Bob Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Bob

Tina?

Buckle it up, Buckle it up, Buckle it up or you'll die!

Bob

Shake a leg, Bob. Upskirt Kurt moves faster than this. He's not called "Kurt The Long, Slow Courtship Guy!"

Bob

I just want everyone to know that I've calmed down from this morning, and in the spirit of the holiday, whoever did this, I am granting you a full pardon!

Bob

Ugh, I really thought that would work! Seriously, who put the turkey in the toilet!?

Bob

Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?

Bob

You do not want that flu bug. I had it and it gave me weird fever dreams. I dreamt I was in a book club with my cousin Vanessa,

Bob

[Linda's voice] So listen, none shall pass... gas, Oh, Just kidding.

Bob

Maybe we should just pack it in. Go home and drink the kind of hot coco

Bob

It's the best movie of meat dancing and then its head falling off that I've ever seen. Since Magic Mike.

Bob

Tina, you're on the grill.

Tina

My crotch is itchy.

Eww...!

Bob

Okay... are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?

Tina

Umm... As...

Bob

Because my grill cook would never tell me that.

Tina

[downcast] Oh.

Bob

Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.

Tina

[turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

Linda

C'mere, let me see.

Bob

[as Gene and Louise crowd around Tina] Linda! Not now.

Louise

No, let's all see it!

Bob

No!

Bob, please. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is quite common for a wounded animal to make a bowel movement as he is defeated by a much stronger predator.

Bob

Hey, it wasn't you. It was 4:30!

Here, Bob. Let me show you some very convenient sphincter-tightening exercises.

Bob

No! No, thank you.

Tight... relax.

Bob

I don't want--

Tight... relax.

Bob

[angrily] Stop it!

Tight--

Bob

DON'T DO SPHINCTER-TIGHTENING EXERCISES IN MY RESTAURANT!

Okay, fine. [sits down]

Bob

Thank you!

Gene

[bouncing in his seat] I'll be feeling this in the morning! Hoo!

Bob

Tina, listen to me. You're not going anywhere. I'm your father.

Yes, Tina. But I am your Capoeira instructor. [starts to leave]

Tina

Wait. I'm going to class with you. [starts to follow him]

Bob

Tina, what are you doing?

Tina

Dad, you don't understand!

Bob

I understand you're grounded, effective right now!

Linda

Bob, let her go.

Bob

No! She's grounded, Lin!

Linda

We all just need a minute to calm down.

Bob

Hey, Tina, you walk out that door, and you're no longer my grill cook.

Louise

Dad, calm down. I-I'll go get her. [opens the door and shouts after Tina] YOU GET OUTTA HERE, YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER LOOK BACK! YOU ARE DEAD TO US! [comes back in] Sorry, Dad, there's no getting through to that one.

Bob

Thanks, Louise, that was... very helpful.

Louise

So you're not going to get revenge today?

Bob

No, Louise, I'm not.

Louise

OK, got it. [slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!

Bob

Oh, you cut my credit card?

Louise

Into a ninja star!

Linda

Bob, she deserves a special party this year.

Louise

If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.

Gene

It's true.

Bob

Wait, you read her diary?

Linda

Yeah.

Louise

What I can stomach.

Linda

I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.

Bob

Wha... what does it say?

Linda

It says "I'm not on drugs".

Bob

Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.

Linda

It's just a few days, Bobby.

Bob

Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!

Linda

Just think of them as cute little rumps.

Bob

Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!