Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Uhh, hey, we're back.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, check it out, there's a marching band out here.

Butt-head

Really? They suck.

Beavis

Yeah, but, you know, it could be kinda cool to be in a marching band. You know, those guys just poop right on the street.

Butt-head

What are you talking about, Beavis?

Beavis

No, no, I'm serious. I'm serious, one time, when I was a kid I saw this parade, and after the marching band went by, there were these big huge turds everywhere. And it was like, there was grass sticking out of them and stuff. It was cool.

Butt-head

Beavis, you dumbass, those turds didn't come from the band, they came from the horses.

Beavis

But, um...oh! That would explain the grass. But, um, that's really too bad, you know, cause I was thinking it would be cool to join the school band, and you know, you'd just be marching along, playing your instrument, you know, and be like, [sings] "Dun-da-da-dun-da-da-da-da-da-plop!"

Butt-head

Beavis...

Beavis

Yeah, and then, whenever I'd be taking a poop at school, somebody would be like "What are you doing in there?", and I'd be like, "I'm trying out for the band!", plop.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, if this wasn't Thanksgiving, I'd be slapping the crap out of you, now shut up. [to camera] Hey Loder, this music sucks, why don't you make yourself useful and play a video?

Beavis

Um, heh, is this football?

Butt-head

Uhhh, no I think this is that, uh, shampoo commercial.

Beavis

No it's not! Y'know what this is? This is Telemundo! [gibbers in Spanish]

Butt-head

How come you always watch Telemundo, Beavis?

Beavis

Um, because they have all these fine chicks, with big boobs, and like, really tight dresses.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. It seems like they always have some big, fat host on Telemundo, who's like, all dorky looking. And then like, all the chicks are really good looking.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that guy's cool!

Butt-head

Yeah, he always walks up to the chicks with his microphone and goes: "Aprenda, [Spanish gibberish]."

Beavis

Oh yeah. I bet he scores constantly!

Beavis

Y'know what I think I'm gonna do? I'm gonna shave my chest like these dudes, and walk around with one of these vests, and like learn to dance like that. And then, I will score all the time!

Butt-head

Instead of doing that, why don't you just, like, talk all that Spanish stuff? That would probably work.

Beavis

Heh, oh yeah. "Hey baby, [Spanish gibberish]."

Butt-head

I'm gonna try becoming one of those big, fat dudes, and go: "[Spanish gibberish]".

Beavis

This music kind of sucks.

Butt-head

This isn't even music really. This is just like that kind of crap that guy plays down at the organ store at the mall, on one of those $10,000 organs.

Beavis

Yeah, heh: "How much for your organ, sir?"

Butt-head

"Uh, that'll be $10,000 son. Please don't touch it."

Beavis

[Referring to man walking with stereo] Well look at this guy. Got his whole day ahead of him, you know?

Butt-head

Strolling down the beach with the speakers the wrong way...

Beavis

Not a care in the world, you know?

Beavis

Whoa!

Butt-head

Uh... oh no. Well, at least he died before they started singing.

Beavis

There was a schlong just then, but I'm not gonna say anything about it.

Butt-head

It's like, these guys both look like asswipes, but in two completely different ways.

Beavis

You know, they compliment each other, you know?

Butt-head

Let's see, what else can they do to be an asswipe?

Beavis

See, maybe they'll steal some jump ropes from little girls. Steal some money from a homeless guy.

Butt-head

Uh, boy. It's like, if their music by itself didn't make you hate them, they're giving you plenty of other reasons.

Beavis

I bet deaf people hate them too.

Butt-head

I'm glad these guys found each other.

Beavis

I wonder how they met.

Butt-head

They were probably like, pushing over some kid's sand castle, and they were like "Whoa! You have tight jeans and Converse All-Stars just like me! Do you like shoving little kids? I do too! Let's start a band."

Butt-head

That's how we roll through the Century 21 Branch Office.

Beavis

Biatch! Yeah, take that! Their walls aren't clean now!

Beavis

Whoa, check it out! It's Paula Abdula!

Butt-head

Yeah. This is like, every outfit she's ever had in a video.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Beavis

I'm gonna go to the kitchen.

Butt-head

Why?

Beavis

'Cause I have to take a leak.

Butt-head

Uh... you mean the bathroom, Beavis.

Beavis

Um... oh yeah, didn't really matter. [Beavis gets up and leaves]

Butt-head

You should stick around, Beavis, because later on, you could see her... epidermis.

Beavis

Um... OK, maybe I'll stick around for a couple of minutes.

Beavis

Um... I thought you said we were gonna see her epnaspermis.

Butt-head

Uh... no. But your epidermis is showing.

Beavis

Um... what? No way! Are you talking about my nutsack?

Butt-head

You don't know what it is! And everyone can see it.

Beavis

Shut up! Your epraspermis is showing! And your nads are too, bunghole!

Beavis

I've had enough of this crap. I'm gonna go to the kitchen. [leaves again]

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, get back in here! I just saw something cool! Whoa, Beavis, get back in her! Her pants are hiked up her butt!

Beavis

Where? Where?!

Butt-head

Dumbass!

Beavis

That drummer is old.

Shut up, fart knocker, he's cool!

Beavis

Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap!

Sing it Beavis!

Hey Beavis, you ever done a dirty deed?

Beavis

Yeah. I spanked my monkey one time.