Teddy quotes from Bob's Burgers

Teddy

Someone threw a snow cone at my windshield. I thought I hit a rainbow. It was terrifying.

Teddy

[exhausted] Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that.

Teddy

What's Around the Tree, by Louise Belcher.

Teddy

I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.

Louise

Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...

Louise

We don't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.

Gene

Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.

Teddy

Or me at a lesbian bar. Last night. Watched a hockey game at a lesbian bar, Bob. It was like I was invisible.

Teddy

My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.

Bob

Your uncle Paddy... was a maid?

Teddy

All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.

Linda

Alright girls! Go girls!

Bob

You remember "The Deepening", right?

Teddy

Remember it? I was in it! I was Handsome Lifeguard Number 3!

Teddy

What?

Bob

It's just that we're looking at the "after" here. It's kinda hard to picture the "before".

Gene

Bob!

Linda

(singing) Two people, together forever

Teddy

Tough song. She's talkin' about us, Mort.

Linda

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Goin' on about love when you guys don't-

Mort

Have any love? In the slightest?

Louise

Oh, hello, Mr. Dinkler. What a day for science, eh?

Teddy

Louise give me the word when you want me to hit the switch.

I know what you're up to you hooligan. Jeremy saw everything last night.

Louise

Oh you son of a snitch! What's your favorite movie? Squeal Magnolias?

War Horse.

You're trying to sully Edison's good name, and nobody messes with my man, Tom. That's it you're banned.

Teddy

Mort, Teddy, what are you doing right now?

Mort

Adjusting myself without anyone noticing.

Teddy

Watching Mort adjust himself.

Tina

Wait, what are you talking about? Who's "Upskirt Kurt"?

Teddy

Oh yeah, I've heard of that guy. The macho seaplane pilot who beds bored housewives.

Gene

What do you mean "beds"? He makes their beds?

Teddy

No, Gene. Kurt is seducing your mommy.

Gene

Hmmm.

Louise

I hope he's a good listener because that bird loves to chirp.

Teddy

I gotta go to my cousin's wedding this weekend and I'm dreading it.

Gene

Oh. Is this the cousin you got to second base with?

Teddy

No, that was my second cousin and it was third base.

Bob

Well, there's got to be someone who can watch the kids.

Teddy

I'm someone.

Linda

We could call your cousin Vanessa.

Bob

She's in a cult.

Linda

What, people in a cult can't babysit?

Teddy

I'm not in a cult.

Bob

Come on, there's got to be someone we're not thinking of. What about the checker from the grocery store? She said the kids were cute that one time.

Linda

Ugh! She smells awful!

Teddy

I think your kids are cute. I'd love to watch your kids!

Bob

Teddy, have you ever babysat before?

Teddy

Nope. But I'll bet I'd be good at it. And I wouldn't charge you guys anything.

Bob

Uh, I don't know if...

Linda

(Grabbing Bob's hand and walking him away) Alright, let's hit the friggin' road!

Teddy

Super-freaky, huh?

Bob

What?

Teddy

Linda was right about who was calling. And where Mort's wallet was. Two predictions in a row!

Gene

Try a third one, Mom!

Linda

Okay! The next person to walk in will be tall, dark and handsome.

Bob

Um, *ahem*, I'm already here.

Gene

Hehe, good one, Papa.

Bob

Thank you, son.

Gene

You're welcome.

Teddy

Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?

Bob

Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.

Teddy

Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called "Equesticles."

Bob

"Equesticles"?

Teddy

Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.