Linda Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Bob

Did you shave my arm?

Uh, yeah.

Bob

Why did he shave my arm?

Linda

He shaved your arm.

Bob

Why did he shave my arm, Lin?

Linda

Because he's a doctor.

Bob

What happened when I passed out!?

Bob

My other arm is shaved!

Mm-hmm.

Bob

Why'd you shave my body?!

Linda

He's looking for other cuts.

Bob

Start making piles of stuff that could go together.

Linda

Uh... Okay, I got one! Lipstick, pepper spray, tiny baby carrots.

Bob

What's the theme?

Linda

"Woman of the Night!" She gets dressed up, she kills a john, she has a snack!

Bob

Uh, let's keep making piles.

Bob

You don't even know if this Deuce is legit!

Linda

He has a website!

Louise

Yeah, they don't just give those out.

Bob

We're going down there and we're coming back with our money.

Linda

Or with a really good baseball player!

Louise

I hope neither of you are getting your hopes up.

Linda

[to Bob] You should teach at my school.

Bob

And you should work in my coal mine.

Why'd you headbutt me?!

Linda

I was going to punch you, but I'm holding wine.

Bob

So, really— no one wants to confess? Louise?

Louise

It wasn't me!

Linda

Louise...

Louise

It wasn't!

Bob

So no one—including Louise—wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you one more chance to confess, then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle!

Linda

Bobby!

No, it's okay. I didn't have any plans.

Linda

Bob, come on. It was Louise. Or maybe Gene.

Gene

[gasps] How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended! It had to be Louise.

Louise

Unbelievable. So everyone thinks I did it? Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!?

Gene

Yep. Perfect system.

You never let me sing any of my songs.

Linda

That's because your songs were all so... [whispers] ...sexual.

Tina

Pardon?

Linda

Plus, you had that speech impediment.

I know. I wrote a song about it called "G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-genitals."

Linda

It's Christmas Eve and our tree is dead! What are we gonna do, Bobby?

Bob

I don't know, but we had to get it out of the house. It caught on fire twice. I guess we're just not going to have a tree this year.

Linda

N-n-n-not have a tree!? On Christmas!?

Louise

Where are the presents gonna go without no tree?

Gene

We want a divorce!

Bob

Okay, everyone just be quiet.

Gene

Can I say just one thing?

Bob

Gene...

Gene

I think I have the best legs in the family. And the smoothest bottom.

Tina

Mom...

Linda

Yes, Tina?

Tina

I was the one who didn't flush. Sorry.

Linda

That's okay, Tina. It was impressive. It looked just like your father's.

Tina

Thanks. That's what I was going for.

Louise

Mom?

Bob

Oh my God...

Louise

Where do babies come from?

Linda

You all came from my vagina.

Gene

Ha! I knew it! Pay up, Tina!

Linda

I can't believe Louise doesn't want to have a slumber party.

Bob

Well, she's not the most social kid. She still hasn't accepted my friend request. And I know she's seen it.

Linda

If she'd just do the things she hates, I know she'd love it.

Bob

That sounds like nonsense.

Linda

Nonsense, or Mom-sense?

Bob

Well, there's got to be someone who can watch the kids.

Teddy

I'm someone.

Linda

We could call your cousin Vanessa.

Bob

She's in a cult.

Linda

What, people in a cult can't babysit?

Teddy

I'm not in a cult.

Bob

Come on, there's got to be someone we're not thinking of. What about the checker from the grocery store? She said the kids were cute that one time.

Linda

Ugh! She smells awful!

Teddy

I think your kids are cute. I'd love to watch your kids!

Bob

Teddy, have you ever babysat before?

Teddy

Nope. But I'll bet I'd be good at it. And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.

Bob

Uh, I don't know if...

Linda

(Grabbing Bob's hand and walking him away) Alright, let's hit the friggin' road!

Linda

Oh, that guy must really know what he's doing!

Bob

Why, because he's slurping?

Bob

Linda, no. I don't want to drink with that guy.

Linda

Why? I do, Bobby. He's an expert!

Bob

Well, I was looking forward to a relaxing day off. I wasn't even going to talk to you that much, to be honest.

Teddy

Super-freaky, huh?

Bob

What?

Teddy

Linda was right about who was calling. And where Mort's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!

Gene

Try a third one, Mom!

Linda

Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark and handsome.

Bob

Um, *ahem*, I'm already here.

Gene

Hehe, good one, Papa.

Bob

Thank you, son.

Gene

You're welcome.

Marshmallow in the house. Now put a burger in my mouth.

Bob

Oh, hey, Marshmallow.

Linda

*(gasps)* Tall, dark and handsome!

Gene

That settles it: Mom's psychic!

Bob

No she isn't! Marshmallow isn't handsome. She's....beautiful.

Blush!