fine. [sighs] Isn't he gonna go poof?

Um, I guess these guys don't. We'll have to bury him or something. [groans] Makes you appreciate vamps though. No fuss, no muss.

Xander

So how come Faith was a no-show? I thought mucus-y demons were her favorites.

Couldn't reach her. Again. She hasn't been hanging out much.

Xander

I detect worry.

A little bit. Slaying's a rough gig. Too much alone time isn't healthy. Stuff gets pent up.

We should try to do more socializing with her.

Xander

Well, burial detail aside, does this cap us off for the day?

You got plans?

Xander

I cannot stress enough how much I don't have plans.

No luck reaching Cordelia?

Xander

I've left a few messages. 60. 70. But you know what really bugs me? [to Willow] Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.

Darn tootin'!

Xander

And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.

Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

Xander

Mine is much more advanced.

At least tomorrow's Monday, another school day.