Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Whoa, check out that chick!

Beavis

Yeah! She like, came out of the trunk!

Butt-head

She must be like, the spare.

Beavis

Yeah. That would be cool if like, I always had a spare chick in my trunk.

Butt-head

Uh, you don't have a trunk, buttmunch. You ride a bike.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I'm gonna get a trunk and I'm gonna like, put a spare chick in it.

Butt-head

Right, Beavis.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, you see that arrow? Did you know that that symbolizes the wiener?

Beavis

Um... what wiener? Where?

Butt-head

It stands for wieners everywhere.

Beavis

Um... yeah. Good.

But people are still having sex, and nothing seems to stop them.

Butt-head

Uh... people are still having sex?

Beavis

Yeah, what people? Where?! I want names!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis!

Beavis

Well, he said people are still having sex, and it's like, I'm not having sex!

Butt-head

So? If you kept your mouth shut, maybe he'd tell you!

Beavis

Well, okay.

Do you understand me?

Beavis

Yeah, I understand you, but where?!

Lust keeps on lurking...

Beavis

Dammit, come on! Who? Where?

Butt-head

Beavis, just listen this time! Shut up!

This AIDS thing's not working...

Beavis

Um...

People are still having sex!

Beavis

Yeah, okay...

People are still having sex!

Beavis

Dammit, there he goes again!

Butt-head

Beavis, shut up!

Butt-head

Whoa! That thing's getting it on with a doughnut!

Beavis

Yeah! uh...a doughnut sounds pretty good right now. I think I'm gonna go get a doughnut. You want anything? [Gets up and leaves]

Butt-head

Yea, bring me back a couple!

Butt-head

Uh...get ready for a surprise! You think it's a girl, [camera scrolls up to dancer's face] but it's a guy!

Beavis

Oh yeah! You think it's gonna be a girl, but it's a guy, see! So it's like, confusing...it's like strange, you know.

Butt-head

[laughs] Yeah.

Beavis

AAH! What's her problem?!

Butt-head

This is stupid.

Beavis

Um...this kind of sounds like that um...[sings]"From a Distance".

Butt-head

Oh yeah.

Beavis

Who did that song?

Butt-head

Uh...that's Butt Midler.

Beavis

That looks like that...that mouse chick...that Minnie, Minnie Mouse, you know?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. It's like, have you ever heard that joke? Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?

Beavis

Um...uh...I don't know.

Butt-head

Check it out, this is funny. Because she was doing Goofy! [laughs]

Beavis

Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!

Butt-head

Uh...who's there?

Beavis

Eura.

Butt-head

Eura who?

Beavis

You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

Beavis

I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

Butt-head

Okay, I have one. Knock knock!

Beavis

Who's there?

Butt-head

Uh...eura.

Beavis

Eura who?

Butt-head

You're ain...urine.

Beavis

I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [the camera pans down to her legs] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.

Butt-head

Thank you, may I have another?

Butt-head

Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?

Beavis

Let's see, um, Family Ties, Full House, My Two Dads, Growing Pains, One Day At a Time...

Butt-head

Uh, no.

Beavis

Melrose Place, Northern Exposure, What's Happening!!, Good Times, Jeffersons...

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, that chick that used to be young and had big hooters.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

And she was like, married to that dude and living with her parents, and now she does those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids.

Beavis

Oh yeah! And she was also in that commercial for the career institute, where she's going like, [high-pitched voice] "You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!"

Butt-head

Yeah. [both laugh]

Beavis

I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. That'd be a good job.

Beavis

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Beavis

[jabbers nonsensically] What? What did you say?

Butt-head

What? I didn't say anything!

Beavis

Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [jabbers nonsensically], didn't you say something?

Butt-head

Uh, no.

Beavis

Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [imitates Butt-head] "Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool", or something like that.

Butt-head

Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.

Beavis

Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

Beavis

Whoa, I think this is my grampa!

Butt-head

No this is that dude that was in that movie...he married his cousin, and then they did it.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I think that movie was called "Great Balls of FFFFIRE!!"

Butt-head

Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?

Beavis

Whoa, really? Y'know my grampa told me once, that like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my, grandma.....is my....cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah and she's also a great slut.

Beavis

Oh yeah and um, and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.