[Edmund goes outside, and finds a woman riding a horse, sidesaddle. He bows to her, then grabs her feet and pushes her off the mount. He then follows McAngus, who is out for a hunt. Edmund sneaks up behind, but gets caught in one of McAngus' animal snare traps]
Dougal McAngus: [without looking] Can I help you?
Um, no, no. I'm fine, thank you.
[Long pause]
I'm not in your way over here, am I?
Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um...I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.
DMDougal McAngus
[finally stands up and turns to Edmund] Uh-huh?
Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
DMDougal McAngus
How? By stayin' away, do you mean?
[Edmund chuckles a bit, but then starts to scream as McAngus raises an axe. McAngus chops Edmund's bindings; Edmund falls to the forest floor, and remains lying there, trying to look casual]
Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to [standing up] ...to take his place.
DMDougal McAngus
Well, I warn you; [swipes down at the ground, killing a badger] I'm no actor.
Well, there shouldn't be much acting required. [McAngus tosses the badger's corpse aside] Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called "The Death of the Scotsman".
DMDougal McAngus
I'll have a crack at it. [throws a knife at a creature, which screams]
You...You could play the Scotsman, if you like, who...who dies at the end of the play.
DMDougal McAngus
Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do. [walks off]
Yes, well, as I say: there...there may not be much acting required. [grins evilly to himself, then walks off]
DMDougal McAngus
[off-screen] Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.
[Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs triumphantly]
Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written?
DMDougal McAngus
Er, 1460.
The year my brother was born... [laughs] Baldrick, get in here! [Baldrick enters] Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
"Why"? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!
No, why have they been cancelled, My Lord?
Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make. [laughs]
Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
Oh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out!
[As Baldrick left, McAngus reaches between Baldrick's legs from behind]
DMDougal McAngus
You know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.
DMDougal McAngus
Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
DMDougal McAngus
Aye. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and your father with a small knife for peelin' fruit.
[Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles]
[We dissolve to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored]
We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'.
Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
[We cut to outside at the top of the castle, and Edmund shows McAngus the view from an archer's battlement, then turns away]
...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon]
[We cut back to the King and Harry]
[to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
[We cut back to the roof]
DMDougal McAngus
[with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon]
[Back inside]
[to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've become firm friends.
[Then a very loud sound is heard from outside]
Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!
Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! [rushs out, followed by the King]
[Edmund jumps for joy as the end credits start]
Blackadder · 193 quotes
