Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Is this Boy George?!

Butt-head

Yeah. He's all fat now.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I heard he's like, trying to be manly now, and he's not gonna dress up like a chick anymore.

Butt-head

He's a turd.

Butt-head

You know, he's bisexual.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Um, I know what that means, but just as a test, why don't you tell me what that means?

Butt-head

Beavis, you dumbass, you don't know? It means he has two schlongs!

Beavis

So, like, um...if you had two wieners, how many nads would you have?

Butt-head

Uh...I'd guess you'd have, you know, like three or something.

Beavis

And then, whoa, I just thought of something else! So like, if you have two wieners, you know, if you go to take a leak, you just decide which one you're gonna take a leak out of...or you take a leak out of both of them...you know, sometimes you have a boner! Would you have both of them at the same time?

Butt-head

You should do stand-up comedy, Beavis.

Beavis

Oh really? Thanks, I think so too.

Beavis

Well, I guess I'll go take a leak.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! I get to take a leak when the video sucks.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I got up first!

Butt-head

Yeah, but I have to take a dump. That's more important.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I was gonna take a dump too, I was just like, you know, embarrassed.

Butt-head

Well, you snooze, you lose. [leaves the room]

Beavis

Uhh, this sucks. Hey Butt-head...[turns around and sees Butt-head has left] Oh. Um...guess I'll go take a leak. [gets up]

Butt-head

[calling from bathroom] Beavis, stay on the damn couch! [Beavis sits down]

Beavis

[hums] Dun da da dun...da na nun dun...[calls out] Hey Butt-head, are you almost done in there?

Butt-head

Uhh, just a few more minutes.

Beavis

Guess I'll go take a leak. [leaves the room. The sound of a door opening can be heard]

Butt-head

UH!

Beavis

AAHH!!

Butt-head

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BEAVIS?!

Beavis

DAMMIT, BUTT-HEAD!!

Butt-head

NEVER COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE I'M TAKING A DUMP!!

Beavis

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE NOT TAKING A DUMP!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Butt-head

I JUST HAVEN'T STARTED YET, GET OUTTA HERE, BEAVIS!!

Beavis

YOU'RE JUST HANGING OUT IN HERE!!

Butt-head

DAMMIT, BEAVIS!! GO BACK AND WATCH THE DAMN VIDEO, AND LIKE, SAY STUFF!!

Hey baby, yo baby, hey baby, yo baby...

Butt-head

This chick doesn't sing very good.

Beavis

Yeah. She should like, um, just talk or something.

[Begins talking] So I'm walking down the street, minding my own business...

Beavis

Okay. That's better.

Butt-head

Is she like, telling a joke?

Beavis

Oh yeah, I think it is. Why don't you shut up so we can hear it?

Butt-head

Beavis...

I get all tense and nervous...

Beavis

Uh huh.

...but I keep walking...

Beavis

Ah! Uh huh.

...but the guy, he's dogging my every move.

Beavis

Yeah, that'd piss me off too.

Hey Miss, he says, don't miss this! [A man grabs his crotch; Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Butt-head

Now that's a good joke.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, that chick was talking about all this stuff, and then that guy grabs his wiener! I'm gonna have to tell that one to my Uncle Mike.

Butt-head

Yeah, he'd get it.

Beavis

Whoa, that chick is all over him! Check it out.

Butt-head

Yeah, it's like, he was minding his own business, trying to grab his wiener...

Beavis

I heard that.

Butt-head

...and then she just came up and got in his face!

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, he was just trying to grab his wiener, you know!

Butt-head

Uh huh.

Beavis

And she just jumped on him! That never happens to me! I grab my wiener all the time. I'm gonna grab my wiener right now.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, do that outside.

Butt-head

Oh my God.

Beavis

Oh, dear Lord!

Butt-head

This sucks.

Beavis

AAAH! Good God Almighty!

Butt-head

This sucks more than anything I've ever seen

Beavis

Yeah, this sucks, like...like lots and lots.

Butt-head

Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh...one?

Beavis

Two...

Butt-head

Uh...four?

Beavis

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...thirteen?

Butt-head

Uh...seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.

Beavis

Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.

Butt-head

Oh yeah! Um...eleventeen...

Butt-head

Uh...what comes after eleventeen again?

Beavis

Um...thirteen. [Resumes counting] Uh...fifteen...

Beavis

[Sees two men fighting] Hit him! Hit him! Pull his hair!

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

Maybe we should like...take some points off because that was pretty cool.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! Just because something's cool doesn't mean something else doesn't suck.

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

[yelling] I SAID JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING'S COOL DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING ELSE DOESN'T SUCK!!!

Beavis

Um...what?

Butt-head

NEVER MIND, BUTTMUNCH!!!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?

Butt-head

Uhh...I dunno.

Butt-head

Uhh, alright!

Beavis

What?

Butt-head

Uhh, alright! This is kinda cool.

Beavis

Really? Yeah, I guess so.

Butt-head

Yeah, you know, it's kinda groovy. Kinda has a nice little thing, you know? Kinda makes me feel good.

Beavis

Yeah, I guess so. I see what you're saying. It's kinda...[hums the melody] Yeah, this is really cool.

Butt-head

Uhh, Beavis, I was just kidding. [laughs] Dumbass.

Beavis

I know. Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

You really like this crap.

Beavis

No I don't, Butt-head, I was just kidding!

Butt-head

What a wuss!

Beavis

Butt-head...stop it! I hate everything about it! I hate this. I hate it! Shut up!

Beavis

You know what'd be cool, is if it just started pouring rain right now.

Butt-head

Yeah. Or maybe there'd be, like, a sudden hailstorm

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Or a turd storm!

Butt-head

There's no such thing as a turd storm, Beavis.

Beavis

This is a video, Butt-head! They could have anything they want! And I wanna see a turd storm!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis. And I thought I told you to quit talking about turds all the time.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, change it, come on, this sucks.

Butt-head

Uh, let's just cool out for a minute, Beavis.

Beavis

Ummmmmmmmmm.......

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, this video sucks.

Butt-head

Uh, it sucks now, but like, there's something cool later.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah, just cool out.

Beavis

Come on Butt-head, this sucks, what happens?

Butt-head

Uh, it's like it sucks and sucks, and then it's like, it's over. It's really cool.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. I can hardly wait 'til it's over! This is gonna be cool!

Butt-head

[slaps Beavis] Wake up, butthole, you're gonna miss the cool part!

Beavis

Oh! Oh, thanks! So like, um, is it over yet?

Butt-head

Uh, here it comes! Yes! Yes!

Beavis

Yeah!

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

Yeah! It's over! Yeah, that was cool!

Butt-head

Uhhhhhh. I'm tired.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, you know who these guys are?

Butt-head

No, and I don't care, either.

Beavis

This is Faith No More.

Butt-head

[sarcastic] Yeah, right. Faith No More.

Beavis

No, I'm serious. See, they have a new sound, and a new look.

Butt-head

They just look and sound like everything else.

Beavis

I don't know, it kinda rocks.