Linda Belcher quotes from Bob's Burgers

Hugo

This is big! You have to close. The whole building will have to be tented for 48 hours.

Bob

Great. There goes our weekend revenue.

Linda

Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!

Bob

I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...

Linda

Yeah. Ten years!

Bob

What? That can't be right.

Linda

Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.

Hugo

[sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Bob

Are you kidding? I wish I could afford a urinal cake ad.

Linda

Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!

Teddy

My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.

Bob

Your uncle Paddy... was a maid?

Teddy

All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.

Linda

Alright girls! Go girls!

Linda

[worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".

Bob

Ha, "duderuses."

Louise

Action!

Bob

[practicing] As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all "past due." But what does "past due" even mean, you know?

Gene

It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!

Linda

Gene was past due, and he came out fine.

Gene

I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table]

Linda

Hey! Get outta there!

Gene

LEMME IN!

Linda

Gene! Bob!

Bob

D’oh.

Linda

[annoyed] This is your son.

Louise

Sorry, Gene, no backsies.

Gene

You can't put the candy back in mom's wrapper.

Linda

I dreamed that I was breastfeeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.

Gene

[suddenly perks up] That could be our next Christmas card.

Bob

Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?

Louise

Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.

Linda

Awwww. My little grandoody.

Linda

You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.

Bob

Yeah.

Linda

You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Tina

Detention is no big deal, Mom. Don't have a crap attack.

Linda

What did you just say?!

Tina

A crap attack? Don't... have one?

Linda

Don't you tell me not to have a crap attack! I'll have a crap attack anytime I want! Now go to your room!

Tina

This is such a snoregasm. [leaves]

Linda

Huh! What the hell was that about?

Louise

What is it?

Bob

A "crap attack"?

Yeah.

Bob

I don't know. [to Linda] Do you?

Linda

Don't look at me!

Louise

Well, you're the one that wanted to have one.

Bob

You're the one that sent her into her room for saying it.

Linda

I don't know what these kids are saying!

Bob

... "Don't have a crap attack!" [chuckles]

HAAAAAAA!!!

Linda

Nice, Bob. Nice.

Linda

I can't believe Tina got detention! She's changing, Bobby. Tina's turning into a teen!

Louise

You've lost her, Mom. Time to focus on your good daughter - Gene!

Gene

I'm pretty!

Bob

You know, maybe you're overreacting, Lin. I mean, you did have a crap attack.

Louise

HAAAAAA!!!

I don't know how Mudflap is doing this without an epidural. If I hadn't had one with Logan...

Linda

Tell me about it! [Pointing at Tina and Louise] Those two: piece of cake. [Pointing at Gene] That one: the whole cake. ----

Linda

There's my little candy corns! Ooh! Sad Wolverine! Scary, and sad.

Louise

I'm Edward Scissorhands, Mom.

Bob

Uh, I'm not sure about you walking around with scissors all night, Louise.

Linda

[holding up spoons] Why don't you be Edward Spoonhands?

Louise

[uses her scissors to grab them and toss them away] Get real. It's Halloween, not Hallowuss.

Linda

And Tina's a mummy! Sexy!

Tina

[wrapped in toilet paper, holding a baby doll] Last year I was a mummy. This year, I'm a mommy mummy. And I'm single, and I'm working two jobs, and I'm just trying to get back out there.

Bob

Tina, you have to put your costume back on the roll tomorrow. I'm not losing that much TP.

Tina

Okay.

Linda

Oh, and Gene looks great, too! Wait, what are you, hon?

Gene

I'm rapper/actress Queen Latifah from her "U.N.I.T.Y." phase.

Linda

Oh god, so specific and political, I love it!

Louise

Mom, it's over. You "Momed" it all up.

Bob

Uh-oh.

Linda

What's that supposed to mean? Dad's here! Did he "Dad" it all up?

Louise

Yeah, but that's a good thing!

Linda

Fine! I don't wanna play your dumb little game anyway.

Louise

Well that's 'cause you suck at it!

Gene

Uh-oh.

Tina

Ouch.

Bob

Oh, God.

Linda

Don't you talk to me that way, Miss Smart-Mouth! You just bought yourself a ticket to your room!

Louise

(storming off) Oh, fine! Best money I ever spent! You can't ruin anything in there!

Linda

You know, you're gonna need your mother some day! Who's gonna shave your legs, huh?

Louise

No one! I'm gonna grow them out all long and scraggly! [leaves, then comes back] I want to look like a torso on two tumbleweeds! [leaves, then comes back again] And I'm gonna learn about sex from television, SO I DON'T NEED THAT FROM YOU EITHER!

Linda

(singing) Two people, together forever

Teddy

Tough song. She's talkin' about us, Mort.

Linda

Oh, my God, I'm sorry. Goin' on about love when you guys don't-

Mort

Have any love? In the slightest?