Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.

Butt-head

Uh...it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?

Beavis

Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh...WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!

Butt-head

You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.

Beavis

No way Butt-head, it was a boob.

Butt-head

Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?

Beavis

Um, a second is better than nothing.

Butt-head

No it isn't. It sucks.

Beavis

Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?

Butt-head

'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and nobody likes you.

Beavis

Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.

Butt-head

[half laughing] You don't have any friends.

Beavis

I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.

Butt-head

Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.

Beavis

No way Butt-head, you wish.

Beavis

Aah, she's got blood in her eyes! Ew, this is freaky, Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.

Butt-head

Beavis, you're a wuss.

Beavis

Damnit, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like....feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!

Beavis

Is it Sting?

Butt-head

No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!

So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!

Butt-head

This dude stutters!

Beavis

Yeah, that's cool!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!

Butt-head

Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?

Butt-head

Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

Beavis

What is that?

Butt-head

It's a hoe.

Beavis

Yeah, I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Why is that funny?

Butt-head

Because, Beavis, you thought when I said a hoe, that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.

Beavis

Okay, but why is that funny?

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis! Because, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.

Beavis

I'll be damned. I didn't know that.

Butt-head

You know, it's like, choking your chicken could be, like, if you had a pet chicken, and you were choking it. [as in literally asphyxiating a chicken] Or it could mean, like, you're choking your chicken. [as in masturbation]

Beavis

[laughing] Oh yeah. That's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. I get that one. Okay, I got one - masturbating! [laughs]

Butt-head

Uhh, that doesn't work, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah it does! I do it all the time!

Butt-head

This chick has small nostrils.

Beavis

I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head. You look like a cow.

Butt-head

Well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.

Beavis

Oh yeah. It means you have lots of loogie.

Butt-head

Okay, Beavis. You'll be thinking about loogies and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.

Butt-head

Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

Butt-head

I think this chick just like, woke up or something.

Beavis

She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something.

Butt-head

She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.

Beavis

She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.

Butt-head

Yeah. Musicians rule.

Butt-head

Check it out! Her guitar's broken.

Beavis

Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.

Butt-head

Uh...yeah!

Beavis

They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

Beavis

Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!

Butt-head

Yeah! I hate those things.

Beavis

Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

Butt-head

Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, and then they just leave.

Beavis

That drummer looks like a regular guy.

Butt-head

Yeah. If you saw him on the street, you wouldn't even know he was cool.

Beavis

What's happening to this dude's face?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.

Beavis

Really? That's dumb.

Butt-head

It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.

Beavis

When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [Beavis' face is in his neutral expression]

Butt-head

Yeah. I usually use this expression. [Butt-head grimaces] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.

Beavis

I usually use this one when I'm lying. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.

Butt-head

This one usually works for me. [Butt-head grimaces]

Beavis

I usually use this one. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral]

Butt-head

That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

Butt-head

[The screen says Violet] Uh...violence?

Beavis

Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.