[We cut to Edmund's room where Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain; Edmund and Baldrick rush in]
Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! [locks the door]
But, my lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.
Well, you may be right. [pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal spikes coming out] That should hold her for at least a minute!
Wait a moment, my lord! I think I have a plan which could get you out of this mess.
Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it.
Oh, yes. Yes, maybe you're right.
But tell me what it is anyway!
Ah, no, actually, I don't think I will, my lord.
Please, Percy, tell me what your plan is! Please tell me!
[enjoying seeing Edmund grovel, and chuckles to himself] Alright! I go to the Infanta's room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig. Then, this is the cunning part, instead of saying 'oink, oink', you say 'Moo!'
Then?
Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave!
[gestures in Percy's direction, and when Percy looks behind him, he slaps Percy on the cheek] You're right, you shouldn't have bothered.
My lord...
What?
I also have a plan. Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
I do, Baldrick! I do!
No, no, my lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...
[horrified] You don't mean...like the Earl of Doncaster...?
I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was 17.
Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?
Well, no-one wou- [understanding] Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster!...except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?
Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape something effeminate round your shoulders.
Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Blackadder quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Blackadder pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.