Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Hey this is that dude who lost his penis!

Beavis

Yeah! He did that song about how he had a "touchable penis"!

Butt-head

This must be what happens when you lose your penis!

Beavis

Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!

Butt-head

You're pretty stupid, Beavis!

Beavis

Holy crap!

Butt-head

Whoa! What the hell is this crap?

Beavis

Oh my God!

Butt-head

Is this, like, a joke?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

I think it's safe to say that this sucks.

Butt-head

I thought people usually look cool in leather jackets?

Beavis

Yeah! What's wrong? How come these people all look like wussies?

Butt-head

Sometimes, it just doesn't work, Beavis.

Beavis

Maybe these are, like, vinyl jackets.

Butt-head

No, they're leather. You can't polish a turd, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah! I tried that once, I got, like, some dog doo-doo, and like, some, uh, black shoe polish, and then I, like, tried to polish it, but it's like, it's like, you can't polish a turd!

Butt-head

That's disgusting, Beavis! I bet it was pretty cool to try, though.

Beavis

That cop should hit him.

Butt-head

Yeah!

COOL! KIDS!

Butt-head

"Krokus"?

Beavis

No, he's saying "cool kids".

Butt-head

These are supposed to be cool kids?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

I'd hate to see the un-cool kids! This sucks!

Kill everything, kill everything...

Beavis

Yeah, okay! Kill everything. KILL EVERYTHING! Except me.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis. Don't you care about anybody but yourself?

Beavis

Um...uh...no. I don't care about anybody or anything, except me.

Butt-head

What about when I'm kicking your ass? Do you care about me then?

Beavis

Um...no, I just care about my ass. [In Cornholio accent] It is each man for himself! I will fight and die for myself!

Butt-head

Well, I guess that's a good thing because like, nobody likes you. And like, you can like, care about yourself, while I'm off scoring with chicks.

Butt-head

Whoa!

Beavis

HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER!

Butt-head

Settle down, dumbass.

Beavis

Whoa, Butt-head, that chick doesn't have a head!

Butt-head

Uh...oh yeah. That's like that joke, what does the perfect woman look like?

Beavis

Um, yeah, what?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know, she's probably, you know, pretty hot. I think it's like, she has big thingys or something?

Beavis

Oh yeah, that's pretty funny. She has big thingys. It's pretty funny.

Beavis

Cool, a cartoon.

Butt-head

Those aren't cartoons, dumbass. That's just clay.

Beavis

So? Clay can be cartoons.

Butt-head

No it can't. Cartoons are, like, drawings, or something. Clay is, like, a thing.

Beavis

So? Drawings are things.

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna out...be...be smarter than me. So don't even try. Just shut up.

Beavis

I think I know what this is. I think this is, um, Davey and Goliath.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. That's that show that's on Sunday mornings when there's nothing on but church.

Beavis

You know one thing about that show, you know that Goliath is, um, he's supposed to be a dog, but I've never seen him lick his nads. Have you ever noticed that?

Butt-head

I saw him do it once real fast. He was probably like [imitating Goliath] "Uhh, Davey, you should try this."

Beavis

Yeah, and then Davey said "Maybe I should pet you first." And you know, also, you know, I've never seen him poop either.

Butt-head

I thought I saw him poop once, but I think it was just, like, a piece of clay that fell off his butt.

Beavis

Whoa! This looks like it might rock.

Butt-head

Yeah, maybe.

Beavis

Yeah. I mean, I dunno, maybe it's alright. I guess it sounds kinda cool.

Butt-head

You know what might make it different is like, you know, if you were really dizzy when you were watching this.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, if you were all like dizzy in the head and you were watching this!

Butt-head

Yeah. Want me to strike you?

Beavis

No, I know how to make myself dizzy, check it out. I learned this one time, check this out. [Beavis puts his thumb in his mouth and blows very hard, eventually hyperventilating. He then goes into a trance.] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove.

Butt-head

Uh, Beavis?

Beavis

However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality.

Butt-head

What's your problem?

Beavis

One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock.

Butt-head

You're talking like a dork, Beavis!

Beavis

One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter.

Butt-head

Beavis!

Beavis

In closing, I think Korn would do well to learn more from...[Butt-head hits him several times]...AAAAAHHH!!! OW!!! Whoa, what happened?

Butt-head

You got all dizzy and then you started talking like a dumbass.

Beavis

Whoa, really? Wow.

Butt-head

But then you did say spinxter.

Butt-head

Yes!

Beavis

Yeah! Yeah, bee-yotch!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! [Slaps Beavis]

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, check it out. That chick on the drums, that's that chick that's at games holding up that sign.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. It's like it says John on it, then it has his phone number.

Beavis

Oh yeah. We should call him up and say "Hey man, know where any parties are at?"

Butt-head

Yeah, and then hang up on him. That would be cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. That'd teach him a lesson.

Beavis

Ooh, baby.

Butt-head

Ooh. [Beavis and Butt-head dance] Lenny rules.

Beavis

Yeah, Lemmy does rule. Um, what does Motörhead have to do with what's going on here?

Butt-head

No, butthole, I didn't say Lemmy, I said Lemmy.

Beavis

I think you said Lemmy, Butt-head.

Butt-head

You monkeyspank. [Smacks Beavis again]