Scenes with Rosa Diaz 39
[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
But- you guys always make fun of me!
I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!
DiazYeah, man. We always love your costumes.
Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.
[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
[Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
Diaz
Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
[Jake has called Gina, Terry, Diaz, and Boyle into the break room.]
Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.
You called us in here to tell us that?
No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-
[Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!
Oh... this isn't gonna end well.
There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade-
Diaz
Hitchcock just drank his own fish.
[Boyle was caught naked in a restaurant bathroom when Rosa Diaz chased a suspect in there. The following day, Boyle is in the file room when Diaz walks in.]
Diaz
Oh. I didn't-
Diaz
Right, why would you be-
It's not like I'm, uh, always-
Diaz
Naked.
Diaz
Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-
Diaz
[Laughs] Sure. Whatever.
[Terry enters the file room.]
Hey. I've been looking for you guys. I just spoke to our perp's attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom weren't his.
Diaz
What?! But we saw him throw them in the garbage!
Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his- but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams!
Yeah, but the thing about cameras, is that they don't really tell the full, objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.
Boyle, what are you talking about?
Diaz
Boyle is fully nude in the footage.
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history! The auction for-
[Gina reaches down from the podium and holds up a vinyl briefcase; the gathered detectives are amazed.]
Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the Lost & Found since 1976. No one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off!
I'll let you give me a spray tan! Any shade you want!
Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity! Who can top it?
Massage! I'll give you a massage!
Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach. Orange Jake: Goin' once! Goin' twice!
Diaz
I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side pony.
Ooh! Rosa comin' in hot, Rosa comin' in hot!
I'll also give you full control over my hair and wardrobe.
I'll go on a date with you!
SOLD! To Jake. Not to Scully. That really freaked me out and I just want this to end now.
Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.
The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!
Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, per exemple?
What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch!
What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.
Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all!
Diaz
Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we do?!
No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.
[32 minutes later.]
Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the way from Paris.
[Holt unties the ribbon and removes the red plastic wrapping. Holt examines some of the items.]
Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber bands.] That man really knows me!
This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.
You mean like a dining room?
Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots. You all get something, so fire away.
Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.
Diaz
Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.
All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Oh, cool, I want a fast sports car.
Come on, you can be honest.
I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
There you go. Now, let's find out what I'm worth... Ah, I'm too nervous. Sarge, you do it.
[Opens the envelope] It's stock, one million shares!
... Of Blockbuster Video stock.
[Terry hands the folder back and everyone goes back to work in disappointment.]
What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card. WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOCKBUSTER?!
What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!
Diaz
Two tanks. I want a tank, too.
Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in there?!
Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.
What'd you do? What'd you say?
Nothin', just said welcome back.
And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!
Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!
"Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!
Did you get the other guy?
Someone named Bob Anderson.
Oh, my God. Amy, I have to go. [Hangs up.] Bob is working for Figgis!
Diaz
What?
He must've been the one who deleted all those digital files! And he tried to have Wielan killed!
Diaz
But he helped us with the heist and there was nothing about him in the paper file!
Yeah! Cause that wasn't the real file! We have to call Holt. Come on, Captain, pick up! Pick up!
[Cut to the hospital room where Holt and Bob were waiting; Bob has drawn his pistol and is aiming it at Holt.]
Don't answer that, Raymond. And now I'm going to have to kill you.
[The lights in Diaz's apartment go out while the detectives are trying to interrogate Bob.]
Time's up. Looks like Figgis found you.
[Cut to several minutes later.]
Diaz
That's the last of the candles.
Is that multi-wick? [Sniffs] Am I smelling basil and tangerine?
Diaz
It's called Summer's Kiss.
What the hell is goin' on with you?
I hate to rub it in, detectives, but I told you they'd find me.
[A red laser dot is being aimed into the room.]
[The laser dot moves towards Bob and aims steadily at him.]
Whoah! Whoah, whoah, whoah! Wrong guy, wrong guy!
[Jake tackles Bob as the glass vase behind him shatters.]
Stay away from the windows!
[Jake and Holt get a coffee table and turn it on its side, and they and Bob take cover.]
My God! What the hell's going on? They tried to kill me! [Two more vases shatter.] Oh, we have to get out of here and we have to get out of here now.
Diaz
It's cool. I have a panic room.
Yes! There's the Rosa I know! Summer's Kiss my ass!
Diaz
But it won't fit all of us.
Well, looks like Bob's the odd man out. Bye, Bob!
Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.
Diaz
You're gonna do the F.B.P.!
That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!
[Jake prepares by stretching. Terry puts on Jake's helmet and Amy kisses Jake before strapping him on.]
[When Gina waves the starting flag, Jake slides across the floor to the tune of Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now". Everyone cheers him on.]
[Everyone continues to root for Jake until he arrives at the elevator, which opens. Holt is inside to everyone's horror.]
BTBoyle, Terry and Diaz
[in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!
[in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!
[Jake collides with Holt and the elevator closes. Everybody cringes. The elevator opens again and Holt and Jake exit. Holt grabs Jake's hand and raises it up.]
Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their relationship. And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math conference.
Diaz
Because you called it "Funky Cats and Their Feisty Stats".
That was the name! It was so cool!
Diaz
It was not. Anyway, it's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.
What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! [Diaz is taken aback.] I mean, that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
Diaz
[Diaz is surprised.] Wow.
[exasperated] Never mind! I'm teaching Father the math.
[Diaz tilts her head, still surprised and amazed at what she's hearing.]
[Amy hurriedly leaves, and Diaz still looks on at Amy.]
I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place at work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.
Diaz
Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. The night shift is keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
[whispers] Don't say it again.
Diaz
I said you two need to bone.
[Amy closes her eyes.]
How DARE YOU, DETECTIVE DIAZ. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!
[5 minutes later, Amy is shuddering in her seat, Diaz is apathetic, and Holt is at his doorframe.]
[10 minutes later]
What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.
[21 minutes later, Amy is still shuddering in her seat, Diaz is still apathetic, and Holt is bouncing at his doorframe.]
[40 minutes later]
Don't ever speak to me like that again.
[Holt leaves, Amy lifts her head to Diaz.]
Diaz
Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.
Oh, Captain! I know you don't wanna talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a Math professor.
No need, Santiago, it's all good.
So the fight with Kevin is over?
Because you understand the math now?
Diaz
Because you guys...
Diaz
I knew it. [Diaz goes to leave but quickly turns back to Amy] See what happened is your dads had sex.
[Amy quickly stands up to leave] Okay, Rosa!
Diaz
So the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year. To make that much they'd have had to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the entire year.
Damn it! We have to shut them down.
Diaz
Wait. Let's not be hasty about this. Let's think this through. We wanna be smart about this.
Right. What if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow, I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him and my foot cramps up?
Diaz
Due to lack of massaging.
Then the murderer gets away!
Diaz
Know who he kills next? The Mayor.
Oh, my God. The City has no mayor now.
Diaz
It's chaos. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.
They gotta call in the National Guard, there's tanks rolling down Fifth Avenue, declaring martial law!
Diaz
All because we shut down a foot massage place.
That was doing God's work! What were we thinking?
Diaz
So it's agreed. We let them stay open, for the sake of the city.
For the sake of the city.
[They sit for a few moments.]
Diaz
We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?
Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.
Diaz
NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!
Put your magical hands where I can see them!
Diaz
You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!
Diaz
Yes, money laundering! Whatever!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
