Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

[In a deep-sounding, disguised voice] Jake Peralta? This is Jimmy Figgis.

Jake

Oh! Uh... hey... dog!

You and Ray Holt took down my operation. Now, I'm gonna kill you both. Later, dog. [Hangs up.]

Jake

Uh- Captain Holt?

Jake

Morning, Greg.

Holt

Morning, Larry.

Jake

How's the Sheriff?

Amy

Well, he keeps yelling, "Disability for life!" so I think he's fine.

Boyle

Jacque rolls his own cigarettes; a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille! But.. that is not all he picked up.

Jake

Why do all your characters get STDs?!

Boyle

Because they're living life!

Jake

Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.

Diaz

You're gonna do the F.B.P.!

Jake

That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!

Jake

Here we go.

Terry

[in slow motion] Yes!

[in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!

Jake

[in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!

Holt

[in slow motion] What?

Jake

Hold on, I can't stop!

Holt

THE FULL BULLPEN!

Jake

Hey there, Boyle. How's your weekend?

Boyle

Well, actually, I got a little sick.

Jake

Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.

Boyle

Yeah, well, Bullets Over Broadway was on TV. I came down with a big old Dianne Wiest infection.

Jake

[stares impassively]

Boyle

[continues to smile]

Jake

[stares impassively]

Boyle

[continues to smile] ...Like YEAST!

Hello. We're here to honor Captain Jason Stentley, who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring. So it is my pleasure to bestow upon him the Medal of Honor. Captain Stentley.

Bestow me, baby! Oh, wow. That's a lotta people. Uh... Baba-booie! Cornholio! That's it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?

Will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference in the overall level of drugs moving into the city?

No idea. Next!

What's your philosophy for dealing with international narcotics supply chains?

Didn't understand the question. Next!

Why was Flaco targeted for this operation?

Okay, there's a question I can answer. Uh, uh- well, it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine, so I totally biffed it. Uh-

Thank you, Captain. That is- that's plenty.

Jake

That was a train wreck.

Holt

Yes, he never should've been put in that position. Whoever recommended him for the medal and called all those reporters really messed up. [Smiles]

Jake

Wait, what are you saying?

Holt

Oh, nothing. It just seems as if CJ has been... overmined.

Jake

And you used my made-up word!

Holt

I did. I hated it, "overmined!" [Sighs] What have I become? Was this whole thing even worth it?

Jake

It was no snacksident.

Jake

What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends!

Doug Judy

I don't know why you thought that.

Jake

Because you kept saying we were! We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls!

So bro, you friends with this cop?

Doug Judy

No. This thirsty-ass bitch just desperate for attention.

Jake

"Thirsty-ass bitch"? Okay, Captain, now I know you're gonna step in to defend me.

Holt

Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.

Jake

Oh, my God, this is the worst day of my life! Where's Charles?

So if you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste 'im, right?

Jake

Of course he minds! I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in a playful way. Like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie!

Doug Judy

Shoot 'im.

Jake

No, no, no! Those can't be my last words! Uh, ¡ay, caramba!

The hell?

Doug Judy

Whoops. Looks like someone forgot to put bullets in his brother's gun.

Holt

I just got off the phone with the D.A. And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.

Doug Judy

So I'm a free man?

Holt

[Nods] Mm.

Doug Judy

Nope. Still smells the same.

Jake

I'm sorry that I doubted you. But you did drive off with the guy we were chasing.

Doug Judy

Had to. I saw he was about to get away, so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side. It's crazy how good I am at your job.

Holt

Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.

Jake

Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.

Holt

Fine. You're a good cop, even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.

Jake

Wow. Solve a pretty intense murder and just crap all over me.

Doug Judy

Hey, Cap'n, got you a little somethin'-somethin'. [Pulls the cover off a nearby car, revealing a red 1963 Chevrolet Corvair Monza Spyder convertible.]

Holt

Gertie?

Doug Judy

Nope. But she is the same make, model, and color.

Holt

Oh, my God, you stole this! I can't be seen driving a stolen-

Doug Judy

Relax, man. I bought this at a used car lot for, like, $600. This is not a nice vehicle.

Jake

Yeah, it's not.

Doug Judy

And by the way, her name's not Gertie. It's Sexarella.

Holt

Hello, Sexarella.

Jake

So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?

Doug Judy

Turning over a new leaf. I'm gonna live that honest life. Maybe open up a bakery, buy a little house, invest in my retirement.

Jake

You're gonna go back to stealing cars immediately, aren't you?

Doug Judy

That's very much on the table, yeah.

Jake

And when you do, I'm gonna be there to stop you.

Doug Judy

No, you won't.

Jake

Yes, I will.

Doug Judy

No, you won't.

Jake

Yes, I will.

Doug Judy

I'm gonna miss you, man.

Jake

So what was it like getting hit by a bus?

Gina

It was awesome.

Jake

I knew it! I always wanted to get hit by a bus.

Gina

Yeah, I mean, I was legally dead for two full minutes. And I met God.

Diaz

Tight. What does She look like?

Gina

Ethnically ambiguous.

All right, everyone. As you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 9-9 and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Any questions?

Terry

Yeah. Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for the job, given your and my...

Boyle

Sexual past?

Terry

[visibly annoyed] Thank you, Detective Boyle.

Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly. I won't let our past interfere with my assessment in any way, whatsoever.

Holt

Well, that's certainly good to hear.

I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over, and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent relationship. But that does not mean that I cannot remain unbiased.

Jake

The way you say that, it kind of makes it sound like you actually are biased.

[Menacingly] I have no idea what you mean. That is all.

Holt

Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".

Gina

I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.

I told you- you can't be back here.

Gina

And I told you- I already am!

Jake

What did you do?

Gina

I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."

Jake

The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!

To the Nine-Nine!

Gina

[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!

Jake

Okay, but in my defense Rosa bet me fifty cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

Holt

That's not what I want- you drank shampoo?

Jake

What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Holt

Do you know what disappoints me most about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the 9-9 so happy. And I wasn't there.

Jake

Because you were working on the presentation, to get us a win.

Holt

Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I'd been in that photo.

Jake

I know. And I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But it's not over. And we are still in Rochester.

Holt

What are you saying?

Jake

I think you know what I'm saying.

Boyle

[after seeing Amy with an unusual hairdo] Jake, what's going on? Why is Amy's hair like that?

Jake

Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous 'cause she's taking the sergeant's exam today.

Diaz

So she's stress-braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago panic scale.

Jake

Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two: creepily singing songs from The Great American Songbook. [In a flashback, Amy sits up creepily singing "You're a Grand Old Flag" while Jake lies awake listening.] So, yeah, it's a little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us.

Amy

WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO COOK MY FRICKIN' OATMEAL?!

Jake

She'll be okay.