Lance Sweets quotes from Bones

Brennan

Until I was thirteen, I wanted to be the next Cyndi Lauper.

Booth

I'd say you're kidding, but I don't think you know how to kid.

Brennan

The other girls and I referred to her as "rad." [laughs] My mother said I sang just as well.

Booth

As well as Cyndi Lauper?

Brennan

Yes.

Sweets

Mothers do that. It's healthy.

Brennan

No, it wasn't just flattery. My mother told me I sang "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" better than she did.

Sweets

It was an expression of affection, Dr. Brennan, not an objective evaluation of your abilities.

Brennan

Well, I think you're wrong.

Booth

Okay then, go ahead, belt it out.

Brennan

No!

Sweets

Yeah, come on. Give us a few bars.

Booth

Come on...

Brennan

I can't just burst into song. I have to have music and an appropriate atmosphere of frivolity.

Booth

Diva, forensic genius, best-selling author, better than Cyndi Lauper...

Booth

Bones broke into my house last night.

Brennan

There was a key!

Booth

All angry because nobody told her that I was dead. And I was just following protocol!

Sweets

Broke into your house?

Brennan

There was a key.

Booth

And barged into my bathroom.

Sweets

What were you doing?

Brennan

He was drinking beer and reading a comic book.

Booth

I was taking a bath!

Sweets

You read comics and drink beer naked?

Booth

Wait a minute. Bones bursts into my bathroom, all right, and I'm weird for being naked?

Brennan

[confronting Sweets in an angry whisper] You think I don't recognize an experiment when I see one? You experimented on us.

Sweets

Beg your pardon?

Brennan

Not telling me Booth was alive, you wanted to quantify our reactions for your own research. You took advantage of us. Booth and I agreed to let you observe us. We did not agree to be used as lab rats, so you better cut it out.

Sweets

Dr. Brennan, why are you talking so fast?

Brennan

Because if Booth hears why you did what you did, he'd beat you up.

Sweets

Don't you think that would be an overly aggressive act?

Brennan

Not at all. So you better not do it again.

Sweets

Does it seem that your partnership provides a surrogate relationship, making it more difficult to form other bonds?

Brennan

A surrogate relationship wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing because then I could avoid the sting of rejection, which, however fleeting, is still uncomfortable.

Booth

Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place.

Brennan

No, relationships are temporary.

Booth

No, that's not true, Bones, you're wrong, okay? There is someone for everyone, someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, all right? You just have to be open enough to see it, that's all.

Parker

[to Booth, when introduced to Dr. Sweets] His face doesn't look like a baby's behind!

[puts his hands over Parker's ears] Look, okay, he's having nightmares, he's not eating, he doesn't wanna go to school and suddenly he's afraid of meteors!

Sweets

Giant flaming rocks from outer space. Who wouldn't be afraid?

Hodgins

[notices Sweets observing him] Why are you spying on me?

Sweets

[facetiously] Could it be because I'm the dupe of an organ of the shadowy forces that secretly run this country?

Sweets

These action figurines, they're awesome.

Booth

Still living at home there, huh, Sweets?

Sweets

No, I have my own place, and before that I lived with a woman. All right?

Brennan

Was that woman your mother?

Booth

Sweets, what are you doing?

Sweets

I'm putting myself in the mind of an obsessive-compulsive in order to figure out where I might conceal a memory-enhancing, psychosexual proxy.

Booth

Right, right. What's that mean?

Brennan

Masturbatory aid.

Booth

Oh. Check the shoes.

Sweets

Good.

Brennan

What? He's not going to find it in the shoes. (Sweets holds up a photgraph) Do all boys keep their masturbatory aids in their shoes, or is that particular to you?

Booth

That's for me to know and you to find out.

Sweets

Well, uh, first I think it's important to find out what went wrong, why you were involved in an unsuccessful relationship.

Angela

Who said it was unsuccessful?

Sweets

You're not together anymore, are you?

Angela

Do you love your parents?

Sweets

Yes.

Angela

But you don't live together anymore, does that mean your relationship with mom and dad was unsuccessful?

Sweets

I don't think it's the same.

Angela

I do. Sometimes you have to move on, whatever your feelings.

Dr. Brennan, I don't want you to think this is an intervention.

Brennan

I don't know what that means.

Sweets

An intervention is when a group of loved ones bands together to help one of their own make a difficult decision.

Oh, um, then this is an intervention.

Brennan

Are you my loved ones?

Max

I've decided I'm leaving the Jeffersonian.

Sweets

Why?

Brennan

Because I fired him.

Sweets

You can do that?

Max

Oh, yeah. Believe me, she can do it.

Brennan

Well, it's all about proximity to forensic evidence.

Max

Don't take any offense, but that's a lot of crap. It's about a proximity to me. Right?

Sweets

Well, in my opinion, it isn't your father's presence that's causing you anxiety. It's the memory of his absence.

Brennan

I can understand quantum mechanics, but I can't understand you.

Sweets

Um...Can I offer you a piece of advice?

Booth

Well, that's why we called you, Sweets...

Dr. Sweets

Don't try too hard to be their friends. Act like you're more interested in each other than any of them, all right? They will come to you.

Brennan

Okay, thanks, Sweets. [she hangs up]

Booth

So, uh, sex, right?

Brennan

Uh, good idea.

Booth

'Kay.

Sweets

May I call you Bones in future moments of shared camaraderie?

Brennan

Don't call me Bones.

Sweets

Sure about that, Bones?

Brennan

Please, don't.

Sweets

Mad props.

Brennan

Thanks.

Booth is right. You're like a portable polygraph.

Sweets

He didn't mean that in a good way, though, did he?