Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Those are some dudes holding their rods.

Butt-head

Yeah! That's pretty cool.

Butt-head

She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.

Beavis

Why would you need a dress?? You some kind of transformer?

Butt-head

No, Beavis! Not a dress. An address!

Beavis

Um...yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh huh.

Butt-head

You're stupid, Beavis!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Uh, now what?

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah, this isn't much better. What the hell is this?

Butt-head

That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.

Beavis

Yeah. I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?

Butt-head

Uhh...I don't know.

Butt-head

I don't feel like watching this either right now.

Beavis

Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ever.

Butt-head

Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?

Beavis

Yeah. Let's never watch this again. [changes channel]

Old Beavis

Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like, brought you back with that... infibulator?

Old Butt-head

Oh yeah. That thing hurt.

Old Beavis

They said you were dead for a while, too.

Old Butt-head

Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said "I love you, Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back." And then I woke up.

Old Beavis

And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?

Old Butt-head

No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.

Old Beavis

In a just world, they would have killed you.

Old Butt-head

Yeah. It's not fair.

Beavis

Who is this?

Butt-head

Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this Manute Bol?

Beavis

Yeah. That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's too bad he can't sing.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Maybe this isn't Manute Bol.

Butt-head

Yeah. Manute Bol sings better than this.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

This man has lipstick on!

Beavis

Yeah. This is scary. Can I sleep at your house tonight?

Butt-head

Uhh, I don't know. I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.

Beavis

Ah, never mind.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!

Butt-head

No way! Check out this wuss.

Beavis

Vanilla Ice sucks.

Butt-head

Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?

Beavis

Yeah. Change it. Change it, Butt-head! Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS! CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

How it must feel... to be a bird...

Old Beavis

Ugh... is this guy Irish?

Old Butt-head

Oh he's Irish alright. I-rish he would shut up and stop singing.

Old Beavis

I think that was a, a dad joke, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

Uh, how would you know, Beavis? You don't have a dad.

Old Beavis

Oh yeah, that's true.

Old Butt-head

A dad joke for you would be like, "Beavis, I'm glad you're my son. I wanna spend more time with you. And everyone knows if I'm alive or dead."

Old Beavis

Oh boy... is this song ever gonna like, speed up, or something?

Old Butt-head

Uh, no. I think it's getting slower.

Old Beavis

I think I know what he's doing, see? It's really slow now, but it's just gonna kick in any second, you know? Yeah yeah, here it comes. Dew-deh-deh-dew deh-DEW-DEH-DEW BAH-BAM-BAH-BAM BWOLGH! Drop the bass! BWAAAAAH! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop- HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A BIRD?! BWAAAAH! [the song is still slow] Oh? No? Guess I was wrong.

Old Butt-head

Uh, I think now there's less bass. He didn't drop anything.

Old Butt-head

This guy looks like one of those guys where like his dad wanted him to learn to box and become a fighter, but he wanted to sit around and write poems. His dad was right.

Old Beavis

Yeah, really. He was like, [Irish accent] "No dad, I don't want to learn to fight. My words are my fists!"

Old Butt-head

And then his dad was like, "Well, my fists are my fists!" And then he's punched him in the face.

Old Beavis

You know, this is like, the most bad that it could possibly be. You know?

Old Butt-head

Yeah. He like, showed the video to his friends, and they were like, "Uh, Dermot? This kind of sucks." And then he was like, "Kind of? Well just watch me! I'm gonna make it suck harder than anything has ever sucked before. More birds! More shots of the water! And no drums! If I hear the sound of one drum, I'm gonna punch you with my words!"

Old Beavis

What's going on with this girl? She looks kinda weird.

Old Butt-head

Uh, that's not a girl, it's Kid LAROI.

Old Beavis

No, I mean the other girl. The blonde one? Something's... Something's going on.

Old Butt-head

Uhhh... I think like, this is L.A. and they say like, people in L.A. are all plastic. They get their faces shot full of brobloxin. It works though, because I bet she's like 50.

Old Beavis

Whoa! I bet she's like not real.

Old Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah! She's like a love doll.

Old Beavis

Whoa, really? What do you mean?

Old Butt-head

Yeah, she's just like a life-sized doll that you can do whatever you want to her.

Old Beavis

Whoa! Whoaaa! Whoooooaaaaa... So you can do whatever you want???

Old Butt-head

Yup.

Old Beavis

Well wait, this is against the law, right?

Old Butt-head

No, I don't think so.

Old Beavis

Whoa! And how much does one of those things cost?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh... I don't know. I think they're expensive.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yup. That's what I thought.