Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

This first part of the song sounds like the music they play at the Olive Garden.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. But then it kicks ass later.

Butt-head

Yeah. The Olive Garden kicks ass too.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. I like to go there and stuff my face with breadsticks, 'cause they're free.

Butt-head

If you leave that place hungry, you're just stupid.

Beavis

Now this is the cool part of the song.

Butt-head

Yeah. Remember when you asked that waitress at the Olive Garden to dance, and then she slapped you and the manager threw you out.

Beavis

Oh yeah. That was cool.

Butt-head

She probably would have danced with me because I have better moves.

Beavis

No you don't. Check this out. [Beavis pretends to penetrate the top of the couch and sings the beat]

Butt-head

Uh... your moves suck, Beavis. Check this out. [Beavis flails his arms while Butt-head jumps from one side to the other]

Beavis

No soy Americano...

Beavis

Um...is this Robert Plant?

Butt-head

Plantman? What's that?

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, that's that thing I always play on the drums. I can play that. [imitates randomly hitting a drum kit] Dadadadah dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!

Butt-head

That's probably the only thing this guy can play. He like, brings his friends over and goes "Hey check this out. Dudududuh dudududuh dudududuh duh!"

Butt-head

He's probably like, one of those rich kids. Like, his parents bought him a guitar, and he couldn't play that either.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Well, maybe if I get a really cool suit, then that'll help."

Beavis

Heyy, Butt-head. Heyy, I just thought of something. Who do you think would win in a fight between Plantman and Spoonman?

Butt-head

Uhh...I think Spoonman would win, cause he's, like, a bum. And he could, like, beat his head with spoons.

Beavis

Heyy, I just thought of something else.

Butt-head

How come you keep doing that, Beavis?

Beavis

Doing what?

Butt-head

That thing where you go "Heyy,"

Beavis

I dunno. It kinda feels good. Heyy, how's it goin'? Heyy.

Butt-head

Uhh, heyy. This does feel pretty good.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Heyy.

Butt-head

Heyy.

Beavis

This feels good. Heyy!

Butt-head

Heyy.

Beavis

Heyy!

Butt-head

Heyy.

Butt-head

Whoa! That dude has lettuce on his head.

Beavis

His head is lettuce. Lettuce spray, ssspray. [blows a long loud raspberry]

Butt-head

Cut it out, Beavis! What are you doing?

Beavis

I'm spraying. [blows another raspberry]

Butt-head

That's pretty cool. When did you start doing that?

Beavis

Just now.

Butt-head

This is still on? That pisses me off!

Beavis

That sucks! It's bad enough, like, when stuff sucks. But when it's really long, that sucks.

When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, "Oh, where'd you make pizza?" Bitch, I made it in Florence! That's where I made pizza!

Beavis

So she's gonna call her grandkids, bitch?

Butt-Head

You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww.

Beavis

Yeah, please don't hit us again. Yeah, are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?

Butt-Head

Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?

Beavis

Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!

GO!!!

Beavis

Yeah, GO! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!

Butt-Head

You're wasting all our time!

Beavis

What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

Megan

Dunno how you're gonna help me take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.

Butt-Head

This chick is a horrible actor.

Beavis

Yeah, really.

[playing X-Box] I got nothing better to do.

Megan

That's what you said like two weeks ago.

Butt-Head

Uhh, wait a minute. I think this is real!

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah! So she's not a bad actor then! Just a bad person!

Megan

I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.

Butt-Head

[shot of Nathan looking out a window] See? He's looking for a job!

Beavis

Gotta be one out there somewhere...

Beavis

You can get a loan for big boobs?!

Butt-Head

Uh...wow!

Beavis

I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!

[after her breast augmentation] Looking good.

Butt-Head

Did her dad just say "Looking good"?

Beavis

Nice boobs, honey!

Butt-head

Angus Young is cool!

Beavis

Yeah. Malcolm is cool, too.

Butt-head

Did Phil Rudd die?

Beavis

No, peckerwood! That was that Bon Scott.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. He was cool!