King Richard III quotes from Blackadder

[bangs his goblet on the table three times] Silence! Silence! For the king!

King Richard III

[stands, hunched, speaks awkwardly] Now is the summer of our sweet content, made o'ercast winter by these Tudor clowns. And I that am not shaped for black-faced war... [the assembled nobles cheer] ...I that am rudely cast and want true majesty... [the assembled nobles boo the implied insult given by the king's enemies as he fixes his hunched standing position by yanking on his cloak, which had been stuck] ...am forced to fight to set sweet England free. I pray to Heaven we fare well, and all who fight us go to hell!

[stands up as he raise his goblet] Hooray! Hooray! Absolutely! Hooray!

King Richard III

Who is that?

I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry, who is that?

Harry

He's your other son, my lord.

It is my other son, my lord.

King Richard III

Fights he with us on the morrow?

[to Harry] What's his name?

Harry

Edmund.

[to Edmund] EDNA? Fight you with us on the morrow?

Um, oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy. [realizing what he has just said, he shrinks down into his chair]

King Richard III

You're, uh, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?

No, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.

King Richard III

Oh, arrow fodder.

Precisely.

King Richard III

[under his breath] What a little turd.

Ah, Percy, you see how the King picks me out for special greeting?

Lord Percy Percy

No, my lord.

Baldrick

I saw it, my lord.

And what is your name, little fellow?

Baldrick

My name is Baldrick, my lord.

Then I shall call you... Baldrick.

Baldrick

And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.

I like the cut of your jib, young fellow, me lad. How would you like to be my squire in the battle tomorrow?

Percy

[condescending] It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Baldrick

With you at the helm, my lord, we cannot lose.

Percy

[condescending] Well, we could if we wanted to.

Ah, but we won't, Percy. And I shall prove to all that I am a man!

Percy

But you are a man.

But how shall it be proved, Percy?

Percy

Well, when they look up that tree in Rutland.

[hits Percy on the head] It shall be proved by mine enemies rushing to the water closet in terror!

Baldrick

Hooray!

Percy

Hooray!

Come, a toast. Let all those who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow! Hooray! [the three men raise and then down their goblets] Already, I can hear the sound of battle ringing in my ears.

King Richard III

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more! Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree.

Let "Blood! Blood! BLOOD!!!" be your motto! Slit their gizzards!!!

Harry

Now, I'm afraid there's going to have to be a certain amount of... violence. But, at least we know it's all in a good cause, don't we?

King Richard III

And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liar's Day! [raised his sword high]

Your Majesty, you've lost your steed. Take mine!

King Richard III

No, no, no. [proudly] I've won the battle! I've saved the kingdom! I think I can find myself a horse.

How true, My Noble Lord. I'll see you back at the castle!

King Richard III

So be it! [as Richard, Duke of York leaves on his horse, he walks along] A horse! [whistling a call] A horse! My kingdom for a horse! [he stops by a tree, and sees Edmund's horse] Ah, horsie!

[to himself] Who is this? [drawing his sword] Wait, that's my horse! [swings his sword, and chops off the King's head. He laughs] There, that'll teach you! [picks up the helmeted head] You won't be doing that again, now will you? [lifts the helmet’s face shield] Oh, my god. It's Uncle Richard. [screams in horror]

Baldrick

[runs up to Edmund, after parking his mule by the tree] What's that, my lord? [a frightened Edmund tosses the head to him, he catches it with a chuckle. As he lifts the face shield, his smile dissolves] Oh, dear. Richard III. (to Edmund) What are you going to do?!

[rapidly] Well, quick, quick... [he turns the body over, takes the head back and tries to replace it, asking Baldrick to hold it steady. He moves the corpse's arms about, and beats on its chest. Baldrick for a moment puts his face down, trying to resuscitate the body through the face shield]

Baldrick

[points to something off-screen] My lord! That hut there!