Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

I wanna lay down. Move over!

Beavis

No way! I'm gonna sit right here and watch this.

Butt-head

Come on, Beavis, get up!

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I always sit here.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna give you ten seconds to get up.

Beavis

I've been sitting here for years, and you've been sitting there, and it's like, why change now?

Butt-head

Come on, Beavis! Besides, it's like, you always sit too close to me.

Beavis

No way! If I move over any more, then there's a spring that goes up my bunghole.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, my uncle was over here, and he left a six-foot poop in the toilet, and he didn't flush.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

You should check it out.

Beavis

Is it still there?

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Let me go have a look. [exits. Butt-head lies down on the couch.]

Beavis

[referring to a man dressed in women's clothing] That chick's pretty hot.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Ooooaaah.

Butt-head

They must have just did it and now she's like, fixing herself up.

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh. After I do it I like to y'know like, comb my hair and then like, y'know, then like, flush the toilet and stuff.

Butt-head

Uh huh huh! You monkeyspank.

I'm easy like Sunday morning...

Butt-head

What's so great about Sunday morning?

Beavis

Yeah. Sunday morning sucks.

Butt-head

Yeah. Afternoon is no picnic either.

Beavis

You know what really sucks is evening.

Butt-head

Yeah. In fact, the whole day sucks.

Beavis

Yeah. Every single day sucks.

Beavis

Well, I guess I'm gonna read a magazine. [picks up a magazine]

Butt-head

Uhh...you don't know how to read, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah I do, I can sorta read. And um, besides, there's like lots of pictures of cleavage in the back. Do you mind if I just read this magazine for a while?

Butt-head

I don't give a rat's ass what you do, Beavis.

Beavis

Ah boy. Yep. This magazine's pretty cool. Whoa, check it out. Wow. Whoa! Something else.

Butt-head

Uhh, I'm not gonna ask you what you're looking at, Beavis. So quit trying.

Beavis

Heh. I'll be damned. Whoa, check it out. This is that dude from Love Boat. Look. He looks all old. It's like, he has a dog. And I think that's his son. That's great. What is this we're watching, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uhh, nothing. Do you have any other magazines?

Beavis

Ah, no. Just this one.

Butt-head

Can I read it when you're done?

Beavis

No. No you can't. This is mine. It's for me. It's for me to read.

Butt-head

Beavis...

Beavis

Whoa, this guy was working construction, and he had like, this big pole like, shoved through his butt, it came out the other end, and it's like, he's still alive. And he has a gigantic bunghole now.

Butt-head

Where'd you get that, Beavis?

Beavis

I got it in the dentist's office. They're like, just there. They're free, you can just take them.

Butt-head

Boy, I'm bored. Where is that dentist's office, Beavis?

Beavis

You know where it is, it's over by Maxi-Mart.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I'm gonna go get a magazine.

Beavis

Oh no. Just look at this crap. It's, like, another one of those videos where you don't even remember it right after you saw it.

Butt-head

You can't remember any videos right after you saw 'em, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah I can. That's how I know this is one of those videos.

Butt-head

I'm getting tired of seeing all these videos where it's all out of focus and it's all blurry and blobby and a bunch of art crap.

Beavis

Yeah, really.

Butt-head

Art sucks.

Beavis

Yeah, it's all like...you know there's all this stuff, and there's like, all these colours...

Butt-head

Yeah. It's all, uhh...[the pair fall asleep]

Butt-head

Uhh!

Beavis

Ahh! What was that? Damn it, now it's rocking.

Butt-head

Damn it. Now all of a sudden, this video has to go and be cool right when I'm trying to get some damn sleep.

Beavis

Yeah, really. If they're gonna rock and kick ass, at least it should happen while we're awake.

Butt-head

It still has all this blurry crap.

Beavis

Well, um, at least the music is in focus.

Butt-head

Uhh...oh yeah.

Butt-head

I think this is a buzz clip.

Beavis

You know, um, I always thought, y'know, like, a buzz clip, like, was where, um...y'know, like, they had something in the um...um...you know, where they, uh...[the pair resume sleeping]

Beavis

[yells] HEY MAN NICE SHOT!!!

Butt-head

[disorientated] Uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!

She'll make you breakfast/She'll make you toast...

Beavis

He knows a chick who makes toast? So what?

Butt-head

Yeah. I can make toast.

Butt-head

Uh-oh. I think this is college music.

Beavis

Yeah. You can tell because that dude has orange hair. You can also tell it's college music because it's like...they're in a field.

Butt-head

Yeah. Fields suck!

Butt-head

How come he keeps singing about these people that he knows? Who gives a rat's ass?

Beavis

Yeah. [sings off-key] I KNOW A GUY!!! HIS HAIR IS ORANGE!!! HE SUCKS!!

Beavis

We oughta try, like, picking up a chick in the laundromat.

Butt-head

Uhh, why?

Beavis

Because, like, you could look at their underwear and say, "So, I bet that underwear was on your butt." You know what I mean?

Butt-head

That's pretty cool. Or you could go up to one, and say "So I see you wear underwear. I wear underwear too. Wanna do it?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that's even better! And then you can say "Since you're already doing a load...", heh, load..."Since you're doing a load, why don't you do my underwear too?" And then you can, like, pull down your pants, and then you already have your pants off. So you're already halfway there.

Butt-head

And then your underwear would be in there with her's.

Beavis

I'm ready for love.

Beavis

Hey, check it out, that looks like that Jungle Ride.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. That's so stupid. You get in there and then there's that guy with that safari hat on and stuff.

Beavis

When I used to go on that thing, I used to just like, jump off the boat and wade around in the water, and go off into the bushes and sit there by myself. And then I'd stand up and pull down my pants and go "Poopapoo!"