BuffyDo you want to go out tonight?
Strangely, I feel like staying at home, and doing my homework, and flossing, and dying a virgin.
Buffy
You know, you can O.D. on virtue.
Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. I mean, she messed up everything she touched. I don't ever want to be like that.
Oh, hi, listen, I didn't have a chance...
PPercy
Okay, so I did the outline for the paper on Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. Um, and I know they're kinda... kinda short, but, um, I can flesh them out. Oh, and-and here's the bibliography. Um, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong, and I'll get on it.
Buffy
You want to go out tonight?
Buffy
[about college] It's nice that you're excited.
It's just that in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon, you really had to work to learn anything. But here... the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force. This penetrating force.. and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into... [considers what she's saying] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
Buffy
You saw the Grand Canyon?
Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon, on cable. Really lame.
Buffy
Huh?
Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night, when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say, I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything is exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Buffy
Male strippers?
Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. - No, wait, hold on. - Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. - Hold on, no. Ahm... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... - OK, can we forget that?
Buffy
Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
The point is, you're Buffy.
Buffy
Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.
And now in college you're Betty Louise?
Buffy
Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.
[...] Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think “What would Buffy do?” You're my hero. OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think “What is Buffy wearing?”
Buffy
Anything?
Ah! "Introduction to the Modern Novel. A survey study of 20th century novelists." Open to freshmen. You might like that.
Buffy
Introduction to the Modern Novel? I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
Buffy
I like books. I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an introduction to the Modern Blurb?
Buffy
Well, that's good.
Oh, no, it conflicts with psych.
Buffy
Maybe I shouldn't take psych.
You gotta. It-It's fun, and-and you can use it as your science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's like world-renowned.
Buffy
How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be "nowned" first?
Yes, first, there's the painful "nowning" process. Wait! "Images of Pop Culture." This is good. They-they watch movies, uh, TV shows, even commercials.
Buffy
For credit?
[laughs] Isn't college cool?
Buffy
How did I miss that one?
Well, you did sort of wait till the last minute with your course selection.
Buffy
Sorry, Miss "I chose my major in my group."
That's an exaggeration. I just, you know, think it's good to be prepared. Don't want to be caught unawares.
Buffy
Well, I've been busy. It's been a very slay-heavy summer. Just haven't had a whole lot of time to think about life at UC Sunnydale.
It's exciting though, isn't it?
Buffy
Yeah. It's gonna be an adjustment.
Yeah, it's like, 5 miles away. [chuckles] Just uncharted territory.
Buffy
Giles said I have to be secret identity gal again.
Buffy
It's gonna be tough, though. With a roommate.
Buffy
I'm psyched about college, definitely. I just need to figure out how it's gonna work with my extracurricular activities. I just can't let it take the edge off my slaying. I gotta stay sharp. [sighs] Is this guy ever gonna wake up?
So, all that other stuff in there, that's just gonna sit in there, right? I mean, no one owns it in the strictest sense.
Dibs on the rowing machine.
I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. Uh, to hell with what's right. I-I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil and-and-and fight it together.
Buffy
Great. Thanks. We'll get right on that.
Buffy
My room is.
Hey, Giles, can you get this box on top?
So, college not so scary after all, huh?
Buffy
It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.
Buffy
... so then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this!"
[She punches the air.]
So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy
Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
Buffy
[about Kathy] You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer!
[She brings her foot up, around and down onto a bench, breaking it in two.]
Buffy
She's... other really bad things.
On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
Buffy
So then, Kathy's like, "It's share time," and I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this."
[She punches the air.]
So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy
Well, I didn't do either, actually, but she deserves it, don't you think?
Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.
Buffy
Oh, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and...
Forced to wear a binding unitard?
Buffy
Yeah, the itchy kind. It's perfect.
Buffy
Which I appreciate, but you've never come on routine patrol with me before, Oz. So, what's the deal?
It seemed more interesting than homework.
Buffy
As long as it's an elective. I can handle myself alone, you know.
Buffy
Good. So then, I go to the refrigerator, right? And ther label queen has managed to put...
Just a, just a thought, Buffy, do you think that all this ranting is scaring away potential demons?
Buffy
You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer! She's... other really bad things.
On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
Buffy
This isn't funny, Oz. Something has to be done.
Buffy
Mm-mmm. A little to the left. There. Perfect. Oh, I'm so glad you're here, Will. I can already feel all that bad Kathy karma just draining away.
About that-- the Kathy thing. I'm sorry I doubted you.
Buffy
You're completely forgiven. I mean, you had reason to doubt. Except for the soul-sucking thing, I bet Kathy was pretty regular as far as roomies go.
That's a pretty big "except."
Buffy
I guess. I'm just glad that it was Kathy's demony ways making me no-fun Buffy. I've always thought I was pretty easy going, you know? It's not like I have the big issues. I don't burn incense or--
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
