NNarrator
[first lines] History has known many great liars: Copernicus. Goebbels. St Ralph the Liar [he is shown holding a sign which reads "St Benedict the Liar"]. But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King, Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards; in particular: Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field, and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: The History of The Black Adder!
[Opening theme]
[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
NNarrator
In 1486, the second year of Richard IV’s historic reign and also the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency, King Richard departed England on a Crusade against the Turks.
As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!" [laughs]
NNarrator
He left behind him his beloved son Prince Harry to rule as Regent in his stead.
NNarrator
...And his slimy son Edmund to do the tasks most befitting him.
[to Edmund] Edward... [he rode off with his men]
My lord, with the king gone...
Hmm? Of course! At last, a chance for some real power! [laughs in his ridiculous-sounding evil way]
[Opening theme]
NNarrator
England, November, 1487. The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage, and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
[The Duke of Winchester is on his deathbed, and both King Richard IV and Godfrey, the Archbishop of Canterbury, are by his side with ready-made wills]
DWDuke of Winchester
Dying, my lords? Am I dying?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Never.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery- [the Duke moans in pain] Let us imagine you yourself were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands?
DWDuke of Winchester
Yes. To my beloved king.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son.
DWDuke of Winchester
Hell?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Yes, Hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind night and day. Hell, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks.
DWDuke of Winchester
No! Spare me the little forks!
[confused] What is this nonsense?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Hell, where the softest parts of your nether regions are everybody else's favorite lunch.
DWDuke of Winchester
Oh, Christ! [to King Richard] Forgive me, Sire. I must change my will and leave my land to the Church.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Blessed be thy stainless soul.
[to Duke] Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it.
[With a final, weak moan, the Duke dies]
AGArchbishop Godfrey
[smugly] I think not.
[King Richard IV, enraged, looks around and sees one of his men standing in the room, wearing a helmet with a spike coming out the top]
[Opening theme]
[Canterbury...Edmund's investiture; presiding is Herbert, the temporary Archbishop of Canterbury]
HHerbert
Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
[looks around; the King mouths "Yes!" to him] Um, yes.
HHerbert
I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England. [places the hat on Edmund's head]
[Edmund sneezes as a result of the incense, and blows his nose into his robe. He walks down the aisle, swinging the incense holder far too hard, knocking over the people standing along the aisle, until finally it slips from his hand and flies across the church]
NNarrator
His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until, at last, one day...
NNarrator
By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake, and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.
[Inside the corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire, Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing, and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up to him]
Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
[hiding the portrait behind his back] Er, doing what?
I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.
[a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne] Oh dear! Any idea what?
Not sure. I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...
Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...
Blackadder · 193 quotes
