Bob&#039;s Burgers quotes

Tina, you're on the grill.

My crotch is itchy.

GLGene & Louise

Eww...!

Okay... are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?

Umm... As...

Because my grill cook would never tell me that.

[downcast] Oh.

Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.

[turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

C'mere, let me see.

[as Gene and Louise crowd around Tina] Linda! Not now.

No, let's all see it!

No!

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Hello. Welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "Child Molester"—it comes with candy. Get it?

Hugo

[clicks teeth] Yes.

RRon

No.

'Cause sometimes they use candy to lure their victims...

Hugo

YES! WE GET IT!

RRon

Ohhhhh... hmmmm...

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No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

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I hope they're using protection 'cause I am not taking care of that baby.

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Gene

My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition, so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.

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RRandy

Do you think cows should be ground up for food?

Personally I don't really care but my father, he loves grinding them up. Gives him a rush; makes him feel alive. Daddy's a bad, bad man.

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Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you. I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what? Let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that. But it's true.

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JJairo

Bob, please. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is quite common for a wounded animal to make a bowel movement as he is defeated by a much stronger predator.

Hey, it wasn't you. It was 4:30!

JJairo

Here, Bob. Let me show you some very convenient sphincter-tightening exercises.

No! No, thank you.

JJairo

Tight... relax.

I don't want--

JJairo

Tight... relax.

[angrily] Stop it!

JJairo

Tight--

DON'T DO SPHINCTER-TIGHTENING EXERCISES IN MY RESTAURANT!

JJairo

Okay, fine. [sits down]

Thank you!

Gene

[bouncing in his seat] I'll be feeling this in the morning! Hoo!

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Tina, listen to me. You're not going anywhere. I'm your father.

JJairo

Yes, Tina. But I am your Capoeira instructor. [starts to leave]

Wait. I'm going to class with you. [starts to follow him]

Tina, what are you doing?

Dad, you don't understand!

I understand you're grounded, effective right now!

[Tina defiantly continues on her way out]

Bob, let her go.

No! She's grounded, Lin!

We all just need a minute to calm down.

Hey, Tina, you walk out that door, and you're no longer my grill cook.

[Tina pauses, then walks out the door]

Dad, calm down. I-I'll go get her. [opens the door and shouts after Tina] YOU GET OUTTA HERE, YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER LOOK BACK! YOU ARE DEAD TO US! [comes back in] Sorry, Dad, there's no getting through to that one.

Thanks, Louise, that was... very helpful.

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So you're not going to get revenge today?

No, Louise, I'm not.

OK, got it. [slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!

Oh, you cut my credit card?

Into a ninja star!

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[rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Are you talking to me?

[angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable!

Um, I'm sorry... uhhhhhhh...

Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.

[Tina moves to hug Louise]

YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!

Uhhh...

Shush, shush. I'm sorry baby. Shush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!

Uuhh...

YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?!

Uuhh...

Sorry, baby, come here...

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Bob, she deserves a special party this year.