Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Uhh, you know what they say about short dudes, they got like, really big, uh...you know.

Beavis

Yeah, but you know, I tried telling a chick that once, and she said "I don't care how big your turds are."

Butt-head

[laughs] You dumbass.

Beavis

No, I'm serious, Butt-head. You know, I was going "I got really long turds. You wanna see 'em?"

Butt-head

Beavis, you were telling a chick you have long turds?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! And it didn't work. I said, you know, "They call me Mr. Poop a lot."

Butt-head

Beavis, you're making me sick, shut up! I was talking about wieners!

Beavis

But um...oh. Oh, I see!

Call 911 now! [man gets thrown back telikinetically]

Butt-Head

Whoa! That's cool!

Beavis

Yeah, that child molester, just messed with the wrong preschooler! Yeah!

Butt-Head

Uh, what makes you think he's a child molester?

Beavis

Oh, he's a child molester, believe me. Every child molester, I've ever met, looks just like that.

Butt-Head

...

Call 911 now!

Butt-Head

Uhh, that's really cool and everything, but howcome he doesn't just call 911 himself?

Beavis

Yeah, who's he telling, to call 911? Then what's he gonna tell 911 anyway?

Butt-Head

Yeah, he'd be like, "Uh, I told my niece we couldn't go see Smurfs again, and then she started warping space and time.

Butt-head

How did this ever happen? This is like...just a bunch of bungholes.

Beavis

Yeah, because...[sees Shannen Doherty] WHOA! That's that Brenda bitch from Beverly Hills [Becomes hyperactive and says several numbers, until Butt-head slaps him]...210.

Butt-head

Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say Beverly Hills and forget about the numbers, okay?

Beavis

Oh. Okay.

Butt-head

So, like...why the hell is she hanging out with these wussies?

Beavis

Yeah, I thought that like, if you're a bitch...that you'd be like into something like more hardcore.

Butt-head

Uh...I think sometimes, if you're a bitch, you listen to crap like this.

Beavis

Yeah, like, maybe she doesn't even like it, but she just like, plays this stuff just to piss people off...because she's a bitch!

Butt-head

Yeah. Bitches are cool.

Beavis

Bitches rule!

Where the hell is this?

Beavis

Yeah yeah, why are they playing way the hell out in the middle of no where?

Beavis

What are those guys on the horses?

They're like the Desert cops. They're kicking Slayer out of the desert.

Beavis

Yeah they were playing too loud.

Not loud enough, dude.

Beavis

Yeah. MOUW MOUW MOUW ROOOOOOOOUUUUUW!

Hey Beavis, look its those things. Those big triangulids.

Beavis

What? I dunno.

Remember like, in that movie, that Moses dude built them?

Beavis

Oh yeah. He built them like a long time ago, like like ancient.

Yeah. It was like, in the 50's.

Beavis

Yeah, and then he went and wrote the Ten Condoments.

Oh yeah. Thou shalt not suck.

Beavis

Haven't we seen this video before?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know. It's hard to tell.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen a video like this before, where like, the music was all fast and loud, and the guys were like, you know, banging their heads like this.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I remember that one. It was cool.

Butt-head

This music is like, nice and peaceful music.

Beavis

Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

Butt-head

Whoa, check it out! He's like, some kind of scientific dude.

Beavis

Oh yeah, that's cool. If I was a scientific, I'd like, do an experiment, you know, where it's like, I'd get a chick in and say "OK chick, um, I'm gonna have to ask you to get naked, and then, I'm um, gonna experiment with your boobs."

Butt-head

Yeah. That would rule!

Beavis

See, look! I think this dude's like, trying to catch this chick, and then, like, do experiments on her.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. That's like that movie we saw, where that dude had that chick in his basement, and he was gonna like, cut her skin off and stuff.

Beavis

See, that was a good movie. It's like, some of those movies, where it's like, "No way!"

Butt-head

Yeah. Like, remember that movie, The Right Stuff?

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

That was stupid. That's never gonna happen.

Beavis

Yeah, really. That was dumb. Or like that movie, Alive?

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, that was a good idea, but that would never happen.

Beavis

Yeah, like a plane would really crash like that.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, that guy's about to score! Stop the truck!

Butt-head

Yeah, pull over, buttmunch!

Today is the greatest day I've ever known...

Butt-head

He thinks it's the greatest day because he, like, stole an ice-cream truck.

Beavis

That's cool. If I stole one of those, I'd like go out to the desert and then I'd just like start eating all the Rocket Pops, and the Chocolate Chippety Crunches, and...and the Dreamsicles, and the Nutty-Buddies...

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

Beavis

And the Froggies.

Butt-head

These guys are called the Smashing Pumpkins.

Beavis

Oh yeah? I don't see 'em smashing anything.

Butt-head

Yeah. And I don't see any pumpkins.

Beavis

Like, this part of the song, right here, this is pretty cool. This is where they should, like, smash stuff. See? See, right there. Right there, they could be smashing stuff, see? Instead of like, you know, doing that other stuff.