Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

You know, I thought like, that the ecomony sucks, and it's like, nobody has a job, and um, these guys are just spraying around expensive champagne everywhere.

Butt-head

Uh. I heard they have like a really rich dad, and then that one, tall dude is the other dude's uncle, and like, their grandpa is like the same guy, so they don't care.

Beavis

Whoa, really?

Butt-head

Yeah. It's too bad we weren't born as them.

Beavis

You know, why is that? How come we were born as us?

Butt-head

Uhhhhhhh... I don't know.

Butt-head

Is this PBS?

Beavis

Umm...uhh...I don't know.

Butt-head

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Look at her thingies!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I like when they push together really close.

Butt-head

Yeah. That's pretty cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Beavis

Um...

Butt-head

Uh, this sounds different.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was slower before.

Butt-head

Yeah. And she was walking slower before, too, and she had bigger hooters.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Madonna's always, like, masturbating during her videos.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. So am I! You know, during her videos? Yeah.

Butt-head

Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna. When you spank your monkey, you're just doing it with Beavis!

Beavis

Um, that's little Beavis. Boy, if I was Madonna, I would, like, fondle my boobs constantly.

That ain't tequila talkin'...

Butt-head

It's not the tequila talking, but pretty soon, it's gonna be the police talking.

Butt-head

That guy's touching his wiener.

Beavis

Yeah. Heh heh. I'm gonna touch my wiener.

Butt-head

If you're, like, famous, you can touch your wiener and nobody cares. [scratching his wiener, chuckling]

Old Beavis

How come they keep showing this car?

Old Butt-head

Well Beavis, that's because it's the Fiat 500X, the best mid-sized sedan on the market today.

Old Beavis

Really?

Old Butt-head

That's right, Beavis.

Old Beavis

I guess that looks pretty cool you know, but it seems like a car like that, like a 4-door you know wouldn't have like a lot of, like, pickup, you know, at the lights, you know?

Old Butt-head

That's where you're wrong, Beavis. Stupid and wrong. The Fiat's 1.3 liter multi-air turbo engine comes standard, and is equipped with fuel-saving engine stop-start technology offering 177 horsepower to dominate the road ahead.

Old Beavis

Wow, really? That sounds amazing! But uh, I don't know, Butt-head, it is a little hard to believe, you know?

Old Butt-head

Well, the Fiat 500X will make a believer out of you, dumbass. And you know what's even more shocking, Beavis? You won't have sticker shock.

Old Beavis

Uh, I don't know what that is, so I probably won't have it anyway.

Old Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, sticker shock means, like, it's super expensive, and the Fiat 500X is very affordable.

Old Beavis

It's probably, like, made in some foreign country, like over in Europe or something.

Old Butt-head

Most of the parts are made right here in the good old USA, providing jobs to people like you and me.

Old Beavis

What? Like you and me? We don't even have jobs!

Old Butt-head

No, we don't, and we never will, but if we did, we'd be working on the Fiat 500X, which Car and Driver recently called "the ultimate thrill ride." Could you see yourself driving this car, Beavis?

Old Beavis

But what does this car have to offer someone like me who had his license suspended?

Old Butt-head

Uhhhh... it offers you nothing. Fiat doesn't want you. The Fiat is for winners only. Do you see yourself with a bus pass while I bang your mom in the backseat of the Fiat 500X with its roomy interior? Again, just like your mom.

Old Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

Uhhhh, hey Beavis, look outside and check and see if there's a free Fiat out there.

Old Beavis

Why would Fiat give you a free car?

Old Butt-head

Just go look. See if you see a Fiat 500X. [Beavis leaves to go look]

Old Beavis

I don't see anything, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

Uhhh, are you sure?

Old Beavis

Yup. No cars out here at all.

Old Butt-head

Dammit. Never mind. Fiats suck. It's a tiny crap wagon.

Old Beavis

You'd never fit in one anyway, Butt-head, 'cause you're too fat.

Old Butt-head

Yeah.

Butt-head

Is this that show about that deaf lawyer?

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. I'd like to make a motion.

Beavis

Yeah! Me too! [moons the TV screen]

Beavis

Yes!

Butt-head

WHOA! "Cop Rock" reruns!

Beavis

Yeah! "Cop Rock" reruns! This is cool!

Butt-head

This is the one where they sing in court.

Beavis

No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.

Butt-head

That's the same show, dumbass. There only was one show!

Beavis

Yeah, but it was cool!

Butt-head

No sax in court!

Beavis

Yeah!

Butt-head

The prostitution rests!

Beavis

Yeah! Change it! Change it, quick!

Beavis

Um...uh, hey, this guy looks familiar. Um...whoa, that's that guy! Remember when we saw those naked movies at your uncle's house? That's the guy that was in 'em, right there!

Butt-head

Uhh...how do you know, Beavis?

Beavis

I recognize him, that's him! That's the guy that was in those naked movies, remember? It's like, he had his schlong and he was, like, you know, like, doing that, um...you know, something...

Butt-head

You were looking at that guy's face when there was all that porn action going on?

Beavis

Well, you were probably looking at his wiener. Dumbass.

Butt-head

No, I wasn't. I was looking, like, around his wiener.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Beavis

So like, I guess he's, like, in a band or something?

Butt-head

No. This band probably just, like, keeps him around 'cause he can get chicks.

Beavis

Oh yeah. How come that guy gets to be in naked movies? He's just, like, a big, fat, ugly slob.

Butt-head

Yeah! Well...you're almost there, Beavis, all you need to do is just, like, get fat.

Beavis

Really? Um, how do I get big and fat?

Butt-head

Uhh...I don't know.

Butt-head

I'm getting sick and tired of dudes who sing like this.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, it's like, almost every damn video you see has, like, some guy singing like this.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, he's trying to be alternative.

Beavis

Um...yeah, yeah. Yeah, y - y - yeah, something like that, yeah.

Butt-head

And it sucks!